So...the last time I went to see to see my therapist... he told me some interesting things based on his observations of me...

Apparently... I am 'guilty of the sin of PRIDE'...this made me think of a song I had been listening to...that I had also written down: 

"This is how I show my LOVE...I made it in my mind because...This is how an angel dies...Blame it on my own sick pride...Maybe I should cry for help...Maybe I should kill myself...Maybe I'm a different breed...Maybe I'm not listening...

I am EGOTISTICAL...

I am a MASOCHIST...

He had asked me in our previous session to think about what my Goals for Counseling were...I had two weeks to think about this...and while I did come up with an answer or three...I didn't write them down...On the morning of this session I heard something on the radio that stuck with me...I wrote it down...and when we got around to it I read it to him:  

I want to learn to DIE...so that I can start to LIVE...

I was trying to explain to him how my mind had been racing...and I was having intrusive thoughts...but I had to tell him that I might be crazy but I am NOT STUPID!...He agreed as he has and my previous therapist has said before...that I am not stupid...He himself has said that I am very insightful and know myself very well...I also know exactly what I want to share and what I don't want to share...and that is true...I do not want to be stigmatized or labeled with a mental illness...or thought of as stupid!

He also said that I play a game when I go to see him...It's like I empty a box of puzzle pieces for him to assemble, but I always keep three pieces in the box so he can never completely complete the puzzle...or it's like a Chess game (I had never mentioned that I happen to love chess)...

He told me that he just acts as a mirror for me and challenges me by throwing what I say to him back at me...then asked if my previous therapist (His boss) challenged me like he does (she didn't, but I was very comfortable with her...and I am comfortable with him...for different reasons)...Anyway...after all this I finally just asked him if I was really sick?...

He said I have depression and something else...but he isn't sure what that something else is...So I asked what he would think if I told him that I think I know what that something else is...He said he was pretty sure that I did know...because I have a [unhealthy?] need to know everything...that's why I hate questions (which I do)...because I am egotistical ...and that is what keeps me coming back to therapy even though I don't want to get better (which I do but I don't) because all of their attention is on me...I am seeking attention...and get it by self-sabotaging myself and blaming everyone else for my pain...and then unleashing most, but not all of  my thoughts on them!...

Then he asked me a question (I hate questions) and we scheduled my next appointment for this coming Tuesday...the question, which really threw me was:   Who do you love the most in this world?

So...maybe I should cry for help...maybe I should kill myself...I don't know anymore...apparently I have lost my mind!