Hi chrissilee,

Without knowing what specifically your hubby is doing that is making you feel like you need to run away..........I will say that marriage can be hard at times. Even when the two people really love each other.......
Stress can be a big factor. Jobs, bills, and with a small baby.......
Well, that can feel like too much.
But sweetheart, unless your guy is being abusive to you or the baby.....And I mean ANY abuse..........Verbal, emotional or physical......... Maybe you should try to hang in there and see if things get better.
I've been married for almost 30 years.........................
And let me tell you, there were several times when the D word was used. But, we stayed because we really love each other.
A new baby causes a lot of upheaval in a relationship.
And of course being depressed certainly doesn't help..........
I hope as time goes by, things get better for you

((((HUGS))))

There's an old saying here... "it takes two to tango"...
To me, it does take two to make things into a mess. Alot of things in my relationship with my girls' dad starts with lack of communication. We have been together for almost 16 years and have been through soooo much struggle together. We've been through infidelity, threat of divorce, deception, addictions, the loss of a home, loads of financial issues and so much more. Along with that, on a little happier side, we've endured the birth of our 3 kids, several counseling sessions, a huge move, and some new jobs.
The counseling sessions weren't all "fun" but, at least we got to know what our differences are and what we needed to work on. Again, most of it boils down to communication.

If you'd like to talk / converse more about this, please feel free to send me a message.
I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers...
BT

Hey, chrissilee, I definitely have to agree with BurriedTreasure on this one. Have you tried couples' counseling? I see this as not just a generic suggestion but rather based on the following comments you made in the above post:

"Cause her dad is a great guy." => This tells me that perhaps you are still conscious of his positive traits and why you'd like to be with him; that you're still aware of the good and not just the bad. This is a good foundation to build on in therapy.

"It's just his habits." => If this really is true, though I'm inclined to believe it may be an understatement since you said it doesn't refer to putting away socks, then counseling could also be beneficial here. CBT is often involved, which means challenging the way we think as well as learning new skills/how to deal with situations in a more appropriate/healthier way. Maybe something like that could help to change his "habits."

"We are both proud people." => Something similar here...Of course I could very easily be wrong, but this makes me think that perhaps you're alluding to the fact that neither of you wants to listen, change, or accept a part of the blame. From this small tidbit of information, I'm inclined to believe this feeds in to the next part:

"Maybe it's just all my fault as he said." Like BT said, I find it verrryyy hard to believe that anything in a relationship consisting of two people could be solely one person's fault. Depression is difficult, marriage can be difficult, having a child can be difficult...but none of these things are necessarily JUST your fault. And honestly, that being the case, I'm not sure how two people can work out their differences if one side makes all the demands, refuses to budge, and refuses to change. Then you would simply have a codependent situation, where one person is desperately trying to meet the "needs" of the other while sacrificing their own well-being endlessly. A good counselor could help both of you try to express yourselves in ways the other can understand, can help you each individually identify the real root of the problem (and maybe get your guy to understand his part in it, too), and then what you can do about it - proud or not.

This is just my opinion, of course, and I may not know enough to get it all right :) But I really do hope that you can work it out, provided, as you said in your post, that you really want to. You deserve happiness, no matter what form it takes. *Hugs*

Elle

wow you guys have helped so much , and i do feel stacks better. Yes i agree on councelling. I just wish he would budge and go with me.I feel having a third party just listening to us to can point out some stuff . BUt im afraid off things that might come out like he smokes marijuana. Yes i know its just a herb as he says but im against it because it can cause sooo much damage to a family! Like i said hes a great guy but habits LIKE that puts mayor stress on me and its hard for him to hear.AND i just cant comprimise to that. Ribbon you are so right. I really love this guy and i know his good side and want to bring the best outta him,without making feel like im bossing him around OR im acting like his mom(which i hear constantly). Yes, marriage or relaitionships have its bumps. We have had fight where we get verbal and poush around.....Im just not that kinda person. I hate living this unhappy way. His friends are so comfortable at our house they are there EVERYDAY and EVERY NIGHT. We have seldom alone time and when we are alone we dont even know what to say at each other......So councellors are a definite try for me.I just dont want any councellor to act or judge his Habits(as i mentioned above) but concentrate on us. Cause hopefully that will make things easier or make him realise that it is wrong what his doing or something.

Do you get councellors like that? I might sound soo paranoid and it probably because you see these stuff happens everyday. I wont let him come near our baby with that stuff so he respects that atleast....

You know alll these lil things build up and as soon as it feels you are stuck and nothing will change, you feel like youre in this black hole and nooo way out.Sooo hard to stay positive and NOT become his enemy and be on the defense mode against him.....

But thanx for all your replies :) Just adds sooo much hope that someone is listening and know where you are going through... Thanx everyone :)

Chrissilee, yeah, I think I know what you mean :( It's a careful balancing act sometimes.

I wish I could guarantee you would get an awesome counselor your first try, but there's no way to be sure. There are definitely counselors out there that match your description, and honestly, if they were a *good* counselor, they wouldn't "judge" anyway. Trust me when I say I understand your feelings on marijuana, as I am very opposed to it though my long-term boyfriend thinks it should be legalized (he used to smoke, but that was years ago). It has to be much more tense for you being that he is actively involved in something that bothers you - but that is what a counselor should approach it as, not a "judgment." A professional treating it like that would probably only put off your significant other, which it sounds like he already is a bit opposed to counseling.

I guess my suggestion, without knowing much about the situation at all, would be to ask him: Are you happy with the way things are right now? If he is actively placing all the blame on you, as you mentioned, that he probably isn't. So, the question is then: do you (he) want to work it out, or do you want to continue living like this? There are options, and it is possible to change the way things are. One of those options, you might point out, is counseling, which can only help, not hurt. It can be very frustrating, though, because it sounds like he really isn't interested in compromising on anything from what you've said. :-/