Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Long time reader of this forum, but honestly have just had enough, and don't really know what the point of life is. It isn't something anyone has the answer for, but I find myself slipping deeper and deeper lately. I've been struggling on and off most of my adult life with depression, due to a chronic illness that has left me disabled, and unable to work. I still can function on some days, but there are days, like last week, where I was confined to a bed for 2 days, with no way of getting to food or water, or the bathroom, to be honest. Think I wound up sleeping close to 40 hours until my body was capable of slowly walking to the bathroom.
I've been sick for almost 13 years now, and honestly, it is just a part of my everyday life. I've been trying to better myself, by seeing doctors, to no avail, and have even been going to the gym to exercise and restrengthen some, but I find it has more negative side effects with my disease then positive. I find myself at a loss what to do with this life of mine.
The block I always stumble over is purpose. For the last 3 years, my purpose has been to be with and take care of my mom. Sadly, in January, she passed away, and now it is just me and my dad. I wound up moving back home after my ex-wife left me, mainly due to me being sick, and her craziness. But that is another topic all in of itself.
Anyway, now it is just me and him. My dad drives very long distances, out to Texas most weeks and back, doing LDL freight for a trucking company. I see him, maybe 8 hours, once a week, if I'm lucky. While he is out on the road, I do my best, to keep the house clean, and do all the errands my mom did for him. I'll never be a replacement, but I am trying to keep it so he doesn't get overwhelmed. He is got a lot of health issues, and if he goes I really don't know what I would do with myself.
But I find myself sitting here, debating why I'm even alive. I'm in pain everyday, and generally just have a rough go at most things, that normal people find easy to do. In the dating department, I"m rejected outright due to being on disability and being sick, more or less no one is got time for that. Let me tell you how that boosts one's confidence.
My friends, the 3 I have, find it hard to cope with me on my not so good days. They are great if I'm having a good day, but when I decline, and I usually do, things tend to get weird. One friend in particular is blaming themselves for me being worse because I go with them to the gym. Tonight things blew up a little, and I felt really hurt that I was somehow impacting them with something I can't control. If I don't try, I just won't go. Because I know deep down it isn't the smartest idea for me to be doing all that exercise. Excursion causes more complications for me, and has for 13ish years now. But still I try.
But I wonder why. I'll never get better. Treatments at the moment are either completely invasive that the Dr doesn't feel like I need to go to that extreme yet, to does nothing or makes me violently ill. So I cope the best I can with it. Lately, not so great. More down days then good, it is hard to look forward to waking up. I have dreams of just not being here anymore, and what that would do to everyone, and is only 1 out of 2 reasons I don't act on the feelings.
I can't afford counseling, and the person I used to talk to, isn't here anymore. I find that I'm completely lost in this huge world, and for a week at a time, all alone, in this huge house, a shrine to my mom, someone I love so dearly, and still truly miss. How am I to cope with all this? I am finding my rope is running out, and before long, if I don't do something, I fear I may be drowning in my sorrow. And last time that happened, she was the only one to save my stupid self. She isn't here anymore, and I worry that it will consume me to where I just don't care. Because, anymore, there is no happiness in my life. There is only reminders, limitations, and misery that greet me every time I open my eyes.
I've been sick for almost 13 years now, and honestly, it is just a part of my everyday life. I've been trying to better myself, by seeing doctors, to no avail, and have even been going to the gym to exercise and restrengthen some, but I find it has more negative side effects with my disease then positive. I find myself at a loss what to do with this life of mine.
The block I always stumble over is purpose. For the last 3 years, my purpose has been to be with and take care of my mom. Sadly, in January, she passed away, and now it is just me and my dad. I wound up moving back home after my ex-wife left me, mainly due to me being sick, and her craziness. But that is another topic all in of itself.
Anyway, now it is just me and him. My dad drives very long distances, out to Texas most weeks and back, doing LDL freight for a trucking company. I see him, maybe 8 hours, once a week, if I'm lucky. While he is out on the road, I do my best, to keep the house clean, and do all the errands my mom did for him. I'll never be a replacement, but I am trying to keep it so he doesn't get overwhelmed. He is got a lot of health issues, and if he goes I really don't know what I would do with myself.
But I find myself sitting here, debating why I'm even alive. I'm in pain everyday, and generally just have a rough go at most things, that normal people find easy to do. In the dating department, I"m rejected outright due to being on disability and being sick, more or less no one is got time for that. Let me tell you how that boosts one's confidence.
My friends, the 3 I have, find it hard to cope with me on my not so good days. They are great if I'm having a good day, but when I decline, and I usually do, things tend to get weird. One friend in particular is blaming themselves for me being worse because I go with them to the gym. Tonight things blew up a little, and I felt really hurt that I was somehow impacting them with something I can't control. If I don't try, I just won't go. Because I know deep down it isn't the smartest idea for me to be doing all that exercise. Excursion causes more complications for me, and has for 13ish years now. But still I try.
But I wonder why. I'll never get better. Treatments at the moment are either completely invasive that the Dr doesn't feel like I need to go to that extreme yet, to does nothing or makes me violently ill. So I cope the best I can with it. Lately, not so great. More down days then good, it is hard to look forward to waking up. I have dreams of just not being here anymore, and what that would do to everyone, and is only 1 out of 2 reasons I don't act on the feelings.
I can't afford counseling, and the person I used to talk to, isn't here anymore. I find that I'm completely lost in this huge world, and for a week at a time, all alone, in this huge house, a shrine to my mom, someone I love so dearly, and still truly miss. How am I to cope with all this? I am finding my rope is running out, and before long, if I don't do something, I fear I may be drowning in my sorrow. And last time that happened, she was the only one to save my stupid self. She isn't here anymore, and I worry that it will consume me to where I just don't care. Because, anymore, there is no happiness in my life. There is only reminders, limitations, and misery that greet me every time I open my eyes.
It definitely is hard Livingwater. Knowing the potential you had, only to realize you can't even get to half of what you used to be able to do, is such a challenge, at least to me. I try hard not to beat myself up over it, but there are days or even weeks like this last month that has just been so hard.