I try to stay away from relationship problems but he sounds like an ass. I don't know if it is a 1 year thing but a life long thing with him.

I'm with ZAZAS - offering relationship advice can be a minefield. But I would like to say that I don't think I could have endured this process without the love and support of my wife. My third wife, it bears mentioning. Yep, that one's the the charm.

To me it sounds like he's just very immature and self-centered. However, giving him the benefit of the doubt, he may not realize that he's behaving like his world stops three inches in front of his nose. Have you considered couples counseling?

Sounds like you have communication issues. If you need others to report on his day to day activities that looks like a red flag. Can you just ask him about what is bothering you? I know I am lucky and have the ability to talk to my wife about anything we have great dicussions, the communication for us anyway is what it is all about.

Good Luck

Your marriage is a decision you have to make. I am really close to your age and married for the second time. The first marriage was to an abusive self centered lazy man. The second marriage has been wonderful. I will be married two years the first of November. My husband is not perfect but I could see being with him five, ten and even fifty years from now. I think that really is the key. If you can put up with his behavior for the rest of your life. The things that my husband does that bug me are things I can live with forever.

Also you being a therapist is interesting. Maybe he doesn't understand what you really do everyday. I work as a case manager for juvenile delinquents. My husband understands the stress of what I do. Maybe your husband needs to go to marriage therapy with you and think about what a therapist hears and sees all day.

Best of luck but remember that only you can decide what is a good marriage for you.

I likek the way aarpadilla explains things. She is right on. If you can put up with this for another ten years, it probably isn't' so bad. But you are already looking for answers, looking for help,and feeling uncomfortable with things. You need to confront him with your feelings...now I don't' mean to be confrontational, that;s different. Just let him know how you feel...well if you are a therapist, you know how to go about it, though it's harder to apply what you know therapeutically to yourself. Maybe talk to another counselor first. But he needs a good talking to. Maybe he can't handle the independence of a work at home job?

"..... he huffs and puffs around the house and works from home. I have reports from others who we live with that he plays computer games during work hours and sometimes I come home and he is playing games.

I jjust feel like I work SO hard and i'm not appreciated or looked after like a husband is supposed to look after his wife.
I worry because the feedback I get from family is not good, and I feel that I can't explain myself in ways to my husband that he can understand what I mean/where I'm coming from without him taking everything in an offensive way.

The last time he bought me something was because I told him I needed him to buy me flowers."

"what is a good marriage?"

I don't think this one is very good.

WanderingVet is right. I like the upfront honesty.

Don't know...never been in a relationship

Well it doesn't sound like it's good right now but I believe that relationships can become good but it all depends.

this is your first year? I am kind of surprised, because for me I always thought the first year is the fun year, romance and the excitement is still there...lots of love and fun, but that is just my opinion of what I think the first year ought to be like. But every relationship is different and circumstances can interefere with that, health, financial, living arrangements....etc..

Have you let your needs be known to your husband, in a way that he won't become defensive. You say that you come home from work and vent.....well what do you vent about? Do you do that everyday?

I suppose choosing the right words can have a different impact on the other person. But it does depend on the other person, some people are defensive and can never see beyond the end of their nose and take they everything personally. Perhaps that is your husband.

What is it that you want from your husband? Does he know how you feel, does he even care?
Are you giving him the things that he needs, respect, love, appreciation....? I am just looking at both sides...

It is something that ony you can figure out. I think sometimes people are oblvious to how their actions and their behavior is effecting another person.
your husband does sound a little immature, maybe he feels unfulfilled himself.....who knows...
have you asked him how he feels about where things are heading in your relationship? Is he happy? does he care if you are happy or not?
no point keeping it all swept under the carpet.

what about love?

If there is love at the foundation of your marriage then surely that can be worked upon.

and I think that you don't 'need' flowers, flowers are nice, and a surpise bunch can certainly make you feel appreciated, but really you need attention and affection from your husband, you want to be heard and to be loved. If you had those things you probably wouldn't care about flowers.
and just for the record, sometimes men don't think quite the same way as we do and things do need to be spelled out to them, they are not mind readers.

Perhaps initiate something special for you both. Get out to a neutral location, a park, a quiet restaurant and try and re-connect and find what it is that attracted you both to eachother in the first place.

Computers and tv, phones can be such a distraction in a relationship. they can really interfere with intimacy and communication with spouses. It is important to take time away from these things.

And perhaps living in a house with other people isn't too hot for your relationship either...

I don't know how you are on books, and you probably know of this one but it does have some good advice.

"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

i wish you every success in your marriage and things get worked out.
for the record I am no expert on marriage, but have been married nearly 20 yrs. And communication was something that we weren't too hot at, but we have gotten better over the years, it really is a two way street, a mutual of giving and taking. listening, hearing, responding in a loving way. No finger pointing and accusations, but expressions of how we feel and what we would like. and fun....there has to be fun...things have to be shaken up periodically.

I've been married twice. I don't know what a good marriage is but I can sure tell you what a bad marriage is all about...good luck...xx

wow,

thankyou everyone for your responses. I take them with appreciation and an open mind.

Things have not been getting any better, I do believe my husband is quite immature and insecure -and to some level arent we al- and I know the male/female predicamint and how important it is to spell things out (hence 'please buy me flower' which really meant please make me feel loved/appreciated as I am a real gifts person despite my husband calling me materialistic).

I feel I am not coping well :(

and he won't come to marriage counselling- I have tried more than twice, thrice, so on in asking..

Underlying, I believe in love and in God and community input. However I feel very easily lost and losing myself in the process when I allow this dynamic to get to me (which is becoming daily).
I don't think he knows how to handle me, I'm really not that difficult!!!! :(

Some updates however, we are moving into a rental next week, just the two of us.
This will mean I have no accountability into what my husband earns or does with his time which is hard - and I will be further away from my supportive family by easily an hour.

The bonus is that moving will give us a chance to 'make it or break it' and it will be a different take on living together.

Sure is hard to therapeutically analyse my own relationship/s, especially in so far as this is my first marriage and I just don't know what is realistic!

My big 40yr old sister thinks a divorce is the answer, but I didn't think I believed in that. I'm having real trouble in putting forward what I need because his demands or reactions seem to overwhelm me. He is a strong personality and I am quite aggreeable or more passive.

Anyway, for now prayers are welcome and I appreciate all of your support and kind eyes/ears.

- Spirit.

I feel the same way ...confused but I am still there so i must be there is something there