that ever happened to me turns out to have been the worst. I was completely in love with the guy I was dating this summer. We were perfectly happy, we were.. in one word... perfect. He was everything I have been looking for in a guy. I've never felt that way about anyone before. I was even beginning to think he might have been "the one."
I don't fall into the infatuation trap easily. I am a cynic when it comes to love. Before I met him, I was not even sure if I even believed in love. But then it happened... and before I knew it I was up to my neck in love with him. I had never been so happy, so content, so secure in my whole life.
And then it all changed....
Out of no where he started asking me stupid questions like if I liked my roommate, if I had cheated on him... there was even a morning where we had just finished having sex and I rolled over to kiss him like I always did after and he turned away from me. I asked what was wrong and he said that he heard me scream my roommates name. But I hadn't.....
We got over that little bump. But then more came. He broke up with me out of no where a week before I was scheduled to leave for 4 months, claiming that I hadn't been honest with him, and he'd given me so many chances to be honest but I wasn't. And claiming that he can "see right through me" and knows that I liked my roommate. He even suspected we had slept together. My roommate is also a close friend of his...
We talked it out the next day and got back together. He apologised for everything and said that he has just been going kind of crazy lately because he was scared because we got in so deep so fast. I can understand that. So we got back together.
Then... the night before I was leaving, we were all hanging out in the back yard with all the boys having a few beers and shit before going out to rock the town. I was sitting beside the roommmate he thought I liked and he was sittng across from me. The roommate he thought I liked went inside to get changed and my brother went inside too so it was just the two of us sitting out there. We had been perfectly fine earlier that night, up until this point. He out of no where gave me a cynical look and said "I can see right through you guys and I'm sick of it..." I was totally taken aback cuz I thought we had gotten through that shit. So all I said was "fine. I'm tired of having to convince you of who I am. You don't trust me, you don't want to be with me, then fucking break up with me and keep it that way already!" So.. he broke up with me.
Then the next day I wanted answers because I was totally confused and he told me that he thought he had done something really bad one night when he was really drunk that made me want to fuck with him and hurt him. He accused me of stringing him along just to hurt him in the end.. of being vengeful. It tore me apart because I would never do that. I am not a vengeful person at all. He also accused me of having cheated on him, with my roommate. He accused me of having lied to him over and over again while we were dating. Basically, he accused me of being everything I'm not. It killed me.
Then I got home... and since I have been home I've gotten messages from him every fucking day apologising for being like that and trying to explain why he went crazy and got paranoid and started seeing things and thinking things that were'nt there. He wasn't trying to get me back, but he can't stand the idea that I might think he is a bad guy so he keeps trying to explain things, even though all he's really been doing is making it more and more complicated.
Then... yesterday... he finally told me what it was that had put him over the deep end. He found something on his dick. About a month ago. And he was too scared to tell me when he found it. It was eating away at him not telling me, but he didn't know what to do. He says he has never felt like such a horrible person.
I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm going to the doctor on Monday to get checked. I'm paranoid as fuck because I always thought I would be the last person to get a fucking std. I don't sleep around, I get tested regularly, I don't sleep with people I don't know and care about... why me?!
I have never been this depressed in my life. And for once it's not this goddamn disease, it's life. I can't just push it all away by telling myself I am sick. It's real this time. And I don't know what to do. I am so scared and so depressed. I went from feeling the best I have ever felt in my life, to the worst. And it all keeps getting worse and worse. Every day more shit comes out and it's worse than before. Every time I start to think it couldn't get worse it does and I am fucking paranoid... how much worse is it going to get before it finally gets better? Will it ever get better?!
FUCK!!!