Mon.8/6 - well...six days into another month and I haven't done a single thing or accomplished any goal...wish I could be disciplined like all these Olympians winning the GOLD...but alas, I am not. Anyway, I didn't come here today to vent...I'm here for another reason....remember my personal equation (F^4)=D? ...well...today it's Frustration and Fear that I am struggling with.... I had a dream last night...an ugly dream...I dreamed that I found out my husband was cheating on me with a pretty petite little hispanic woman...it was so fucking real...Apparently, the speaker was on on his phone when he called her and when she answered she said Hey! How you doing, Sweetheart!"...of course he stumbled to grab his phone and turn off the speaker but it was too late I already heard...then...he didn't even try to deny it (like he usually does)...he finally just fessed up and then she came to pick him up and they left together...well HE left me and went to be with her...UGH!...I hate dreams...they are so realistic...I lost it...another failed relationship...my second...my greatest fear...FUCK...I didn't care about anything...and I just tried to drink away my feelings...LOOK...my relationship/marriage at this point sucks...but I still love the guy...despite all the hurt he has caused me as an addict...I still love him, I still want him, and I just want our relationship/marriage to be like it was in the beginning...I want to spend the rest of my life with this guy...but not like this. OH well...just wanted to get my thoughts down on this early...I think I'll write him a letter/email about my dream I don't know...for now I need to go...but I'll be back later to write about my FRUSTRATION.