There is nothing worse than living and knowing that things need to change in order for your (my) life to improve, but not being able to do anything about it. Not even the simplest of things. I've always been independent, able to hold my own. I've always been free and doing the best I can in life. I had no help. And, I never searched for it. I learned how to do things on my own, and never complained about having to do it all on my own.

Now, 11 years later, after some difficult times, I am stuck. And when I say "stuck" I mean literally stuck. I can't do anything. I'm not doing well at all right now. I am severely depressed, and I'm getting worse each day. I don't want to live anymore. Death, and the possibility of not feeling anything at all, sounds so relieving to me because I don't want to feel like this anymore. The feeling that, even with therapy, I can't get better. The feeling that even if I move, change environments, things may improve. If I eat better, that won't improve things for me. Sometimes these things help people, but it won't me. I've tried. I've said many times before that I don't have my own life. It belongs to others. It's the truth, but I know it's hard for people to understand what I mean. I can't even explain the whole truth because it just sounds crazy. So, basically, I just have to live my life this way, in this hell. I can't ever break free. I'll never be happy, I'll never know what it feels like to be a woman, I can't even relate to my peers because I'm so far gone. I don't have the chance to grow into a woman. I took some young ladies shopping the other day, at Bath and Body Works. One was 18 and the other was 13. They were having this huge sale on and I wanted to buy the girls something. I can remember when I used to love lotions, and perfumes, and body washes, and these girls love that stuff too. But, anyways, the sales rep came over when I was with the 13 year old, and she started talking about scents, and which bath gels work best and all that stuff. And, she was looking at me. I felt stupid because I had no idea what she was talking about. And, what made matters worse, is the 13 year old could relate to what she was saying! She ended up jut conversing with her. It didn't bother me much, but ti did make me think about how far down I've gone in life. Nothing about the real me is present today. Nothing about who I was is there anymore. I feel I can never feel good about myself, never feel pretty. I just hate myself so much. I'm just disgusting. And, I can't do anything to change or make myself feel better. I hate that because as long as I feel this way, I can't be of any good to anyone around me. I know that if my life was better and I felt better, was healthy, I know I could be like I was before. But, it will never happen. I hate my life is this way, and I hate that everyone else gets to control it, and not me. It's not right. It's the way it is though, and I'm basically just thinking I need to die. I cannot imagine living this way for another year. I am 38, and yes, I know I sound as if I'm 12, but at this point, there's nothing more I can do but say how I feel. And yes, I'm a 38 year old woman trapped in a child's mind. It is humiliating. It hurts because I was on my way to being a woman, being me, and now that shot will never come. I just want to die. I have never thought about death the way I do know. It just sounds so peaceful.

I don't expect anyone to help me out of this. I know that this is my struggle and I have to figure it out on my own. But, any advice would be great. I mean, how do you live when your life isn't your own? How do you live when you hate yourself so much? How do you live when you know that so many people hate you and that any relationships you do form, those that hate you make sure it doesn't happen? How do you live when you truly believe you deserve to die? And lastly, how do you live when no matter what you do to better yourself has no impact, and actually has a negative effect?