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I was reading about the cheese post and decided if some laughter is doing me good this morning, maybe it would help us all.
So here is mine-
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "You gotta drink named 'Fred'?"
So here is mine-
Grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "You gotta drink named 'Fred'?"
Polar Bear walks into a bar and says..
"Could I please..................................
...........................................................
.......................................have a beer?"
Barman says "Sure, why the big paws?"
This guy walks into a bar and sees a lady sitting by herself. He goes over and buys her and drink and they chat a while and he leaves with her to go to her place. They are in the middle of having a good time when he hears a noise at the door and she says "It's my husband home for lunch... quick, hide in the closet!" So he does.
He's standing in the closet when he hears this small voice... "Gee, it's dark in here". He looks around trying to find out where it came from when he hears it again... "Gee, it's dark in here..."
He quickly whispers "Shhhh, who are you?"
The little voice says "That's my mommy and daddy out there, gee, it's dark in here, I'm scared, I'm gonna scream."
The man whispers back "No, PLEASE don't scream. I'll give you five dollars if you don't scream."
The little boy answers "Gee, it's dark in here, I'm pretty scared, I'm gonna scream..."
"I'll give you ten dollars if you don't scream."
"Gee, it's dark in here, I'm REALLY scared, I'm gonna scream..."
The guy says "Look kid, here's FIFTY dollars, it's all I have, don't scream."
"Ok." the kid whispers quietly.
So the guy waits in the closet till he hears the husband finish lunch and as soon as he hears the door close he runs out of the closet and jumps out the window and runs down the street. Later that afternoon, the lady is out shopping with her son at the mall when he sees a bike in the toy store window and says to his mom "Gee, I'd REALLY like that bike."
"Sorry, I can't afford to buy you a bike."
The kid says, "That's ok, I can buy it myself, I have fifty dollars."
She pulls him aside and asks him "WHERE did you get fifty dollars?"
"I'll never tell."
"You BETTER tell me where you got that money."
"I'll never tell."
"You must have done something bad to get that money. I'm taking you to church and you can tell the priest how you got that money in confession." So she does.
The little boy is in the confessional and the door closes and he says "Gee, it's dark in here..."
And the priest answers "Now let's not start THAT shit again..."
A nose walks in to a bar and asks for a beer. The barman says "I can't serve you, you're off your face."
a three-legged dog walks into a bar and says,
"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my pa."
Cheesy I know
A blind guy walks into a bar and finds a stool. "Hey, want to hear a really great blond joke?" he asks when the bartender brings him his drink. The place goes quiet, then the guy sitting on his left leans over and says in a low voice: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting on your right is blonde, 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to his right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. We're all blonds. Think about it, pal. You really want to tell that joke?
The blind guy thinks for a minute, then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
A dirty, smelly tramp (homeless guy) walks into a bar and immediately the landlord tells him to leave. The tramp says "I'll leave straight away but could you please let me have a tooth-pick?" The landlord gives him a tooth-pick and the tramp leaves the bar.
Ten minutes later another equally dirty, smelly tramp comes into the bar - again, the landlord immediately tells him to leave. The tramp says "I only came in for a straw...could I please have one?" The landlord looks puzzled and says "Just a moment ago, one of your friends came in asking for a tooth-pick and now you come in wanting a straw - what's going on?" And the tramp replies "Someone's been sick on your step."
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sorry.
WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!
A dirty, smelly tramp (homeless guy) walks into a bar and immediately the landlord tells him to leave. The tramp says "I'll leave straight away but could you please let me have a tooth-pick?" The landlord gives him a tooth-pick and the tramp leaves the bar.
Ten minutes later another equally dirty, smelly tramp comes into the bar - again, the landlord immediately tells him to leave. The tramp says "I only came in for a straw...could I please have one?" The landlord looks puzzled and says "Just a moment ago, one of your friends came in asking for a tooth-pick and now you come in wanting a straw - what's going on?" And the tramp replies "Someone's been sick on your step."
====================================
sorry.
the barma says, "Why the long face?"
Was gonna use the ouch one as well, but beaten to it.