I say it sometime in jest, but not really. "I'm just waiting to die." I say it more and more often and today it really seems true. A look at my profile will show what I deal with every day: Addison's disease, diabetes, severe osteoporosis, depression, more. A sleep disorder keeps me up and awake for up to 80 hours at a stretch, then down for as much as 2 1/2 days. Today I woke up at 6AM after being asleep for two days. I sit at the computer watching movies end to end and somewhere online on a second screen. I smoke cigarette after cigarette. The phone doesn't ring. When it does it's typically from people I don't want to hear from. I have two friends in town, and I barely talk to them.

Every so often one of these friends is kind and generous enough to take me grocery shopping, to the pharmacy and doctor. I can't drive right now and won't be able to for several months (long story). This is basically the only time I leave my third floor apartment, overlooking a tree and a parking lot. Sometimes this friend will give me some marijuana. This is my only respite from everyday pain, both physical and emotional. I am very grateful for that, and for him. I'm very grateful for a lot of things I have. I know I could be a lot worse off. For being disabled, whose only source of income is the disability check I get once a month, which just doesn't cover everything, living alone, I get what I need to live. But just that. Live.

Life has lost its lustre for me. Every day is the same thing. My goal each day is to get through it, with as little pain as possible. If I laugh or smile, it's icing on the cake. It didn't used to be like this, but I have become accustomed to it over many years. I don't have any ambitions, plans or long-term goals. I do try to find love, but unfortunately not a lot of people are attracted to people with multiple health problems, especially at my age (35), and especially for the majority of people in the gay community (I hate to be broad, but it's true). The few serious relationships I have had since things went from bad to worse wound up falling apart in the end, for different reasons, but all had one thing in common: I was too much for them. So any efforts I make towards love now are only made with a lot more motivation behind it. It is one thing that I do actively seek, but am consistently let down.

So I get on DailyStrength and write this. I don't know why. I felt bad, so I came here. I went to this group and just started typing. I suppose maybe this is more of the sort of material fit for a journal, but I think I need to say this out loud and listen to what comes back.