Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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anonymousmouse 08/17/2018

*copy of post that I put up on the Depression Supporters group*

My long-term boyfriend of almost 9 years has issues of anxiety, OCD, depression and addiction. He is a freelance musician and teaches music students for a living as well as occasional performance gigs for income. This lifestyle has allowed him to go to sleep around 3:00-4 am, and wake up around noon for many many years. Private lesson teaching has not brought in steady income for a long time, and he has tons of student loans and only 2-year degree to show for it. I often help him book gigs and help with his website and other online stuff. He frequently complains about not having money, yet never changes his narrative. He went back to school for science a couple of years ago, but wasn't sure about having a "real job" in something else, so he quit. Luckily, I have a descent full-time job with a typical 9-5 schedule, but I can't help but feel like he doesn't put in his part to stay a-float. I pay a larger part of the rent, groceries, etc. and don't feel that he supports me a lot.

The OCD - He is a germaphobe, and gets angry (often yelling and belittling) and upset when I forget to take my shoes off at the door, touch something that he deems dirty - because its gross and because I might make him sick bringing in a contagion. He says that he can't get sick because he doesn't have time to miss work (only works 20 hours a week if that, and I work 40+). I never try to bring in things that might bother him, it's usually an accident or simply forgetfulness.

Yesterday the OCD of me wearing shoes into his car that were previously (days ago) on my feet at the gym threw him off big time. He said he was having a good day until he saw me and noticed my shoes. He constantly talks about killing himself because either I drive him crazy, or because he has no friends, no money, etc. This is very hard for me to hear over and over. I try to empathize, and suggest getting help because he doesn't need to feel this way. I want him to be happy. I've done research for him to see a therapist, but he never makes the call.

Another big issue we have is that he does not feel sexually satisfied. 3+ years ago, he came out to me about his fetish for serving women. It first I played along, asking him to do chores, he liked it - would masturbate in front of me, or sometimes it would lead to sex. That hasn't happened in a long time. We haven't had "normal" sex for a really long time. If we do, he always needs me to talk him through scenarios that involve serving my friends, mom, etc. I have repeatedly voiced that I am not comfortable with it. Sometimes I go along with it for a while, then I change my tone and get really pissed about it and tell him that I can't talk like that anymore. He gets angry and says that he really wants/needs to fulfill this in real life with someone. When I don't give in for a while, he watches fetish style porn so he doesn't "bother" me. I've asked to go to counseling especially for this, sometimes he talks like he might do it, but on other days he says things like, "no, I like this fantasy and I don't want it to go away" even though it's very clear that I'm not into it.

When his work load drops, he gets very upset and wonders why he is doing what he's doing for work, life, etc. He admits to not wanting to do any other type of work, but doesn't know why he can't change. To me, this comes off a little selfish, since almost everyone I know has to have a "day-job" in order to survive. Then it goes to suicide talk.

In-between, there are days where everything is good, we go out for walks, see live music, work-out. Usually he apologizes for blowing up at me within a day. He makes me laugh and I do love him and he is a very very talented musician, but I know I can't be doing this for another 5 years if he is not willing to put in the work to be a team. I want to eventually buy a house, start a family, and I can't support all of that on my own dime and mental state. I don't know what to do anymore.

Heidiclark 08/19/2018

I guess you have to weigh out the negative and the positive. Not to upset you or anything but I find some of his fantasies to be shocking---especially about your mother. It does sound like you will need to give him an ultimatum----either he get some help or you're leaving

AnnieToman 08/20/2018

well you said it all babe, hes selfish, not willing to help satisfy your needs. sometimes we make mistakes when we pick potential mates. just loving him is not enough, he has to love you back. to do this he has to love himself also which i doubt he really does. so he needs the work with therapy but does not want to change, hes to insecure to do this. so dear i am sorry to say, he looks pretty hopeless, set in his ways, the chance he will change are slim to none. and from reading what you wrote you want out so my suggestion is leave. thats the only hope you will ever be happy and have a family. dont let love stop you. you see plenty of divorces now days where love is still there but the people just dont fit together and become one like they should be to be a proper couple.

anonymousmouse 08/20/2018

Thanks for all of the responses. For whatever reason, this weekend went really well - no OCD episodes, talks of suicide, overall - happy and looking forward to future ideas. He was actually talking about looking into different schooling for a possible career adjustment. He admitted to needing to step up and be able to support himself, so we'll see. It's always back and forth, and that's one of the reasons that it's been hard for me to gauge what's really going on.

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