I was at school one time at I was severly depressed, down, sad or whatever you decide to call it... I reached out a little to a classmate that i had to talk to; because, we were are forced into a group for the class and he asked me one time how am i doing... I told him in the state of mind i was honestly down and going through some shit... he said this "Don't let it get you down, use it as fire." and this little pool I found at the time he said it, was the best thing to find. Though I was feeling down I did this I turned that little pool I felt and turned it into fire... meaning instead of being sad I used it to fuel me through my depression. I know it hard to understand on how to do it but i did it and make it through class I wish I could do the same thing all the time... it is hard to do I know and way easier typed than it is done... but when you do find a way to turn that sadness into a fire and fuel yourself to do better it is awesome.

I want everyone to know my story here so read closly and open mindedly meaning do not think of what you are going through when you read this. I REALLY MEAN THAT open your mind, look for knowledge and seek understanding. DO not think about what you are going through when you read this. DO not attempt to relate to me or compare and contrast each other's lives. We all go through hardships take what you can get from my story and use it as fuel to know you can do it.

I grew up a lonely child not; because, I did not have friends or my immediate family - My Father, Mother, Little Sister, and Little brother, good best friends i wish I could of kept. It was because of my parents I moved every 1 1/2 to 3 years - at max i would stay in a city, place, or school - so I learned the value of money and got used to loss of people really quickly. The only comfort or real friend I had was Video Games - Disregaurd everything you have heard or know about video games - they became my avenue for comfort because they were the only ones who would be there to relieaved me of my pain. I fought and won all my fights and they were with my best friends, I kicked their ass's every single one of them. Why I will never have a clear reason why I did but we must of had a disagreement or something and they stepped up and i put them down every time. Physically and mentally I challenged them and won it go to a point in my life where my family was able to settle down for a while in a school period for 5 years we went to middle school and a high school which i never got to finish. Being the oldest of the bunch I had to learn everything the hard way... and learn I did. Through finally sophmore year I started smoking weed that quickly turned into other things. Methamphetamine was 1 that first year I used it for atleast 4 years also during that time that was coke and crack which we made. Yes i learned to make crack cocaine and after that about 20 I was fed up with it and quit cold turkey. I continued to smoke weed and slowly became and alcoholic. By the time I was 21 I could only get down a 40 ounce of beer still sturggled for a long time to drink.. but my Father at 21 kicked me out of the house and remarried and I thought he had replaced his whole family with a new one... for the 1st year I would call my father drunk as hell wondering what he was up to and he would always say the same old same old he did not want to talk to me because I was a drunk like his father... I only recently found that out at 30 - i live with him again for the past 1 1/2 years - after finding out such information I knew why he didn't talk to me but I never could figure out why he would help out my brother's and sister's after manipulating him. He never helped me out untill I was in the hospital and he came to visit me - When he did I remember asking him DAD WHY ARE YOU HERE? he responded.

I have to go the memories are holding me back someone please copy and paste this and send it to me...