I made a fake email address under a different name to do this because I'm terrified of this being associated with the real me. I don't expect the internet to solve my problems but I guess it's some sort of start to get it out there and read by another human being familiar with the topic instead of keeping it to myself. 

Where do I even start? My age I guess? 20, and also a guy, that's about the most concrete detail I'm gonna say. Well, anyways, I'm happier right now where I am in life than I have been in years, but that is going to change in about 4 months and I'll be back to the same old rut that I've found myself in since early high school. I'm not going to go into details about why I'm going back to that place, but all I'm gonna say is that I've had a fantastic opportunity that sadly has to come to an end, and there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that. Every time I think about going back I get incredibly depressed and stressed out, and I've tried to lowkey make that known to the people around me but they just laugh and say enjoy my time while I can. 

Let me also explain what I mean by "happier than I have been in years", because it may not be as it sounds. I'm still pretty miserable, just not so much as I normally am. I've told a few people here and there that I'm not happy but they usually just tell me to get help and then the subject never comes up again. I also usually very much regret whenever I tell someone.

So what exactly is wrong? There's a list so I guess I'll just go through all that I can think of, don't feel obligated to read it all. As a side note, I've figured out most of the root causes of these problems and why they affect me, but I don't think that's super important information and it'll make the post waaay to long, so if you're curious just ask in the comments I guess? Don't know who'd be curious but I'm mostly typing this for myself so maybe I'll just put it in the comments anyways. Well, let's get started.

The fact that I'm miserable almost always stays on my mind, and I often make jokes and sarcastic comments about depression around other people but instantly deny anything if they ask about it. 

I get sad when I don't go out with friends but when I get invited to things I usually try to find a way to not go or when I go I'm constantly pulled out of the group with thoughts questioning why I'm here. I do have fun the majority of the time, but the thoughts are still there. Also, as a side note, I have plenty of friends that I'm close, so that's not a problem there. 

I "fall in love" with people I don't know. Or at least I think I do, I'm not sure. I've never had a relationship or even my first kiss for that matter, so I'm not sure what love actually feels like. But basically random people that I'm vaguely aware of will strike my fancy out of the blue and I'll be infatuated with that person for months at a time without ever actually meeting them. I'm also a huge daydreamer, and even use daydreaming as a method to help me get to sleep at night. I invent elaborate fairytales in my mind about that person. All of them involve that person taking the initiative and being the one to lead the relationship. I have no desire to initiate anything myself, both in the daydream or real life. I'm not strange, awkward, or unattractive, but my lack of experience and desire for the other person to take charge leaves me at a big disadvantage. All of this makes me very lonely and depressed but I refuse to take steps to change the problem because that would mean I would have to take the initiative.

I work myself incredibly hard, way more than I ever would need to, and then get upset about how much work I have and that I have no time to spend time with friends. Of course there are plenty of very good things that come out of this (my career and resume so far is going pretty much perfectly), however overall it greatly reduces my happiness. This isn't so much of a problem now, but will be soon again. 

I'll randomly go into roughly 2-4 hour long stints where I think life is pretty hopeless and try (unsuccessfully) to figure out why I even bother to work as hard as I do. Also, during these times I often listen to sad music and stare off into the distance like I'm in the sad part of a movie, then I get pissed at myself for thinking it's going to work itself out and that there is some invisible audience watching me and that I'm not alone in that moment. Having typed that out and sounds super silly, but I'll keep it in. 

I occasionally decide that I'm done with dealing or depending on other people and that it's time I just cut friends out and have nothing to do with other people. Usually after a couple hours that feeling goes away. 

Getting out of bed is the most difficult part of the day. I have to set 8 alarms over a period of 45 minutes to work up the motivation to get out of bed and get moving. 

Up until recently, I always used to tell myself that things would be better with a location change. Things will be better in college. Things will be better on summer vacation back home. Things will be better when I'm back at college in classes. Things will be better next semester. Recently I've accepted that things are not going to get better with a change in venue, it's a problem with me. Even where I'm at in life where what I'm doing is amazing and what I've always dreamed of doing (but like I said will change...), I'm still not happy. 

I usually want to tell people that I'm not happy, but then struggle with it and usually don't say anything when I plan to. 

I sometimes (not super often) fantasize about my death and think that ending my own life is a logical option that would be best. Don't sound the alarms, I really don't think I'd ever seriously do it, but sometimes the thought is there.

There's other stuff (just more general sad things...) but in the interest of length I'll stop here. If you've actually made it this far, thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story.

Like I said, I'm not expecting strangers on the Internet to solve my lifes problems, but it will feel nice to get this out there under an anonymous name. I know, I should seek professional help. Everyone says that, and they're right. It's normal, nothing to be ashamed of, it's like getting a broken arm fixed, etc etc etc. I'm working towards that. I think. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction. 

Thanks for reading.