You & I have a lot in common. I grew up amongst alcoholics too. My mom left when I was 8, but my dad was a real challenge. When he went into the rest home, all he did was complain, & I was constantly running errands for him, & going out to fix is TV remote. That was the period during which my depression & anxiety reached their peak. He treated me like dirt my whole life, & then "expected" me to do all those things for him, which I did. I knew if I didn't, I would regret it after he died. I am now GLAD I did everything I did for him, my conscience is clear as far as that subject goes.
You will one day be glad you helped your mother. I know what hell you are going through, but doing those things is basically the "right" thing to do. I am hoping & praying that someday my own kids will help me when Im old, but Im not holding my breath. Young people nowadays don't have the sense of "honor thy father & mother".
Hang in there & keep coming here to vent. (hugs)

Cutting back on the things you do for your mom sounds like a way to start. I know it is hard. Perhaps you can tell your mother that you will work on her issues on one set day a week unless they are major "right now!" issues.

YOU get to decide what qualifies as a right now issue!

I don't know how to react to her wishing to die other than to suggest, QUITE TONGUE IN CHEEK that you say "Well maw, better you than me."

But that would be unkind, so you might just want to think it.

My MIL has stated a desire to die in the past, but only to my wife. The way my wife deals with it is to validate what ever issue she is facing, but guides her to other solutions. Granted my MIL is not a constant "I want to die" type of person.

Please make yourself more of a priority in your life.

Continuing hugs

That must be extremely difficult to hear your mom say all the time. I agree with thepepperman, prioritize her needs and do not put her needs before your own. Express how difficult it is to hear her say those things and let her know you cannot help her if she continues to say things that hurt you. Having depression, we know she is probably crying for help. Can you suggest she sees a counselor? Or if she's seeing one, suggest she talks to her about her feelings about suicide? I pray that I never put that on my child to deal with. You shouldn't have to deal with it either. I understand the desire to drink to deal with things. In fact, I'm still drinking, but I know it will make nothing better. Sending you strength to fight the urge to drink and ability to set boundaries with your mom.

I wish she would talk to someone about what she is feeling. She absolutely refuses. And despite the fact that her children are on antidepressants, she will not even consider them.

I just wanted to share with you my similar experience with my grandmother. It was her idea to come to Phoenix to live in a retirement home, my parents toured several and we all decided the one she ended up at would be best for her, she agreed. Once she was there, though, nothing but complaints. And I can't tell you how many times she'd say she just wanted to die so she wasn't a burden to us anymore. My parents live about 2 hours away, so it was up to me to visit. It was supposed to be now and then, but she guilted me into going every weekend (30 minute drive each way), which was a drain for me. I lost 2-3 hours of my weekend, and I'm a single mom working full time. Anyway, I can sort of relate to how you feel. I know the whole thing really stressed my mom out too. She just didn't have to deal with it the same way I did.

I do hope you don't rely on the alcohol too much, even though I drink from time to time, I'm very sensitive to it being used in excess. My brother died from it, and I don't want anyone else going through what he went through in his final couple of weeks, or what we've gone through in losing him.

Diane, you have to put yourself first or I fear you will end up drinking. Your mom is very selfish and is not thinking of anyone but herself. Sorry to be so blunt but that's how I see it. It's time to back off and put the focus on yourself. Do something nice for yourself. Set limits with your mom. Tel her there's only so much you can do for her and that you have to take care of yourself first and foremost

Just wanted to add that I am especially concerned about how this is affecting your job. You can't let the situation with your mom jeapordize your job.

Watch a good movie and have a good cry instead, sober.

>>I come from a family of alcoholics and I have used alcohol as a crutch in the past....but I can't stop thinking that the only way to deal with this situation is to get drunk and stay drunk. I can't take much more.

Well, that is certainly alcoholic thinking. The logic is "I have this problem, .. so I think I will create new problems to go along with it,"

Inebriation is no solution ... and surely you can understand that.

I don't know of Mom is in there because of mental or physical limitations ... or both. If mental, she may not be able to comprehend reality.

If, on the other hand, she can .. here is her reality .. she is there because it is deemed to be the best place for her. If she thinks she can do better, she should walk out of there.

There it is, Mom ... either accept or get out of it ... if you can make it on your own. There are no other choices. You are free to go with either one.

As for her dependence on you, ... her needs are provided by the facility she is in ... .. that is why she is there ... so THEY can 'take care' of her ... and they are being paid to do it. If she doesn't like this brand of tissue, she can ask THEM for her preferred. They can say yes or they can say no.

You will NEVER be able to make her happy. This is why you want to get drunk which will be an epic FAIL.

In your case, set your OWN limits ... because someone has to.

I DONT LIVE NEAR MY MOMS NURSING HOME.
I LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE IN FACT.
I DO CALL HER OFTEN THO.
SHE HAS ALZHEIMERS.
MY BROTHER HAS 2 DEAL WITH MOM.
HE SEEMS TO B DOING IT QUITE WELL.
PLEASE DONT TAKE EVERY LITTLE COMMENT PERSONALY OR FOR REAL.
SHE IS NOT IN HER RIGHT MIND U KNOW...........
GBU
D
;-O

PS. U R NOT GOD.........................
DONT TAKE MORE THAN U CAN CHEW.
LEAVE HER IN THE HANDS OF OUR LORD IN HEAVEN.
GBU
D
;-O

No matter what...don't drink...it hurts YOU.
Its not an escape..its a death trap.

And escape is a movie, a walk, a bike ride, a trip to an aquarium, a museum....the mall....Walmart...even CVS!!!

Just take care of you and the rest will follow.
Someone said it...she is not in her right mind...don't let this push you into a BAD frame of mind as well :(

Both of my parents were alcoholic and guess what I did. I drank alcoholically for years trying to fix what I found out many years later was such a severe depression. I don't know if I could've done what you are doing with your mother. I was only around my mother briefly when she was dying of cancer. She couldn't be honest with me about the abuse she and dad did to me, even on her deathbed. Drinking never solves any problems. We cease learning and you need to set boundaries like many have said on here. It's easy to use her behavior as an excuse for drinking but you never end up with any real solutions to the problem.
Try telling her the truth(with love) about how her constant demands make you feel. Tho she may not react the way you want her too, at least you've done what you need to do for you. Good luck and God be with you during this trying time.

I have managed to avoid the liquor store. I went to talk to my therapist tonight instead.

That's great that you avoided drinking. That must have took a lot of willpower. You made the right choice.

I don't have much to add when it comes to your mom. I'll repeat what sounds like good advice. Work on yourself.

If your mom doesn't like the place, maybe there is a better one out there for her. They are supposed to take care of her there.