Seriously consider modern ECT.

Birdie, My depressive episodes started early in childhood, so I do get life long depression. Meds never made a difference, so I had to build a toolbox. I now can see when I am journeying down that hole, and use tools to turn it around before getting to the bottom. I have learned to deal with grief, which is separate from the depression but can get me there. I have turned to the RBT I learned decades ago to challenge the lies that depression feeds me. I know that I must force myself to be active and interact with others. I keep an ongoing to do list and dot 2 things that I must get done each day, which lets me check off 2 things I have accomplished. If I do more, great. Depression tells us we are hopeless and helpless against it; that is its power and great lie. The docs can't fix us, only we can. We are here for you. Comforting hugs.

Please hang in there. I am the mom of a son that died. You cannot begin to understand the pain my whole family is in and it is eight years later. And he died in his sleep. If he had taken his life I would be blaming myself every minute of the day. Your life is worth living honey. I’m very depressed for the first time in my life. I am so sorry you felt this for so long. I am stopping right now to pray for you. Please hang in. Hold on HUGS BIRDIE

Thank you for reaching out, Birdie. You are not alone in this fight - the winners are the ones who keep on fighting.

Just out of curiosity, do you have any hobbies or things you enjoy doing in your free time?

Just a few ideas for depression:
1. A lot of doctors just ADD more meds. If one isnt working, have them CHANGE to another.. not add another.
2. i have long term depression and NO response to SSRI's, so i talked to my doctor and had him prescribe tri-cyclic's. it's another class of antidepressants that works DIFFERENTLY. and it worked well for me.
3. ECT is a reasonable option. You are sedated and asleep when they do it, it's not hooking you up to a car battery while you are awake.
4. TMS - that is magnetic therapy. It's provided good results in a lot of cases. I cant try it because i cant afford it, but if you are able to afford it or are on medicare it's worth a shot.
5. look at your depression deeply, does it stem from anxiety, anger, or even OCD.. you might respond better to anti-anxiety meds (which are a different class) or even mood stabilizers. (this might take some searching with a therapist to uncover but hey you have to treat the root of the problem.)

In short. If your meds arent working TELL your doctor and try something else. It took me years to find the right meds for me.

Thanks so much everyone for your kind responses. I have had ECT, which unfortunately did not help and I believe has messed up my memory. I don't think TMS is available where I am. I have been on and off meds from every class of antidepressants as well as some of the newer ones, as well as various mood stabilizers, atypical antipsychotics and benzos.

There is so much stigma around mental illness that I feel alone in it especially in the workplace, where I keep things going as best I can. But I push people away and shut myself off, especially family.

I know I am hurting my parents right now but because they are worried they find more excuses to phone, or come around. I'm crying now because they came to drop something off and I basically let them drop it and go. I don't want to talk or be touched (but they have a perception that I need to be hugged and can talk about what's wrong). I hate it and feel.so mean and horrible. They try so hard to help and I turn them away.

For a while I got into a routine of exercise which helped. It takes all my effort to cope with work that to even try keep up with hobbies etc is impossible.

I feel like I should be able to pull myself out of this pit, but am tired and alone.