We all have our story of how we got this far, how life got so dark that we can no longer see and function on our own. I am glad I found this site and a place where I can talk to people and apply the wisdom I learned over the last six months since I decided to live. Depression had me for almost three decades, since early childhood. I learned that depression is a "negative response to life" according to Oprah who had Deepak Chopra on her show explaining what it is. I learned that it is also anger turned inward. I was emotionally abused and especially yelled at for crying, which made me cry for hours. The pain wouldn't stop. Until I found a temporary alcohol habit. It didn't matter that I crashed later on in the evening. Alcohol saved me for a few good hours. It was worth it because I had no other way out. My family denied that I had depression. They lied and told me that the therapists were evil and only wanted to make money medicating me and that depression doesn't exist at all. That it's just a label. They invalidated my suffering. Well, after suffering for this long I can say for sure that I do have clinical depression. That is what one therapist labeled me and I felt that she was right deep down inside. They say that if your gut reacts to something, it's probably right. So I'm going with it. I have been sober for four months and am suffering the same feelings I did as a kid. This is real. As horrible as it sounds, deep down inside, I am actually relieved to know that I have depression. Stuffing it down was making my life a living hell. I was starting to fall apart in so many ways. Luckily I am strong. My friends would always tell me that but I didn't believe them. Now I have reason to. The thoughts in my head are still very sad. I get hit with depression once a week and it lasts a day or two, but I work to be proactive in my recovery with exercise, positive music and small attempts at doing the things I need and love to do. I am currently seeking a therapist who works with cognitive behavioral therapy. This is nothing short of a miracle for me. I was destined to die. No one was there for me until now and even when a living angel came around now and again to tell me that everything is going to be ok, I couldn't "feel" it. Deep inside, all stuff that happened added up to a dark, downward spiral. This is why every attempt at making life good didn't work. Depression has been like quicksand and I don't want to go down any further. I'm shoulder deep in and need your support. Please share anything. I want to make this real and am finally aware and willing to make a real attempt at coming out of this paralysis once and for all. Thank you!