Death is not a solution, nor is it a way to escape. Depression is horrible and many days it can b suffocating. But that's why we have groups like this to help pull us out of the unforgiving black hole. The thoughts, memories, guilt, shame, sadness all the torments of depression but it does go away. It's a lot of work. There r many things to help us one is thought blocking. Sounds silly but when a bad thought comes into ur head u do whatever to recognize that u don't want to think about it and put a new thought in. Even if its something silly like "puppy dogs" and repeat over and over and do it every time the negative thought comes around. It does change after a bit. Our mind is the battlefield and we have to outsmart ourselves believe it or not. I feel ur pain, there have been so many days where I would wake up and wish I could just sleep till it all went away. There r also several supplements that make a great difference too. I wish u all the luck and am here to support u .

You go to a counsellor right? Is she away right now? I think I saw that somewhere.
I understand its tiring but Please hang in there and don't give up.
It sounds like you like the counsellor and she's helpful. People do care too.
Go to an ER or phone the crisis hotline if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Yes I do see a counselor and she is gone right now.

It just seems like everything is getting more and more overwhelming. It just keeps building up and getting heavier. And I'm holding on for now, but I can't for much longer. And I don't know when, but I do know that eventually, sometime soon, it will get to be too much and I will let go. Because I can't keep holding on like this forever.

You taking any medications?
I don't know if you see a doctor or not but maybe getting the right Meds may help you.
I know medications can help get out of the depths to be able to cope with life better.
I'm sorry you are struggling so hard. Is there anything that can distract you, help you to feel better even for a moment?
I see the cat in your avatar, is that yours? Animals can be good therapy.
I have a dog and she helps me. She gives me incentive to get up and move.

Not on meds right now. Tried quite a few, but nothing seems to work at all.
That used to be my cat, not anymore. Have another one though.

It can take years to find the right med combo, but when you finally do it's worth it. My pdoc was altering my meds every month for two years before I hit on a combo that works. Don't give up on it. It's hell being a guinea pig trying new meds all the time - but as I said in the end it's worth the trouble.

April, you have gotten good comments here but one thing I do want to say is that if you keep looking at life as one big negative, that is how it will stay. And 99% of what we worry about never comes to fruition. But that 1 % of depression and anxiety can truly ruin our life. Please don't give up on yourself, okay? You CAN handle it, you just need to stop telling yourself that you CAN"T! Okay? When does your therapist get back? Let her know all that you have been going through, it's important. I'll be glad when I have one to talk to. Hugs GB

Are you under medical supervision. I understand what you mean about the noise, pain, and pain. You need a therapist or pdoc to go through the fear and pain with. Hopefully, they can get you going again. Like others siad on here, death is not the only option, you can get help.