It is a damn shame that the college would put you out after you worked so hard to be there. I know, I was put out of the Master's program at my school because I got sick. I did however, work two jobs and work full time in order to go. So, I know how you feel there.

People can be so cruel, especially kids. Perhaps college would have been a better experience had you not have to work so hard. Well, your hear now, we won't make fun of you or make you fill invisible. I felt that way when I got here.

I know about being tired of it all. One thing after another. Your right to a certian point, it is how we react to differant situations. But when you are down in the dark hole of depression and anxiety it is hard to come out. Please get some help soon. Your too young to waste your life this way. Me I dont know if there will ever be any help.

@ZAZAS: I'm not sure what was more frustrating about college, the classes with their pointlessness, or all the kids who didn't have to work their way through and thought you were crazy.
I'm getting better at not being invisible, but I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how not to be paranoid.

@Kellysue1: I don't know how to get help that wont cost my rent payment or more. I've never been to a therapist and our school system never had anything but academic councilor. And hey, your not allowed to try and give me hope when you loose it in yourself. Keep looking.

By any chance are we related? Your story sounds so familiar. Except for the college part. That was when I was the happiest, but then I didn't have to work 4 jobs like you and for that, I give you a lot of credit. Any chance you can talk to the dean about your circumstances and see if he can help you out? I don't suppose there is another college close by that you could transfer to and let them know ahead of time about your situation? All the schooling in the world isn't going to make a difference if you don't have a roof over your head so you really weren't given many options, were you? I can understand why you are tired. Emotionally and physically.

@gramybear: lol, I wish I was related to you, then I would have someone in my family that understood. I do have one aunt who might understand, but she turned to prescription drugs and alcohol. Not really someone that I can talk to.
As for college, even when I was in school, the dean's didn't really care. They stood by the fact that most syllabus that teachers make that if you miss four classes you fail the class. Since it's in writing, they don't really care. Since I am only a semester or two away from graduating, I don't really have the option to drop down to a community college, and because of the California State system, my GPA wont let me transfer to the one where I live now, back home with my parents.
I didn't ramble on too much did I?

It's never too late for a happy ending. I had my teenage rebellion at 42, trying out cigarettes for the first time, refusing to go to bed at a reasonable time, eating junk food, wearing clothes I wanted to rather than clothes I was expected to, getting my hair cut.

Colleges and schools acre about one thing; their pass rate. If you don't fit in the box they don't give a shit. My son just got "eased out" of his college course as he couldn't keep up through illness. I'm afraid that unless you have endless buckets of money you're fighting the system on that one.

Maybe you could commit a crime and get banged up as prisoners in the UK get free education to degree and PHD level!

I don't mean to be flippant, I just want you to know you're not alone. And not, you're not rambling.

@Juice: I can't believe that about the UK, I know you can get your GED here in the US, but that's about it.
I've never really rebelled against anything, never felt the need to really, I've just never fit in to anything. I'm tired of only having my animals to talk to, but I'm not willing to go to a bar to meet people, and I don't drink coffee, so, I don't know what to do.
I'm tired of everyone else getting a life to live while I work and work and don't get anywhere but more in debt.

Nothing wrong with crying yourself to sleep.

It's ok to be tired.Have you considered going to adult ed classes to get your college course finished? Maybe now you're a bit more settled financially you can?
How we react is part of what causes depression but experiences and chemicals are part of it too. Are you on medication?
When I was in school I figured I had a couple of close friends I could always rely on...until the second I was out of sight then I was forgotten. At uni I esentially had only the wonderful people here at DS.
You canget out of depression, I believe in you.

Message me if you want to talk *hugs*

@Scared: Adult Ed mostly covers what would fall under general education, I have all of that finished and just need my major courses to do, but because of the budget, they spread them out and offer them less, so one semesters worth of classes would take me about three years.
I am no where near financially stable, student loans start to get collected six months after you stop taking classes and I passed that a while, not to mention the credit card payments that I had to live off of.
No, I'm not on medication, I've never been to a therapist of any kind, could never afford it.
I also have many friends like that, I only hear from them when they need something. How nice.

when you say 'tired', i know exactly how you feel -- life seems dull and unending and a chore. even as a strong, positive person, it's hard to maintain a good attitude, because that weariness is omnipresent, waiting for your vulnerable moments. i hit my limit on feeling that way last summer -- i also realized i needed help to stop living under this cloud. you do have options, please know that.

you don't have to be suicidal to call a hotline -- they will have great resources to direct you to where you can get help, and will just listen to anything you need to say, and answer any questions they can.

i was unemployed, without benefits, out of college, when i started therapy; lots of places have sliding-scale clinics that charge by what you can afford. money was such a source of anxiety for me, my first two therapists swung it so that i had no payments. i would be *really* surprised if your college had no therapists on staff, and i actually got treatment as an alum by students in the counseling grad program.

you can also get your student loans deferred due to hardship. they will work with you, since the loans were there to aid, not drive you further into debt. you might also look into asking your Bursar or Registrar if you can maintain status as a student between the semesters you need, or just take required electives to stay active in the system.

the biggest thing is getting yourself to talk to people and asking for help; if you are ready to get better and dedicated, it's surprising how many people will move mountains. it will still be a struggle, but you don't have to do it alone. realizing that you need help is such a huge step, you're already on your way; just be gentle with yourself, and stick with it through any setbacks.

let me emphasize: treat yourself kindly. you've already been through enough.

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I've had a similar college experience. Its hell. I still deal with feelings of inadequacy and doubt my own capabilities. When it comes down to it, people, professors, or colleges who don't accept or support you despite your struggles aren't worth your time. Despite getting As on course work, I had one professor fail me due to absences. It seems like people who can't give breaks have never needed one, and I pity them when they come to need genuine help one day. I started out college as a highly successful student, in fact I was even awarded scholarships. Becoming depressed and dealing with an anxiety disorder, along with personal medical problems has made my college experience horrible. I really feel like once i'm able to get my degree and get out of the stress filled realm of college I'll be a happier and healthier person. I hope you'll be able to find a place of work that will be more supportive of you. Don't beat yourself up over the past. Easier said than done, but let go of feelings of failure. Wishing the best for you.

@Small: thank you for a lot of your advice, I didn't know a lot of the stuff about clinics using sliding scales.
I am no longer even near the college that I went to. So I don't think some of the ways you mentioned aren't as feesible.
I am trying to get things together, it's just taking longer than I expected or want.

@Angel: I was the same way starting out in college, and everything went downhill quickly. I don't understand some professors. Thank you.