Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Since I was a child I always felt I was different than most I never knew why nor could I explain why I felt the way I did. As I got older I guess I was in denial in acknowledging that there was something off about how I felt on a daily basis. I was diagnosed with depression in 2010, at first it was hard to imagine I was clinically depressed because it seemed like only people who were crazy went to therapy and took medications but I couldnt deny how similar my feelings were with those who were depressed. Even to this day its hard to comprehend but I think Im more accepting of how I feel. For the past few years Ive been on and off medications and seeing therapists. In October I went to Uganda to volunteer at an orphanage which was really eye opening and a great experience. I had a lot of anxiety in going but when I was there I felt real good even though I didnt sleep much I wrote every night, prayed and even read the bible, I dont subscribe really to any religion but I like reading about various types of beliefs. While I was there my depression seemed to subside because before I left I was having a real tough time. When I came back home I felt I had a new zest for life only to come back and be overwhelmed with everything I left behind it was like the negative things were just waiting for me. All the good things I learned abroad have seemed to disappear. Ive always had suicidal thoughts since I was a child, I always wished I wasnt born. I pretty much got through life suppressing sexual/physical abuse, deaths within my family/close friends the list can go on until I couldnt suppress them anymore. When I came back I decided to go back to therapy even though I thought my therapist only wanted me medicated but I felt I didnt have much option. Since November Ive been on 6 different anti-depressants and changing the dosage. Remron used to work for me but not this time and the other ones didnt fare any better. If anything some of the medications intensified the suicidal thoughts to the point where I researched effective ways to end my life and do it properly. One day at work I just lost it and put a bag over my head I started to feel lightheaded and since I didnt secure it when I feel down the bag slipped off and I was left gasping for air. I started seeing another councilor at my college but she keeps postponing our sessions and due to my depression and anxiety I was trouble writing exams so I thought she could help but she didnt. My friend suggested I check out a clinic that does Trans cranial Direct Current Stimulation treatment. I went for a consultation and it seemed promising. I have yet to go through it but lately more and more suicide seems more appealing its getting harder and harder to cope and deal with the negative thoughts its just so draining. It seems inevitable that Ill always feel this way so I should end it to do myself and everyone a favor I dont want to feel this way anymore. The medications Im taking arent working all I feel is the undesirable side effects. When I tried to reach out to people I thought cared I was met with ignorance, ridicule, selfish rebuttals or people just disappeared from my life that includes my own family members. I dont know why Im even writing this maybe for some support or insight but I think Im on the verge of just ending it because trying to maintain my sanity is taking its toll on me and its not like anyone would miss me. Grief is a natural feeling which people would get over and I feel I dont have purpose or self-worth. When I try to find reasons to live I can find even more reasons to why I should end my existence. I know I should know better but every day that passes it gets harder to think why my life is worth living. The stigma around depression is huge and people dont seem to want to educate themselves to help others instead they just voice their opinions based on ignorance. I told someone at a moment of weakness that I attempted suicide and its always on my mind the literal response from them was oh wow thats scary. So what really is the point in me struggling day to day at this point?
iflounder
Cloud, don't give up yet. Try the DCS treatment, and if it doesn't help there will probably be a newer treatment by then. Advances are being made daily against this crummy depression crap. People who have not gone through it can't possibly understand. I do. Were you outside more when in Uganda? Your mind was busier being there, perhaps try getting outside more and keeping busy! I currently struggle to keep busy, and have to really kick myself to keep going some days. there is sunshine ahead of you, please don't give up
muskrattiger
you have had a lot of trama in your life through no fault of your owen ....."...not your falt none of it ....that s the..... first .....thing you need to know ..through and through ....second ....is that when you went away ...to help those people ..you felt better ...because ..you had people that needed you and you were realy helping them and that gives us good feelings ..good feelings ...combat the depreshion ......the reason you got worse .....when you came back is because ...all the reminders of the things that hapened to you just hit you ...they are all around you ..the people the memories ......third .......people .who have never had depreshion just have no idea of what we go through ...they say stupid things to us that can be very hurtfull ..........if you had any other desease ...you would think nothing of going to the hospital and taking the pills to heal your self ...so why ...are you ..not doing the same for this debases ..you have ....somthing very important ...forget what people think ...they are not you and not going through the horror you are going through ....................................................................................I have had depreshion all my life I don't know what it is to be with out some leavel of depreshion .......so you know you are diferant but you don't know why ..I stayed away from people as much as posible ....I looked after the kids that were being picked on ....and let very few people into my .life ..........I never wanted to be here ......untill I hit my 50 s ....and than I just changed and I wanted to be here ...if I would of given up all thouse years ago I would of mised these times ...watching my grandchildren ..grow up and seeing the world through there eyes ......they can't .get me all the way up out of depreshion but I have a life ....and with the help ...the wounderfull caring people in here ...it is a life worth living .....and you can have that to ....but you can't give up ....you just can't ......at this stage ....you need to be seeing a phicitrist ....and on meds .....I am on 4 diferant antiedepresants ..so there is lots of ..room to get the right meds for you ...and angizity is a diferant thing than depreshion and often needs diferant meds to treat it .....I would hope ...you get the help you so need .................there is one more thing that I can't tell you enough how important ..it is for your recovery .....and that is ..you need to talk .....that .is what you need to do so you can start to heal ..it might seam very painfull and or imbarising comming out ....but just look how hard it has been on you keeping it all in and it can get worse .....I ended up in the hospital once ...this was after a suside attempt but I was hearing voices and my head was not in the right space ...and I realy was not thinking I wanted to die I just needed out out of all the pain ....and my son woke up from his nap and I just snaped out of it .............than I just started shouting dowen I couldent talk or look at anyone ..so my h area ges it with our family doctor fro me to go to the hospital ..and see a phicitrist ....they had to give me ect ..because I was going dowen to far to fast and meds would not be able to get me back fast enought .....you can go dowen so far they can't get you back .....what I learned was that I had to talk ...and I started talking ........and I began to be able to heal .....there is depreshion on both sids of my parents family's my father side is the worst ....and ..I seam to have got the worst of it .........I was in there two months ...they wanted me to stay longer but I had small children to look after ...and my family were fighting with my h blaming him for my being sick ....so I needed to go home ....but I never want to go there again ....but if I ever feel that I am getting sick enough to go to the hospital that's ware I will go ..and if I need ect I will take it again ...it was a life saver for me ............there are some people who take like one or two ect treatments a months with there meds .......................but what is realy going to help you is to get everything that ever hurt you out ...than you can begin to heal ....keeping it all in is like when you were a kid and you got a sliver in deap and you dident want your mom to take it out ...and so what hapens is it festeres ..becomes infected ....and at some point it explodes pushing the sliver out ......that is what hapenes with these painfull memories and hurts if you keep them all bottled inside the biger to infect ..you ...they cause more and more pain ...until.you get help and let it out ......let the pressure out that just keeps building up ..if you don't let it out you can break ..like I did ...you realy don't want to go there ....and if you break once it is easer for you to break again ..and even easer for you to break a third time ...................so you have ..to love the parts of ..the people in your life you can ....axcept them for how they are ....and if they are a negative for se in your life than you need to limit how much time you spend with them .....you .have to understand ....that someone who has not been through depreshion ...have no idea what you are going through .....and let it go .....unless you have some one real close like I had my h and he came in to see my phicitrist with me ...at diferant times to learn what I was going through .....and even than without the experance they can only understand so much ....this is the place you will be understood ....that is why I am here ..I need that ....I need to know I am not alone .....and last you need to fight every day ....and never give up ....take it one day at a time ...take it one hour at a time if you have to untill you get the help you need ....I am sorry this is so long ........and be good to your self ..take care of your self ...I will keep you always in my prayers ....God bless
foundlove
People who have never had depression will never understand what you're going through, and that is why they do not know how to respond to what you're going through. I am realizing that many people suffer from depression at some point in their life. The friends that I have confided in and reached to have also responded strangely to me, and did not understand. I feel like people do not want to be around me. I understand how you feel, though. Please realize that there are people out there to meet that will be understanding and supportive. I know how you feel, though. I feel like I don't want to confide anymore into people. Please don't give up, though. I will pray and hope you get through this deep depression.
cloud26
Thank you everyone for your insight and encouragement. It does feel nice to talk and hear from people who have had similar experiences and can relate to how I feel as opposed to those who think they know but really only judge. Its hard some days because it feels like your world is caving in on you its very overwhelming and hard to remain positive. Thank you to all of you again.
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