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So I used to think about suicide all the time. I have attempted suicide 4 times in the past. It still crosses my mind, but I don't think of actually doing it because I know what I have to live for, my family, my fiance, my niece and nephews.
But today was the first day in a long time that I thought about actually killing myself again.
This has been one of the worst years of my life, if not the worst, and that's saying something because I've had some really horrible ones. And the past 4 months everything has just been piling on top of each other, one horrible shitty thing right after the other, everything happening at one damn time. I keep having meltdowns and panic attacks.
I haven't had a panic attack in years! And today so much more happened that I couldn't stop crying (which I have done a lot of this year) that I just thought, "Oh my god I can't take this anymore." And I sat there and really contemplated suicide for about an hour. And of course I just thought about the things that have always stopped me.
But it doesn't make the feeling of wanting to do it go away. It just makes the actual doing it go away.
No, I'm not going to kill myself, I just needed to vent somewhere for a moment. Thank you for listening...well, reading.
But today was the first day in a long time that I thought about actually killing myself again.
This has been one of the worst years of my life, if not the worst, and that's saying something because I've had some really horrible ones. And the past 4 months everything has just been piling on top of each other, one horrible shitty thing right after the other, everything happening at one damn time. I keep having meltdowns and panic attacks.
I haven't had a panic attack in years! And today so much more happened that I couldn't stop crying (which I have done a lot of this year) that I just thought, "Oh my god I can't take this anymore." And I sat there and really contemplated suicide for about an hour. And of course I just thought about the things that have always stopped me.
But it doesn't make the feeling of wanting to do it go away. It just makes the actual doing it go away.
No, I'm not going to kill myself, I just needed to vent somewhere for a moment. Thank you for listening...well, reading.
Sometimes I contemplate suicide as well...but like you, I think of the reasons not to. It doesn't take away the thoughts, but it does make the actual doing it go away.
Lucky though, the first time I'd gone through the suicide thing was when I found out that my mother had found out that my stepfather had been molesting me and I had got pregnant and run away from home and had an abortion and all that groooooooovy shit you do when you're far too young.
so anyway that was a REALLY bad time and I remembered back to that time and what had stopped me killing myself. which was logic, actually. It had finally got through to me after 1/2 bottle of vodka when i had figured out how to end it all without disarranging my flatmates' exams (little did I know they would have got aegrotats) that it was really pathetic to rob your mother of her daughter, on top of everything else she must be suffering.
I was a very private and compartmentalised child. And that carried on well into my forties. :D what happens over here disappears. Over there it never happened and I carry on. And back over here, this reality returns and that over there disappears. It took a nervous breakdown (2009 again) to break the whole reality so utterly that I had to rebuild right from the ground, with no separation in realities.
Outrageously amazing experience. Horrific, nightmarish. Becoming sane after 40 yrs of insanity was horrific. Accepting realities I had hidden from myself when I considered myself honest was educational to say the least.
Where am I going with this?
I guess that if you are suicidal again, you are living wrong. you are doing it wrong. You are letting stress build. You are letting lies, or compromises build. You are letting vital bits of you break off. You are selling out and this is the price tag. When you do x, you get y. If you no want y, you must stop x.
You and I know the consequences of not living true and straight: suicide. So you have to do in your life what it takes to get yourself back in the driver's seat of your life, driving in the direction you consider best.
Which is that suicide is the thing your brain says to do, when it doesn't want to do what it knows PERFECTLY WELL it needs to do.
you know perfectly well what you have to do, we all do. We're all born knowing what we should be doing. And we lie to ourselves, and hide from ourselves, and kid ourselves that we can find the shortcut, the cheat's way, the trick, the sneak that means we don't have to do it.
Heh. :D
And there is no easy way.
If that shortcut really were a shortcut; it would be the main road.