Do you get on with your mum? Is she someone you can tell this to? Can you go home for a visit?

Is there someone at work you can tell you can trust? Is there anyone in your life at all that you can tell that you can trust?

This is only going to get worse until you turn it around. But maybe you can make a start with taking vitamins, eating better... and slowly, slowly ease down on the alcohol.

Quietly.

So it doesn't notice and attack.

xx

Thanks so much, bridgie101. I know it will only get worse. The issue is my pride and shame. I need to let go of my fear of being ashamed and admit what I'm going through. No parents left where I live unfortunately, but it's possible I can find a friend and certainly a good multivitamin. Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. I have friends, and friends that would care a lot!! I just can't bear to tell them the truth about me, that I am full of it. I'm afraid they won't trust me again. I am such a big giver. I pride myself on helping others, but I have been helping others at my own disadvantage, giving so much, performing so much, that I don't have any time for myself and then I drink away my sorrows, create boundaries this way. I am afraid to say "no" or disappoint people.

Thank you so much again for your support.

I'm going to take your advice

While it is not wise to share everything you are going through with your co-workers, there is this message board plus there may be a drop-in support group in your community that will help. If, as you say, you cannot stop drinking, that is IMHO this first thing to work on. Down the road meds may help you but they don't mix well with alcohol. If you can believe your situation is solvable, you can prioritize the various things you need to work on. There is no shame in needing professional help; for all you know many people at your high pressure job are in therapy and/or on meds. But I invite you to first consider going to an AA meeting or some other kind of support group for substance abuse issues. I will pray for you. I for one am very impressed by your honesty.

PS: Just as i sent my message, this occurred to me: invite you to ask yourself if your performance is killing you, or if it's the behaviors the performance is hiding that are the real culprits? Everyone "performs" at work, pretending to care about things they don't really care about. Best of luck!!!

Thank you gladdmatt, good point. First of all, the alcohol is killing me literally and yes that would be the first thing to work on. And thank you for your prayers. My honesty in this case, is rare and out of desperation. I spend each day lying to the world. Performing at work comes with the territory, but the issue is I work in the arts, also I perform to my best friends, my family, and take on things while everyone around me throws tantrums. I have always been seen as the strong one. I have this idea that people will not be able to see me the same way or trust me if I tell them I'm sick.

I have noticed this, and I know a few givers Christine. They end up exhausted. - and kind of bitter from the hurt.

There is a thing on the aeroplane safety check where they say 'put your own oxygen mask on first'. I hope that becomes a metaphor for mental health because it's so true. If you aren't looking after you, then nobody is looking after you. They're all busy looking after themselves. They may notice but don't like to interfere in your private business. They may hope you crack from the pressure, and stop overdoing it, but you can't help someone crack from pressure and also help them carry pressure.... it's a tough one.

Just know though that ultimately nobody wants you to go into deficit for them. Nobody wants you to exhaust yourself for them. It's not expected. It's not needed.

What's needed is for you to start babying you. Take care of you. Spend your weekends pampering you. The vacuuming can wait, the gardening can wait. Everything can wait.

I spent a couple of years going to work, doing my work to survive - getting home and doing nothing. but the minimum. The absolute minimum. xx

Thanks so much bridgie, I'm sure you are right that nobody wants me to die for them, they might not even know how I feel. They probably think I want to do what I do for them. I think I have to look at an odd sense of fear of abandonment if I don't take on the world I'm afraid people will leave or not like me if I don't go overboard for them.

Breathe, take a few deep breaths. Don't over think, you are wonderful and everything will be ok. Breathe and than do what needs to be done, shower, love yourself, breathe, everything is OK

Thank you msophie. thank you.

If you are a performer of arts not sure from your post I get it , I am a musician and retired teacher of music . The arts are high risk for medicating bad feelings. For me I go to AA when I can . I don't drink not even just for relaxing on weekends . It doesn't mix with depression at all. It makes it all worse. no easy answer. One step at a time. Old saying is when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will find help . Asking is hard. but a huge start. a step. Best wishes . Keep talking it out.

Thank you rainbowlegacy. Yes I am in the arts. I work an office job but it's about performance, hard to explain. But that's because I grew up as performer. I am used to the idea of creating for other peoples' joy.