I'm in the middle of a major life transition.  I had to choice between two bad choices.  I'm chosing the one that is easiest for me because I am so tired but is the one that will cause me more pain and suffering in the long run.  That grates against me.  The bastards finally won.  I fought them my whole life but I'm so tired now.  There are more of them and they are greedy and evil, capable of horrific things.  They don't play fair and they are relentless.  I don't have any fight left in me.  My body is broken and my mind is distrubed.

I realize that my life is never going to be ok, I'm never going to be ok.  It's just awful to go through life that way.  The only place I really fit in is with animals.  They don't judge or hurt you.  They will never turn on you (or at least very rarely).  I am not capable of friendship with humans.  I complain about not having friends but I'm partly at fault.  I don't trust anyone. I never will.  I have known people for years, decades that have turned on me, stabbed me in the back.  

I'm so tired.  I just give up.  Let life crush me.  I don't care.  I didn't want to wind up on the street but if that happens, well, I don't know.  I think that would be the worst.  I am unable to end my life.  I've tried.  So I'm stuck in this hell.  I have completely let myself down.  I've failed, ultimately, after a life time of trying super hard and working super hard I'm back to square one or worse.  

Life doesn't make any real sense anyway.  Why do I even care.  Smart people know that.  They aren't duped.  It's a battle for survival.  Anything goes.  Life is harder on decent, good, hardworking people.  If you have any sense of fairness or sensitivity in this world it will just make things harder for you.