Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Some of you don't know the details I just wanted to share with you why I am so screwed up I am not sad but I realized that I never posted what fucked me up most. The day my wife died.
Me and my wife were in the living room. I was on the 360 playing halo reach. I was building a map that you could play online with your friends. She was sleeping on the couch. She said sweetie what are you doing? I said I'm just building a map in the forge I showed her what I was doing and because she loved me she showed entrest. She didn't like halo but she pretended. That makes me love her even more. She said sweetie I am going to bed, Would you take that headset off your ears, I might need something and you wouldn't be able to hear me. All hell Holly can I just turn them down. OK sweetie I guess that will be OK but listen for me. I said OK sweetie. I love you Andy. All I said was OK how pathetic is that? Anyway she goes to bed. A couple of hours later I thought I heard something. I said Holly are you OK? I didn't hear anything. I said again sweetie you OK nothing not a sound. I told myself that she was just sleeping. An hour later her sister calls and wants to talk to her. I walk back their My Holly is lifeless. I hung up and dialed 911. I gave her CPR. to no progress.
I don't think I shared this but I may have but couldn't find the post. Their are many people that wonder how I could blame myself. Well this is how.
Just because I didn't want to take off my fucking head set
How fucking childish is that
Am I a sweet person now or a fucking child
I am fucking worthless
I am not suicidal. I will not hurt myself. I just wanted the people who were wondering to know what a peace of shit I am.
And yes it is 4:22am and I am still up, my depression has got the best of me and I will be appoligizeing for this out burst when I wake up.
Me and my wife were in the living room. I was on the 360 playing halo reach. I was building a map that you could play online with your friends. She was sleeping on the couch. She said sweetie what are you doing? I said I'm just building a map in the forge I showed her what I was doing and because she loved me she showed entrest. She didn't like halo but she pretended. That makes me love her even more. She said sweetie I am going to bed, Would you take that headset off your ears, I might need something and you wouldn't be able to hear me. All hell Holly can I just turn them down. OK sweetie I guess that will be OK but listen for me. I said OK sweetie. I love you Andy. All I said was OK how pathetic is that? Anyway she goes to bed. A couple of hours later I thought I heard something. I said Holly are you OK? I didn't hear anything. I said again sweetie you OK nothing not a sound. I told myself that she was just sleeping. An hour later her sister calls and wants to talk to her. I walk back their My Holly is lifeless. I hung up and dialed 911. I gave her CPR. to no progress.
I don't think I shared this but I may have but couldn't find the post. Their are many people that wonder how I could blame myself. Well this is how.
Just because I didn't want to take off my fucking head set
How fucking childish is that
Am I a sweet person now or a fucking child
I am fucking worthless
I am not suicidal. I will not hurt myself. I just wanted the people who were wondering to know what a peace of shit I am.
And yes it is 4:22am and I am still up, my depression has got the best of me and I will be appoligizeing for this out burst when I wake up.
Keep posting here, we want to help any way we can. Big Hugs
Your assumed guilt is not justified ... but something within you wants to assume guilt. I have no idea what that is except to say that you think taking responsibility for her death will bring her back(?). Better yet ... "I am guilty of causing or allowing my wife's death. Now .... I have confessed ... so, pain ..... PLEASE GO AWAY". I am only speculating, of course.
Mistakenly assuming guilt is normal .... TO A POINT .. even though just a little is not justified.
To put it simply, you are in a state of massive grief. One result is the feeling of guilt. It is so severe, ... you need professional help with both issues .... and some time to pass. You need both ... in my opinion.
I agree .. no apologies to us are needed.
You think the selfishness of not taking off your head phones is the reason you did not hear your wife? IDK there guy, I know when decide to play the ps3 I just go whole hog. I play all night,day, I play till my mind goes foggy. The house could be burnning down and I would still play. Well maybe that is a little extravagant the house burning down. The pangs of the stupid shit we as humans have done does from time to time just creep in and as for me I usually mutter the word shit because I just can't believe that I did something like that. I can only imagine that is what you feel.
I know my reply is of non significance and should remain that way as I view what I have done and those memories as my burden to bear. Even though the years fade they visit and I mutter the word and cringe at my stupidity. all I can say is shit happens sometime we do it other times it is done to us......
((((HUGZ))))
(((((((((((( COMFORTING HUGS ))))))))
LMT
For 7 years before my husband died, there were signs something was wrong. The generous loving man I knew him to be slowly disappeared and a monster took his place. He began throwing things at me, stealing from me, lying to me. The day he assaulted me, I even said to the police that something was REALLY WRONG because he was not normally like this....
During the automatic restraining order, I discovered he was poisoning me, and because of that I divorced him. And because I loved him SO MUCH, I packed all the evidence in his things...
There WAS something wrong. As he lay dying in the hospital, a horrible painful death at Thanksgiving this last year, the doctor said the symptoms had been there for the 7 years. Symptoms I SAW. If I had given the evidence to the police, he'd be ALIVE today - ALIVE and receiving treatment. And that knowledge has been eating me up inside...
I'm so sorry... I know it hurts... I know it's devastating... and I know we can't change it....
YESTERDAY, I learned what I need to do. I need to LET GO. Let go of the could haves, the should haves, the would haves... let go of the past, let go of the mistakes, let go of the pain. When you are ready.... let go... It's the only way to move forward. {{HUGS}}
Grief is a roller coaster ride full of emotions...my counselor helped me through it.
I hope you find some peace
J