I might be able to ignore or rewrite the out of place, random suicidal thoughts, but lately I'm having to reign my tongue before, "I plan/want to commit..." pops out like a freudian slip. Maybe I have subconsciously thinking about it, despite my better moods? 

I want to commit suicide...If I don't reign my tongue or my thoughts, It just pops out like that, even though I don't want to. And if I do allow myself to think about it, like I did tonight, I start bawling my eyes out.

I want to commit suicide, because I'm too committed to my family to have any hope of regaining the life I dream about.

I want to commit suicide, because I was told at work that I would be taught some of what this one guy does, and he ended up teaching someone else, who already has a lot on their plate. I want to commit suicide, because my boss's compliments are opposite his actions. I want to commit suicide, because I'm being asked to train someone else on the only wel-defined role at my work - and they haven't included me in anything else going on in the department I'm now in. I feel like they feel that I'm not going to work out, but don't want to scare me off too soon to give any negative feedback. And I've sought it.

I want to commit suicide because the girl who took my old position, who is truthfully a bit slower intellectually than I am, Is feeling threatened by my presence and actively trying to outdo me in being me. I have to correct her when I see the mistakes, which doesn't help. At least one thing I learned from her is to be more assertive - and not afraid to communicate with my boss.

Thanks for listening. Writing it out here at least gets it out into the open.