I am sorry that in four years you have not had moments of beauty, of peace or joy or even relief. That is a long time to be miserable. I hope you have a psychiatrist or therapist that you can confide these feelings with. Perhaps your meds need to be reevaluated.
I just went thru a very dark time, and I am not to the other side really yet, but the change they did in my "cocktail" of meds is making a huge difference.
Also, through my ongoing counseling, I am beginning to realize that depression is like diabetes. You have to work your life plan every day. Does that suck? Yes, some days I am back in the why me stage. Life isn't fair. However, if I stay there, I am no good to myself.
I am hoping every good thing for you and your recovery...

"I am beginning to realize that depression is like diabetes."

Absolutely! I am insulin dependent & have to also manage this daily...there are direct parallels between the two (depression vs diabetes)...it is such a struggle to mange both concurrently! I'm just tired; so very very tired...!

I like that analogy. I too...suffer from both. I have to tell you though that sometimes I feel like this depression takes on a life of it's own...almost as if it is a living entity. In my suicidal moments I do a LOT of self-talk....reminding myself that those feelings have passed before and they will again. I look ahead to things I am looking forward to. And I let those who I know will support me know how i am feeling and hold on for dear life until it passes. And it always does. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing!

Well for what it is worth I am also a suicide survivor and I would have to agree with you on the fact that I was not relieved either.

To this day it goes through my head more than I like to admit. I will tell you from a different perspective though what its like to be on the other side also.

You see my only brother/sibling killed himself on Christmas day 4 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I understand the ideology of suicide and wanting relief from a world you feel like you don't belong in or the struggle to live is to great. I also understand the UN-ENDING damage it dose to those that love you too.

You see my brother was divorced from his wife that decided she was a lesbian and cheated on him and then told everyone he was a drunk and that is why she divorced him, because she was a coward and didn't want anyone to know she was a cheater and preferred the same sex. So the divorce was final for 8 months and I guess my brother could not take it any longer so he did what he did. He left a 7 year old child in the care of that (insert the worst word you can think of) and she took everything she wanted that was my brothers and refused to allow their son any access to his fathers family and still dose today. Well hold on I am getting the real traumatic part here. You see my parents were so distraught and broken hearted that they both died from medical conditions a year later. They were in their early sixty's and should have lived much longer. So now here is my life left with NO family, but me and my two children that no longer have grandparents or an uncle they loved. I have not seen my nephew in 4 years and probably never will until he is old enough to come seek me out. Our (mine and my sons) lives are devastated. We have no family left to enjoy anything with. I have had a royal nightmare dealing with my parents estate alone and trying to fight off my brothers ex gold digging wife. Honestly I hope that bitch BURNS IN HELL! I still don't get to see my nephew or have anything to do with him. Sorry that was my little rant for the day.


So I look at things much differently than I did years ago when I actually tried to kill myself, because I have seen the heartache, trauma, and devastation caused to everyone left behind.

I don't regret my decision to not kill myself. There are other decisions I've made in life that I do regret that I do my best to let them go and seek to make myself a better future . You can't change the past. You can't change your past four years. But you can make a better future for yourself. If you don't already have them please seek out a psychiatrist and therapist. They are tremendously helpful.

I think there's a cognitive difference between those who chose not to kill themselves, and those who tried but failed.

I think we as humans like to back up our own decisions. We like to think we made the right choice. And so we will stack reality up behind the choice we have made, rather than see that we were wrong.

So I would expect people who chose not to kill themselves to be glad they chose not to kill themselves,

and I would expect those who tried and were thwarted, to wish it had succeeded.

And it's all a matter of point of view.