it's a tough thing to learn not to do what you have strong urges to do.

But it's a basic lesson of adulthood. If you can hold off on doing the thing you most desperately want because you know it's a dumb idea, then you will grow larger and be capable of withstanding more. But if you have a hair trigger and your dead man's switch is to go try top yourself, things aren't going to go well.

My mother had some good general life advice long ago. It's general advice but if you use it really intensely and carefully, it'll help you out:

Make sure all parts of yourself are in agreement before you do anything, ever, of any kind:

Ask:

Do I want to?
Do I think this is a good idea?
Is this morally right?

If you come up with a 'no' for anything. Do not do it. Withstand the pressure.

The pressure breaks the pot you're in. Don't let the pot break you. Hold your breath and PUSH against the urge, and it will smash. You need to smash these confines permenantly. And that takes enormous pressure. So withstand it. Make your decision, and stick with it. "I will not die, I will live. tomorrow I may learn how to be happy, I don't know today, so I will wait for tomorrow, when I do know'. Us going off half cocked without waiting to find out the simple answer is the tragic but commonplace cause of suicide. Like that guy who jumped off the empire state building and realised he didn't want to die half way down.

Learn to block yourself, go into lockdown. This creates enormous anxiety but usually won't last more than 3 days. Full on blocking and lockdown will change you. It will change you permanently.

Your urges will break, and die.

also: this will stop you making more errors that make you feel worse. And when you stop making errors, you can turn around and face in the other direction, start moving towards happiness. And then you get a result.

Happiness and death are the opposite ends of the same continuum. And by death I mean suicide.

Walk towards happiness. Put in place plans to get closer to happiness. Just one step at a time. Learn what creates suicidal urges. Learn what makes you smile.

Find those things.

And I'm assuming you're under the care of a psychiatrist and a counsellor. So if you're not, that's a first move.

I am so sorry life is so painful for you; I have felt that way myself numerous times. Now that I made it to retirement age, I am so very, very happy I never did myself in. I still have ups and downs like anyone else, but I have come to realize that being alive each day is a gift. There are better days and better people and better times that await you. Go to the nearest hospital and check yourself in. This urge WILL pass over, and you'll be glad to be alive. I'll pray for you.

I agree that you need to get help right away. There's a suicide hotline you can call. 1-800-suicide.
See a doctor and get on some medication. And make an appointment to see a therapist.