Basically i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years next month and we both have a history of abuse in our families and i have depression and a history of self harm while he is four years sober and has a history of depression and self harm also.

Things have been hard recently we moved into new house months ago and rent allowance still hasnt been sorted admittedly alot of that has to do with me wanting to be on it too and be recognized as an owner of the house. So we been forced to pay 160 a week when we both really dont have the money. Things got worse when summer started and my college grant stopped and i had no money coming in. Fights started to happen but nothing to bad.

Then my boyfriend began to change. He got more aggressive, he stopped going out when hes the most outgoing person, he stopped going to meetings for his sobriety when usually the idea of missing a meeting killed him. I also began to gain self esteem from my councelling and told myself i wouldnt be a push over any more so i think i started fights that didnt need to be fights because i seen it as showing i can stand up for myself. 

Then a week ago my boyfriend surprised me out of no where and said that he doesn't want a relationship anymore with anyone he needs to be alone. I begged for two more weeks so i can sort myself together and he surprised me and said he wants to try again and change things.

In that week i tried everything to change things, i encouraged him to leave as much as possible, sold my xbox so he didnt have to worry about paying my dads father's day gift, even told him ill sell my books which have long since been the only thing to help my anxiety so he can go on a holiday with friends. Things got better and i began to be hopeful.

Then last night he came to me again and said he just doesn't want a relationship he knows that and if a relationship is anything like ours he never wants one. He blamed the relationship for putting him into a headspace where he gave up meetings, and goin out. Blamed it for the reason he is glorizing the days he took drugs. He blamed me for not making it easy on him, blamed me for screwing up his payment if i go on socual welfare. Blamed me for not just going back to my parents house and taunted me the one time i lost ny temper and told him i woudnt make it easy on him if he was hurtingg me like that.I tried to tell him i think he was depressed but he wouldnt accept it and just spoke about how he doesn't want to be depressed.

I begged for one more week to get a plan together, and so i can no i tried everything at the end of that week, he reluctantly gave it. Ill admit at the end of the week i do hold out hope it might be better but another part of me knows thats stupid.

I cant return to my parents house theres a history of emotional abuse there and though its got a lot better since i moved out i cant even go back for a visit without going back to every feeling i used to have while i lived there. I know ill just go back to that little girl if it comes to that. I cant do anything that may make it so he has to move back to his parents house also as i no because of the abuse he faced there that his sobriety will be basically gone.

I dont know what to do ive been told if i give up college to get on social welfare i may not even get social welfare. And is this city even home to me if i dont have him he made it home and without him and possibly college i have nothing tying me here. I have one really good friend who goes out of his way to help me here but we havent talked since college ended and i cant speak to him about this i cant speak to him my parents or my councellor about this ive tried the words just kinda get stuck i just cant admit how not good enough i am to them. Its why i came here. 

I relapsed last night and cut again and now my boyfriends gone to a long planned visit to his parents for the night i feel scared what i may do im so confused and i keep having these suicidal thoughts enter my head i feel like i need to rip my skin off to get air to breathe again.

Please help if not for advice id just really like someone to talk to.