I'm really struggling. This is a total vent to try and understand myself.... advice not needed but always appreciated. (Seriously though... I think this is going to be longwinded)

Its not so much that I want to die... more the inability to see the point of going on. 

I'm 29, suffered from depression since I was young. I tried to 'adult' when I was 23, I bought a house with my ex partner and that fell apart a year later. I decided to travel, I am glad I did. But travelling leaves very little opportunity for love and commitment. So now I am ending my travels to go back home and find my place. I want to go back to college, start a real life for myself. Thats the happy bit.

I have herpes, I got it whilst I've been travelling from some dude I didn't realise had a coldsore. I have always practiced safe sex and I got taken out by a coldsore. So, now in order for me to find anything real I have to say "so sorry to let you know, but before I can do anything, there is a good chance that eventually I will pass this evil crap onto you... hope thats all good". 

I suffer from SAD... the winter in England is just awful for me, but thats where I have to be. But for the first time since travelling.... it is where I want to be, so I have to find some form of solution for this. I have been a total nomad for 4 years, haven't owned any more than I can get in a suitcase, haven't had a relationship that I haven't known the expiry of, haven't gotten close enough to anyone to be able to confide in them. I'm alone. I'm not the person I want to be. Not even close. I just don't see the point. I am constantly feeling like I don't have a place in the world, that my life will never get better. Money is contantly and issue... and when it isn't I just end up hating where I am. 

I have had many kicks in the teeth just recently... my card and most of my money got stolen, my friends who I really came to Australia to see seem to want nothing to do with me (they have their own stuff going on), my cousin who I am staying with is very preoccupied and seems to not want to spend much time with me, and the guy I met a year ago is back in my life and I have to leave again... this time for good. For all of the things that I am upset about I blame myself and all of my life choices completely. There are many things I could have done so much better or completely differently. For example.... If I wasn't a bordering alcoholic then I wouldn't have lost my card or gotten herpes. If I wasn't so self involved then maybe my friends and my cousin would make more of an effort. If I had taken the opportinity for sponsorship then I would be able to stay in Australia and I wouldn't have to go back to England and there would actually be a chance with the only guy I've been close to in 4 years. If I had just been more decisive through my life and not been so much about instant gratification, I could have been so much better. I hate myself for becoming so much less than I could have been. 

I have always blamed others for my behaviour. Don't get me wrong... I have never done anything to purposely hurt another, it has always just been a lack of thinking. I am massively empathetic. So much so that even if I don't want to do something I will so that I don't make the other person feel bad. Which is obviously not great in the long term of things. 

I blamed my parents for a long time. They "stayed together for the kids" which meant I got 16 years of witnessing and being brought in the middle of the most destructive and sometimes violent relationship, divorce was the best thing to happen to them. From that, I picked up some very shitty traits... such as the ability to cheat, lie and basically fuck up every good thing I could have had. Again... not because I wanted to hurt anyone, but... just because.

I was sexually abused when I was very young and then raped when I was 16. I blamed that on my inability to not be a slut (I hate that word... but It's because it describes me). All I have ever wanted is to love and be loved completely... but I want it too easily and leave myself too vulnerable. Or maybe I am just a sex addict with an alcohol problem. 

Which leads me to my mother. She has been an alcoholic for years. Won't admit it... even when she has been violent. I am terrified of becoming that women. I love her very much... she is kind and giving and will do anything for her kids. Except the alcohol. But I have her bad traits. In my past relationships I have been jealous, insecure and what some people would describe as a psycho. I am so scared of being with anyone again seriously because I wasn't the person I should have been or I ever want to be again. 

Basically, what it all comes down to is that I am just so tired of myself... I am tired of not being able to be the person I want to be. My bloody hormones and sparadicness (not sure if thats a word) and laziness gets in my way constantly. I am sure I am no good for anyone. And if I was then probably I just wouldn't trust them. 

When it comes down to it... I don't see the point of going on because I don't to spend the rest of a long life alone. I am terrified of being hurt so I don't give things a chance anymore. I don't belive I put much good into the universe. For the people who know me I am a very positive and giving person (no-one has ever told me otherwise) but I don't like myself. I am constantly angry (although I am very good at hiding all of that) and completely afraid of opening up. I actually hope no-one has read this as it holds a lot of my secrets.... but to those of you who have, thank you for taking that time. The things I have put in this I cant tell anyone I know. Some people know little bits, no-one knows me. 

I just want the feeling of worthlessness to go away