yes I think its pretty normal to have ups and downs and hi's and lo's while recovering/going to therapy. I still have thoughts of death being the only real answer to alot of my suffereing with depression and all the stuff I went thru growin up that brought it on.
now, that im better its just easier to redirect my thoughts to something else when i start catching myself thinking/feeling that way now.
Welcome to DS :) You will find lots of love and acceptance here!

do not give up it's always a battle, some times will be worse but its important to keep the fight up and not give into the depression i k now how u feel and i have those feelings too just know i am thinking of you and i hope this will pass for you hugs to you

Hi there,

Your post was a little confusing to me. You say you're feeling better from dissociation/anxiety, yet you just started having a depression? Could you give us more specific information on that?

The link between early improvement from depression and suicide is complex. One possibility is that certain antidepressants can cause anxiety or violent impulses on some people or otherwise worsen depression so people may feel better in that they have more energy, but also feel worse in other ways.

Another possibility is that, as people feel better over a period of several weeks when on an antidepressant, at the beginning they may have more energy but still be in a low mood. Paradoxically, this increased energy may allow themto act on suicidal thoughts. When they had so little energy that they couldn't even get out of bed, they just didn't have the initiative and stamina to carry on a suicide plan.

And of course, while people recover it is never an upward road. More like an upward spiral. Relapses and setbacks are a normal part of the recovery process.

Some people are very sensitive to interpersonal conflict as well. For them, perceived rejection from someone they care for can affect their mood dramatically, even triggering suicidal impulses when they were already more stable in their moods.

Hope this helps. Love,

yea that's it
the meds give you more energy so you can get out of bed to go kill yourself!
is this the way you are feeling hereafter?

Lord knows what can trigger the thoughts. I think it depends on the person. Could be a negative circumstance. Med changes...heck even maybe something you've eaten that interacts with your chemistry like an allergic reaction. My Pdoc told me it is always an impulsive act when done. I don't necessarily agree because I seem to want to plan mine out but then I haven't ever gone through with it so at the critical point maybe it is a snap decision. That is why it is important to recognize how serious the thoughts are getting into the actual planning stage and realize you need help before you get that deep. My prayers to you and if you research and find interesting info on the subject, please share it with us here.

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to share your insights. I got in to see my therapist yesterday, and he too shared that sometimes a person with depression finally gets energy, and the energy tragically leads to suicide.

I think in my case, I have dissociated from my feelings and from the realities of my life (it stems from some childhood abuse). So I've had more anxiety than depression. But now that I'm getting "present."..I'm feeling the sadness that I've been bottling up, and it's too much to bear. It's like passing a kidney stone. So I think that's why after all this time in recovery, I NOW am getting these suicidal thoughts so seriously. But like many of you shared, it can pass. I guess I just need to get through this period of getting used to the sadness and the grief of a life I could have led. One would say this is a sign of getting better...but it sure doesn't feel like it. :-)

Thanks again for all your support!

Hi hereandnow5,

Thanks for clarifying that. There is healing in experiencing and expressing repressed emotions. When we don't allow ourselves to experience sadness, grief, anger and other negative emotions, we often manifest the pain in ways that are more painful and self-destructive in the long term.

It's always better to face the pain temporarily and get over with it than to prolong it indefinetely.

I have a good friend who has a similar experience. She went through a lot of trauma as a child. She would disociate and many things she does not even remember. Yet she had flashbacks, nightmares and memories that would come back in therapy or when she was exposed to certain triggers.

When she went to therapy, it was very painful. She remembered things, experienced the anguish and the sadness deeply. But after that she felt better. She's still working on herself, but processing the pain and experiencing the emotions she had buried helped her open up her heart to experience true intimacy in her relationships. It's as if by allowing yourself to experience negative emotion you also get in touch with other emotions that are more positive like trust, intimacy, etc. You learn that it is safe to be open and vulnerable in front of others and that openness is necessary for true emotional intimacy and connection with others.

I think it is natural to think about suicide as you experience so much pain and sadness. You realized how awful things really were and you wish this was not your life and you think of ending the life that you despise.

However, part of healing is understanding that you are not powerless over your life. The people that abused you cannot control your future. You write the script. You can throw away the pages you despise, without having to throw the book. You can staet again on a blank page: a new chapter written by you.

While the suicidal thoughts are natural, do call your therapist or a crisis line if the thoughts become impulses and plans. You're a valuable person who has a lot to give to this world and we want you here!

Love,

Thanks mcb00 for the insights - you have spoken to my experiences - it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. Luckily the feelings have been subsiding, partly because the work week has begun and I'm busy with that, and partly because I'm sure such thoughts have a way of subsiding on occasion.

Thanks again to everyone for your comments!