Honestly i cant imagine growing old and falling in love and being happy. i just cant. i need to just escape this all..

I understand and I feel like that too I constantly feel like that but I remain grasping on to some hope that things will do better or that I can do better and I believe you can too maybe there is something you can do to give yourself some purpose the first thing is to try and figure it out and don't give up so quickly

I have been there! The MOST important thing you need to learn it to NOT compare yourself to someone else. I know this is hard. I catch myself doing it still at times. I don't have much interest in leaving my apartment and doing crafting which I love. I am 30 and I have come a long way when I look back at where I started. I will tell you that I am having a setback right now which happens. I am here to listen if you need someone to talk to.

Darling you have a classic anxiety disorder. I put up with this for a year... no. Longer. two years. Before I found out what it was.

it's anxiety.

Go to the doctor, they give you a pill, you stop feeling this way. You relax. You feel... not jumpy. Not strung out.

Get a counsellor if you need to talk.

Take the pill for a couple of years, and then slowly, (SLOWLY) wean off it. If you pull away carefully enough you stay standing up and don't topple. :D If you topple, go back up to the last dose and sit there till you're stronger. Then pull the dose down again.

you don't need to die. You don't need to do anything cray cray. That jumpy desperation is a known thing, anxiety, and it is something you can fix, or if not totally disappear, certainly bring down to levels the same as anyone else's. Or close.

Knowing what's wrong is half the battle. :) You can do it.

I can absolutely relate to this. That feeling of frustration and despair, feeling trapped and like there is no way out. I get it. I get this complete scrabbling despair over it...a deep deep desperation that you can't explain with words, at least not in a way that does it any justice. It's so hard to see past that, to see through to a place beyond it, because you feel like it doesn't exist.

I think for me, you have to some how compartmentalise things a bit. It's easy to run away with thoughts, to get overwhelmed by situations and scenarios. There are things in life you just can't control. Focus on things you can control....how you think and how you act. I know, not that fucking simple is it...well...it is true though. You can't control other people or how they feel or think or act, but you can control how you react to that. You can't always control depression, but you can change how you react to it. I'm not saying it's easy, or that I've got it figured out, but it is possible.

I was very tempted to say "choose life" then, but resisted the urge....

Be safe. X

Im waiting to be put in a hospital bed at the moment. They are secrioning me to punish me. Killing myself isnt illegal so why are they punishing me. I keep trying to leave thye wont let me
Thank you all for replying and help

I can relate to your pain. And there are several really great responses to your posts.....others who can relate for sure.
Depression, anxiety....self hatred, boredom, self-destructive behavior, disconnectedness, anger, frustration, humiliation, feeling like a burden,feeling like you messed up your chance to "do life right."

....That's me. I don't know where things went so wrong for me - where I got off course......but I'm here now. I can relate to your torment. I understand how exhausting it is! But wait it out!

Two things. Three, actually. First, I'm new on here, and I'm not even ready to open up 100% about my darkest, ugliest pains: I really respect and admire you for having the courage to post something so raw and honest:)
Second: I suppose everyone might have a suicidal thought once in a great while.....but when it becomes a comforting thought that one returns to over and over, and one begins to drift away from and let go of things/people/activities of life that previously brought joy.....then there is a more worrying and serious component. I have had my own bouts with suicidal thoughts (and even actions)....that grew directly from my depression at times. However, I also experienced a terrifying brush with suicide several times when prescribed certain meds: Singulair and Chantix. Many meds claim a side effect of "suicidal thoughts or behaviors," but until it happened to me, I didn't quite believe it. In both cases, it took several doses to take effect, and when I made the connection (I.e.: I was glum before, but since starting this stuff, I'm in emotional anguish...and now I'm actually fantasizing and planningbdetails of a final, permanent escape...")....I stopped taking it, and felt a mood improvement within 24 hrs. Years later, I was prescribed the meds again...and told to proceed with caution....andbeachbtime, the suicidal tendencies came on much faster and with more severity....until after one disastrous day, I realized I had to stop taking the med, and NEVER touch it again. Even some antidepressants can have this effect, and itbseemsbto affect teens and 20 somethings the most. If you're on any meds, it's worth looking into-On the other hand, there are so many different depression meds that there is probably something out there that could help take that extreme edge off. I take Wellbutrin and Celexa now....and while I wouldn't say I'm a ball of joy, the combo helps me deal with emotions more objectively...so that my entire identity and self worth is not sucked into and endangered by every crisis, however big or small. I felt an improvement in the first 8 hours.....and similarly, can feel my depression and anxiety creeping back when I miss a dose. So...I do believe in medication to help make navigating depression and anxiety more tolerable....as long as it's compatible with your chemical make-up.
Third and last: I'm not going to ramble on with a bunch of other examples, but as cliche as this sounds, just hang on!! Things WILL get better. Everything in life and the universe goes through cycles.....if things were always awful, we would have no point of reference from which to recognize them as such. At some point, you WILL experience a happy, hopeful moment, no matter how brief. I used to just react automatically to my feelings of distress, but slowly forced myself to remember that my funks won't last forever. I don't know how, but I gradually learned not to panic in my darkest moments....but sort of embrace them and sit them out....and at the very least, the sense of desperation and urgency eventually passes. For most people, there is a solution for managing depression and suicidal feelings. Don't give up! Take things one moment at a time, and just know that each minute you get through, you are that much closer to a brighter day. Xoxo You're taking a big, important step - perhaps most important of all - in caring enough about yourself to post on here in the first place...seeking to understand your feelings. That is the hardest step of all, and you've already taken it:)

They're not sectioning you to punish you, your mind is distorted. When it comes back to itself you'll thank them for not letting you end it all.

I would imagine everyone here has been severely suicidal at some point, probably more than one point. Probably many points. It's something your mind does when it can't think of anything else. You clearly have paranoia too, and that can leave a person thinking that killing themselves is the only way to keep themselves 'safe'. - which is really ludicrous when you actually pull that to bits.

But it's how you can end up feeling.

You're on a weird, weird and fascinating journey. Relax, lean back, find out where it will take you. This is life, this is the world. Different from what we expect, but interesting. Find out everything you can about it, and then one day maybe you can help other people with it.

Unfortunately, I relate. Sometimes, life drags us to our lowest before we can be good again. Life is such an amazing, incredible journey. I hope no one said anything to you to make you feel this way. No one deserves this. If anyone needs to talk, please message me. I'm always here.

Yes I do feel suicidal that's why I google this support group because I have been on anti depressants and tried to take too many pills before. I want to redo my life as I've ruined my life due to my mental illness I can never deal with things that come up for me at work or in relationships. I think because I was molested as a preteen it lead to me being raped later on in my 20s then surviving a domestic abusive relationship and also being assaulted by 3 drunk men has made me crazy beyond what I can handled. I've lot the urge to play sports like I used to and I Dont paint anymore it all comes down to money and I Dont make much because of my mental instability. At this point my life aint going right and I feel im a burden on my mom and embarrassing. I Dont know what I want to do with my life right now im truly lost. And I feel its too late for me now.

"everyone is so happy and moving on with their life." Comparisons are painful. I do this all the time. And i lose every time. It pains me to see the cheerfulness in other human beings. Why can't I be like that? Where did it go? I'm trapped too Shaunie. Youre not alone.