Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
My life has been a series of ups and downs, there have been more downs than I ever would have liked. My family is utterly dysfunctional and without hope. The relationship is over. Not only that, I don't think that there is any relationships with the distant relatives back East. I have flown back there several times, but one day my one cousin with whom I was trying to build a relationship with suddenly deleted me off of facebook because she did not like one of my posts. Plus I've called one of my cousins to go back and visit over the summer, but her voice sounded funny and she was hemming and hawing. I never talk to them. It's like radio silence and the air is pulled out of the room so to speak.
I don't know why I am rambling on all of this. I have no family. I was going to possibly enroll in a grief group, but it felt like there were going to be a lot of people in there grieving about death, which is different all on its own. I am not ready to be in that energy.
So finally to the point. The friends that have been like family to me, the people who for the last several years have been the only ones to call or invite me anywhere. Weeks would go by and they would be the only to ring...I thought they were the place I could always go to. Well, to make a really long story short, they butt dialed me on Sunday and I heard an entire argument about me. She was screaming at him saying why did you invite her over and he was yelling back, defending it as I have gone over there occasionally on Sundays for years and years...
It's like my entire world collapsed in a second. I've had a hell of a lot of trouble fighting depression all these years for the constant loss and disappointment, one job after the other and relationships going up in flames left and right, only to find out that this one is probably a sham. The people who I thought were in my corner...are not. I wonder how long it's been she or even he has been tolerating me and just sort of putting up with having me around.
I wonder if it's sometimes karma as years back I exploded at my brother in front of my parents at Christmas. I had had more than enough of his abuse, physical and otherwise, and he started screaming at me about why was I treating him this way, to which I exploded and told him I'd been tolerating him all this time, the truth, I could hardly stand it anymore, and he was crying and falling all apart. But the reality is that he is a severe bully and I really went over the edge as I was tired of his putting his hands on me.
Yeah, I am running on. None of this is resolved for me. I could not afford the grief group even thought the instructor said he would work with me on money. There is only one person in the class so that dynamic would not work out with me. And really, I am doing individual counseling and group therapy, which I feel like is doing the grief work in and of itself. I think it might be overkill to work with my coach and do the grief thing too.
I still can't believe it.
It's like my whole life is one big rejection parade, it seems like 100's of times. Only now, since I've been doing work on myself, and am creating a new life, is some of this abating, but this was just too much.
I have a day off, and have not gotten my ass out of bed. I have no physical energy. I'm back in that depression hole again, after really getting out of it. I should go to my groups, I am so tired though. My relationship failure rate is absolutely amazing, even I marvel at it.
I have to get out of bed. There are things I need and want to do, and a friend is waiting for me. They are not going to want to get together with someone who is stuck in her crap. How do I resolve all of this? My co worker says my life is a run-on sentence with no resolve.
I don't know why I am rambling on all of this. I have no family. I was going to possibly enroll in a grief group, but it felt like there were going to be a lot of people in there grieving about death, which is different all on its own. I am not ready to be in that energy.
So finally to the point. The friends that have been like family to me, the people who for the last several years have been the only ones to call or invite me anywhere. Weeks would go by and they would be the only to ring...I thought they were the place I could always go to. Well, to make a really long story short, they butt dialed me on Sunday and I heard an entire argument about me. She was screaming at him saying why did you invite her over and he was yelling back, defending it as I have gone over there occasionally on Sundays for years and years...
It's like my entire world collapsed in a second. I've had a hell of a lot of trouble fighting depression all these years for the constant loss and disappointment, one job after the other and relationships going up in flames left and right, only to find out that this one is probably a sham. The people who I thought were in my corner...are not. I wonder how long it's been she or even he has been tolerating me and just sort of putting up with having me around.
I wonder if it's sometimes karma as years back I exploded at my brother in front of my parents at Christmas. I had had more than enough of his abuse, physical and otherwise, and he started screaming at me about why was I treating him this way, to which I exploded and told him I'd been tolerating him all this time, the truth, I could hardly stand it anymore, and he was crying and falling all apart. But the reality is that he is a severe bully and I really went over the edge as I was tired of his putting his hands on me.
Yeah, I am running on. None of this is resolved for me. I could not afford the grief group even thought the instructor said he would work with me on money. There is only one person in the class so that dynamic would not work out with me. And really, I am doing individual counseling and group therapy, which I feel like is doing the grief work in and of itself. I think it might be overkill to work with my coach and do the grief thing too.
I still can't believe it.
It's like my whole life is one big rejection parade, it seems like 100's of times. Only now, since I've been doing work on myself, and am creating a new life, is some of this abating, but this was just too much.
I have a day off, and have not gotten my ass out of bed. I have no physical energy. I'm back in that depression hole again, after really getting out of it. I should go to my groups, I am so tired though. My relationship failure rate is absolutely amazing, even I marvel at it.
I have to get out of bed. There are things I need and want to do, and a friend is waiting for me. They are not going to want to get together with someone who is stuck in her crap. How do I resolve all of this? My co worker says my life is a run-on sentence with no resolve.
>>She was screaming at him saying why did you invite her over and he was yelling back, defending it as I have gone over there occasionally on Sundays for years and years...
>>I've had a hell of a lot of trouble fighting depression all these years for the constant loss and disappointment, one job after the other and relationships going up in flames left and right, only to find out that this one is probably a sham. The people who I thought were in my corner...are not. I wonder how long it's been she or even he has been tolerating me and just sort of putting up with having me around.
>>I wonder if it's sometimes karma as years back I exploded at my brother in front of my parents at Christmas. I had had more than enough of his abuse, physical and otherwise, and he started screaming at me about why was I treating him this way, to which I exploded and told him I'd been tolerating him all this time, the truth, I could hardly stand it anymore, and he was crying and falling all apart. But the reality is that he is a severe bully and I really went over the edge as I was tired of his putting his hands on me.
>>Only now, since I've been doing work on myself, and am creating a new life, is some of this abating, but this was just too much.
>>I have a day off, and have not gotten my ass out of bed. I have no physical energy. I'm back in that depression hole again, after really getting out of it. I should go to my groups, I am so tired though. My relationship failure rate is absolutely amazing, even I marvel at it.
>>I have to get out of bed. There are things I need and want to do, and a friend is waiting for me. They are not going to want to get together with someone who is stuck in her crap. How do I resolve all of this? My co worker says my life is a run-on sentence with no resolve.
I have the key points in your post IMHO.
Basically, it seems you are floundering in the sea of life. You are not in control of much of it. Your answers are going to come from YOURSELF ... so read what I have referenced, and decide what to do about friends/family. You state it is just about all a train wreck. Most people involved in a train wreck get the hell away from it. You are pretty emphatic that friends and family are 'over'. If that is your answer to yourself, ... you are convinced ... then dismiss them ... they offer you nothing.
You have been fighting depression and 'all this' for years. Time for some changes. I say turn FROM these family/friends ... it is worn out and not working. That will take away a lot of pain and anxiety.
You say you are working on yourself .. and making some progress. That is the best part of your post. Take those POSITIVE aspects and make them top priority. Bound out of bed .. looking forward to a new and GOOD day. Make new friends. Make your days good days. Put this misery and history behind you.
You need to get on a STRINGENT self esteem, self confidence, anger management, positive thinking treatment program. You need to shed the negative, and live for the positive.
I think you can do it. The HISTORY is dragging you down. The PRESENT looks pretty good ... it is when you look backward that the negatives arise.
I have a mother, and I love her beyond anything, but she has no friends.
There's a reason why she has no friends.
It's her. It's her - it's not them. She is doing something she doesn't know she is doing.
1. relationships go up and down, and up and down. People who throw away relationships when they hit a bad patch end up with no friends. People who say 'I won't tolerate this' have no friends.
This is because everybody, including you, is a fuckup at some time in their life. And what goes wrong is when your screwups bang into their screwups and the thing explodes... This is not the end of the relationship.
This is the beginning of the relationship. If you throw relationships away at this point, you are throwing them away at the beginning, not the end. When everyone's telling the truth and being real is the starting point for an actual truth-based relationship.
2. Ask yourself with your brother, did your exposure come as a surprise to him? Why do you think that was? Had you ever told him how he was making you feel? Or had you endured in silence for decades, so that he was largely unaware of what he was doing? did you say to yourself 'if he cared, he'd know and he'd stop?
This is how you wreck relationships. Expecting people to know how you feel. Not telling them. Burying it, becoming screwed up, they don't know why. It never occurs to them that this thing they do to you, probably done without thought or at least without reflection, is a huge cause of misery for you. You have the job of telling people the truth in relationships. And then hanging around after the fallout to sweep up the ashes and start finally on level ground.
If there were only one person in your life and you had troubles, I'd say something different: but this is all your relationships. you're handling them all the same way. you are not active, you are passive. Thoroughly passive until you explode and leave. At no point do you seem to become an active player in the game.
3. This couple.
Forget it. Do you have proof they were talking about you? Proof?
You didn't hear this conversation. They never pocket dialled.
but now you're ahead of the game. You can look around you next time you go over, and see what you are doing that's stressing the wife out - or what he's doing, that's stressing the wife out. You can start to perform some experiments. Investigate.
I recommend reading "Bliss" by Peter Carey. It's australian, don't get it confused for the american book which is nothing like it.
In bliss the protagonist is taken to hospital for a heart attack, and when he comes out sees parts of reality he really doesn't like that he has never seen, and comes to the conclusion that he has actually died in the hospital; and that he is now in hell.
Read it. You need a new door in the wall. You need to get past this wall and into a new and happier life. You will need to resolve your relationships with your family in a healthier way, too.
There you go. Sisterly advice. Never likely to go down well, but maybe it will help.
I have a coach and she does have me on a stringent program like this. I am just bewailing my circumstance at the moment, mostly a need to vent. But I think working with her has produced a lot of the positive changes that I have come into. I am fortunate. And I agree focusing on what has gone wrong is pretty counterproductive. I think I'm just in it right now.
orion