Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I am in the midst of a most unusual depression. I've been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. I mean, I KNOW depression and how it usually affects me.
But this one is soooooo wierd. I'm able to go to work (though that's about all I can do). I put on a pretty decent game face. I'm able to pass as functional. But I am thinking constantly about dying. I've been carrying sleeping pills with me in my purse every day. I've been scouting out buildings to jump from.
I've never had this experience. In the past when I've been suicidal, I've been laid so low that I couldn't go to work, couldn't pretend, couldn't wear the mask. But now I'm just "on".
I can't afford to go inpatient because I've already missed a lot of work this year with a physical illness. But I feel a desperate need for some kind of intervention. I feel like I just don't know what I'll do. Dying feels like such relief to me. When I think about taking it off the table as option (as part of a safety agreement or as I think about other options) I am filled with anxiety. It seems like such a perfect solution (except that I don't know what I beleive about the afterlife...that's messing with me).
I know all the stuff I need to do. I've increased therapy, changed/increased meds, notified my support system....
I don't know. It's just so wierd to me that I am so capable of getting to work but I'm still thinking about dying. What should I make of this?
But this one is soooooo wierd. I'm able to go to work (though that's about all I can do). I put on a pretty decent game face. I'm able to pass as functional. But I am thinking constantly about dying. I've been carrying sleeping pills with me in my purse every day. I've been scouting out buildings to jump from.
I've never had this experience. In the past when I've been suicidal, I've been laid so low that I couldn't go to work, couldn't pretend, couldn't wear the mask. But now I'm just "on".
I can't afford to go inpatient because I've already missed a lot of work this year with a physical illness. But I feel a desperate need for some kind of intervention. I feel like I just don't know what I'll do. Dying feels like such relief to me. When I think about taking it off the table as option (as part of a safety agreement or as I think about other options) I am filled with anxiety. It seems like such a perfect solution (except that I don't know what I beleive about the afterlife...that's messing with me).
I know all the stuff I need to do. I've increased therapy, changed/increased meds, notified my support system....
I don't know. It's just so wierd to me that I am so capable of getting to work but I'm still thinking about dying. What should I make of this?
For me, there are times when thinking suicide through actually helps, mostly because I don't want to have my family to deal with it, and because I know that the feelings pass.
But if it keeps getting harder and harder to drive those thoughts away, then you might want to leave the pills at home, and avoid buildings that look too inviting.
Gentle hugs