Okay I know it will seem like I am screaming for attention, and in some small ways I am. You can read my journal entry of the 15th if you want the whole story. Basically last year I was diagnoised with depression and even hospitilized for suicide. Now in Texas I have not been able to get health insurance, so I have been off my meds for six months. I have had some rough patches, and then things seem to get better. Monday we sent the one boy I help raise off to Church Camp even though he didn't want to. The youth pastor invited me up last night. When I got there he acted like did not want me, but said to check with the camp office to see if any motel rooms were avaible. One was. Then his wife complained to me at dinner at how they did not want parents up there, blah blah. Then after that the youth pastor and a youth leader pulled me aside and we talked, and it seemed we understood each other. Then at worship they, plus the wife and church pastor pulled me aside and said I told the camp i was the gurdain and that I wanted the boys to stay in the motel with me, both false. When they called over the radio they said sponsor, I said family member. I asked if the boys were allowed in the motel, they said no and nothing more was said. They told me to leave or they would call the sheriff. I wasn't even able to say goodbye the boys, neither of whom wanted to stay.
I did not get alot of sleep last night. On top of that my landlord is being a bitch, the family is fighting and I can't take it anymore. I am so tired of fighting. I thought I would be ok, but I have a large hunting knife in my kitchen and...it looked tempting last night. The only reason I don't consider it more is because of the boys. I don't want to get back on meds because of money and what it might look like. But what is it going to look like to the boys if I do snap and have to be hospitlized....or buried. I feel like i can't take it anymore, and now that the church is against me, I don't know where to turn. I hurt, I hurt so damn bad.