Well its the start of a great weekend - my Nephew (RJ) Who is 1 and a half- decided he would take a permanent marker and draw black dots on his face and hands- so thankfully- if this happens to anyone else- it comes off with babywipes- i didn't know this and i was totally freaking out! i'm listening to music as usual... i think right now my song is "Lonely too Long" by Patty Loveless.... i have it on repeat and i should be cleaning this house soon- i am hoping that by gettting rid of the clutter in the house- it will help me think more clearly about the clutter in my life- i know i say this all the time- but i really need a life makeover ! i still am not understanding the concept of being with someone and feeling all alone- i just don't get it- i'm so lonely and alone - that if i was with someone i think i'd just be overjoyed that i had someone to talk to..... i am shielding myself from getting hurt again... this was the dreaded 4th week- the longest i've ever gone without talking to Matt and its really getting to me- i feel lost and alone and i want that feeling to go away-the week started out bad- but right now i am feeling loved by all my friends ... i want the other type of love in my life too- i'm not good at being alone- i haven't been alone in years! and its so hard to face this.... everyone keeps telling me that i'll make a great wife and i'm a good woman- well if this is so true- then why do i sit here staring out my window daydreaming about someone loving me - thinking about me- and wanting to be with me- no man has ever returned the feelings i've had for him- well ok one- but god called him to heaven- and so i am left on this earth alone- my better half is looking over my shoulder instead of standing my by side.... that really hurts- but i am looking for my sprinkles- i thought that was a cute / unique way to put it out there that i'm searching for the love of my life and if i find him- thats great if not- i know that atleast i had one- but no it is certainly not better to have loved and lost- i want to love and keep ! i feel like i'm asking for an impossible dream- when all i really want is someone to hug me and be there for me through good times and bad- make me laugh when i'm mad and someone to hold me when i'm sad and need to cry which is a lot lately- and someone i can be devoted to and give all my love- i want to look in someone's eyes and say- I love you and mean it ! is that so much to ask? i guess for me it is- i am surrounded by people who are happy and getting married- having kids and starting new lives- and dang it all i wanna be one of em too!
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