I erased all my social media because I was sick of trying to be the person on social media everyone wants to be; the person who seems to have everything put together in life. I was so worried about the amount of followers I had not as much as the amount of likes I got on each photo. As if the amount of followers you have ornlikes you get on each post defines who you are. I was also getting tired of seeing all my friends and peers around me already so successful in their lives. I’m nearly 20 and one of the very few people in my friend group who has a boyfriend or is engaged already. I’m still a baby, so I shouldn’t worry too much about that yet, but I live in a super LDS (Mormon) state so there is a lot of pressure to already have a significant other or be engaged.  I took a break from the university I attend, and now I don’t know what I’m going to study. I know what my mom wants me to study, but I don’t want to study that field because she wants me to and would take the credit for being right that I originally wanted to go into that career. It is something I’ve been wanting to study, but had originally been in a different major, but she told me to not be in that major because it’s not a good field for me. I want to stick with the original major just because she said that. It’s my life not hers, and that makes me mad that she’s telling me what I should do for the rest of my life. She’s only happy when I tell her that I’m doing everything she wants me to do. I’m no parent, but that’s not how to be a kind, loving, supportive parent. The school thing is very stressful. 

I wake up everyday and go to work. I have a very boring job that works perfectly with my schooling and pays well, but it makes me very depressed sometimes. After I get off from work, I go to my cold apartment bedroom, and often cry while listening to my music in the pitch dark. Then repeat this almost every day. 

I grew up very religiously, but now my family doesn’t practice religion very much anymore. This has been hard as it’s something I’ve needed in my life especially the past few years as they’ve been some very critical years so far in my life. It’s hard when I feel all alone but am often told there is someone always listening to my prayers if I’m willing to pray and open my heart to be able to listen back. I pray and have great things happen to me, but I pray other times and nothing happens or things seem to have gotten worse. Sure, you could say god has better timing for me or god has answered my prayers, or it could just be coincidental. I’m not shutting out the idea of a god, but I don’t know for myself, and that’s so hard. All my friends tell me their stories about how much god has helped them and how much love they have for god and because I don’t have the same experiences or feelings, I feel like I am sinning. I feel like I am sinning if I look into other religions as I’ve been told my religion is the correct and only correct religion and church to belong to so it’s scary thinking about even attending or looking into other religions. 

My parents divorced only a few months ago, and that’s been hard for my entire family as there are still little kids at home. The entire year of 2018 I had multiple friends and extended family members pass away. More than one of these passings was caused due to a friend taking their own life. For years, I have thought out and planned on how I would take my own life, and I won’t lie, I’ve told people I don’t want to live before, because it’s true. As twisted as this may seem, I feel as if I get them comfortable to hearing me speak this way of myself, that when I become brave enough, it will be less hard. 

How ive seen taking my own life, I have nothing to live for; we all die anyway. I might not ever graduate college and I’m probably wasting my time. I am too big and ugly for anyone to want to Mary me, so I won’t ever get married. I don’t even know if that’s what I want, but I don’t like being alone. Won’t ever have kids. I really hate myself. I wish I would lose weight. I wish I would dress nicer and wear makeup. I wish I could afford it. I really wish I wasn’t living, because I’m scared of the future that I don’t even have. 

I know people say that someone who wants to take their own life away doesn’t want to actually die, rather take their pain away. I actually want to die. I’m so anxious about everything that I don’t live my life to the fullest. I don’t let myself enjoy things as much  I’ve tried to allow myself, I just can’t. I’m worried of how I’d die naturally that I’d rather just take my own life when, and where I’d like to. I haven’t because I know it will be painful, and more painful if I’m not successful at it. I have to make sure I’d be successful at it, but as much of a failure that I am, I fear I’d fail at that, and not be able to succeed how I wish. I think about it daily, I’d be sad to not see my friends or family, but I see them now and I still hurt inside anyway, so this way, I’d be gone. I also don’t know where my spirit would go afterwards if it goes anywhere. I’m just in the same spot in my life everyday. Most everyone thinks I’m so happy, but really, I think because I’ve been extremely open about not wanting to live and how depressed I actually am that people disregard it and think it’s for attention. Nobody believes me because of how often and many people who would like to suffer with a mental illness to receive attention from others. So when people who really suffer are open about it, sometimes others overlook them because they don’t know what to believe. It’s hard to know that some people I’m sure think I want attention like some others, but I don’t. I just want to not be the broken mess I am anymore. That’s all I want. 

Im scared to talk to my mom, because she deals with people close to my age who are going through the same things. She’s supportive and always telling me she will help me get help, but I just don’t like talking about it with her. It’s awkward and I hate how I’m treated afterwards. Last year when my family found out I was cutting, they all changed how they acted around my like I was a fragile piece of glass. My younger sister worries a lot about me and I feel like I stress her out whatever I do. If I leave a family event early, she thinks I’m going to hurt myself. I’ve told her not to worry, but I worry for myself sometimes. I just don’t want to be here anymore and I feel my time here is almost up. 

I’m sorry for complaining to you guys, I just need someone to talk to.