(Dear People, I'm sorry this is so long)
 I confront the evil twins.  They ruin and beat on my very life. 
One is named ANGER, and the other is depression. 

I was once a happily married man with a decent wife (very outstanding nurse) and kids. Our future seemed really bright, but  that was over 17 yrs ago! 
But 17 years ago,  the problems were that we had bad habits.  We didn't have a budget, we figured if we weren't spending money on clothes, new, fancy cars, vacations, so that must mean we were frugal. Right? WRONG!!!!!!!!.  We had expensive repairs on cars. We had mounting interest on those godawful credit cards.  We spent $200 a week on groceries (HOW STUPID!)  & were a few years away from a divorce & bankruptcy - all in 2 years!
My ex was blunt, tactless. She should have had a husband that let her vent and just not take her venting so seriously. Someone who had the same personality as her father.

But I was a husband that took her remarks very seriously.  I got angry and yelled back.  & we argued and argued and argued. Why didn't I just let her vent?? That question hurts me to this VERY DAY!!!   We divorced, her divorce lawyer correctly told us to declare bankruptcy especially with high credit card debt. 

So, here's the deal.  

I'm nearly 54, so, let's do the math. I was figuring this out about an hour ago.  

When we are born and in our first 2 years, we express ourselves by crying a lot.  An infant has very limited ways to express.  So we will subtract 2 years from my age. 
I figured it out.  I cried a few times in 2002 and 2003.  I thought about suicide a lot more than I do now (in reaction to a divorce & bankruptcy happening at the same time).  But I got a new job and felt better most of the time.  I was fighting a whole lot less after divorce; I lived by myself which was fine.  I took  care of  my kids (yes, we know Chris Rock has a retort to "I take care of my kids") I saw them, parented them every single week, and I paid child support every month, twice a month.  
Divorce was resolved. My ex-wife left our condo to live in her late father's house so I took over the condo and lived where I had lived since 1994. 
So that's good. 
Let's jump to 2015-2017. Here's where it's much worse.  Although I'm blessed with a wonderful woman who I will marry next year & who has been my friend since 1990, I feel either angry, depressed and sometimes ok & grateful.  I'm angry way too much! I feel horrible, sad and depressed way too much! 
I'm so angry that I punched walls and doors in my condo (never people or my cat) The marks on those kinda sorta "repaired" walls and doors are shameful, signs of stupid anger.  What is wrong with me???????  
I've cried more in these last couple years, than I did since I was infant,  and the only way I could express myself then was to cry. 
I mean,  I only had to cry 10 times or so between 1965-2014!!!That's nearly 50 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why?  Why is this anger and depression worse now?  I'll tell ya why. 
I loved my career and lost it.  
I was a very good paralegal.  i loved my job, loved going to work.  I loved the pride, the sense of accomplishment. I loved it!!

 But things changed VERY MUCH IN 2013 AND 2014 for paralegals in personal injury and a couple other areas.  I couldn't adjust to the changes.  I had between these awful years, 2015-2017,    5 paralegal jobs.  & every single time I was let go, fired for not adjusting to changes, it hurt. It was like it took a piece out of me.  I was heartbroken. The other reason I got fired this past March and the last job I had was that I would panic when I made mistakes.  I would be so scared I didn't do my job as well; therefore, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy and I did get fired for working scared. 
Now I feel so empty.  
I worked hard at every single job I had from 2015 to March of this year!!!!!!!

It wasn't supposed to happen.  I can't understand the saying "everything happens for a reason". I can't understand how serene people feel that way.  They are doing better than me but I don't know why!!!!!!

I tried so hard.  I gave 100%.  I should have learned more.  I should not have panicked after making a mistake. But starting in around 2015 (maybe before) the stress was much worse. Some people don't even know what anxiety hives are.  But I suffered from them.  I had them on my hands and arms.  I couldn't figure out what the F*** they were.  I thought that maybe they were bedbugs b/c they didn't look like mosquito bites.  
I would go to work on a train in the morning and go home on the train in the evening.  
One day, I said, "Wait a minute !!!  I didn't have these hives when I got off the train this morning!"  Why did they suddenly pop up after I was stressed out at deadlines, given more work? 

I went to a doctor and she diagnosed me with anxiety hives. Now, they are  under control.  But not me. 

My career fell apart.  I was proud to be a paralegal.  Now  I feel like I failed.  The online jobs I have pay money but they are low-paying.  I feel stupid that I panicked & didn't adjust to things when paralegal skills changed.  I feel like I let my kids down for paying less in child support.  I see them but what kind of father am I that I can't give much money????  People will even say I'm a good father.  But I feel like shit b/c the amount I give, pay & contribute is smaller than when I was a paralegal!!! 

I get angry, I hate myself at times (b/c I failed as a paralegal after 20 yrs. of a good career!!!!) and other times I just am empty and sad.  Why did I cry again today? why last week?  why have I cried 6 times since May and it's only May 11?????.  Why did I cry between 10 - 25 times in 2016 and 2015.  
Why do I feel such humiliation, such frustration & anger, such sadness and emptiness? 
Without my paralegal career, I feel like something has been ripped out of my body!!!!!!
It hurts mentally, and sometimes it hurts physcially!  
Yes, I take medicine..... I take it for my depression, my anxiety, my insomia. (There IS NO MEDICINE for Anger)  & I take eye drops for my glaucoma since I was diagnosed with that in early 2015.  The glaucoma makes me feel like the pathetic Mr. McGoo. 

Yes, I go to counseling. 
I still hurt.  
When will I stop hating myself? When will I stop feeling like I got a shitty future?!? 
When will I stop feeling so sad & hurt???
What the hell is wrong with me? I'm getting married a year from now. My girlfriend IS A SAINT ! !

So, I don't feel like committing suicide (& I'm not planning it at all), but I walk around thinking about how great it would be if I got shot in the head, run over, had a fatal heart attack or something, anything to put me out of my misery.   

Then, I came to a better realization.  I wouldn't think about death if I had a good job. I wouldn't think about death or hating myself if I only had a job that paid ALL my expenses.  Now, unlike in 2002, my expenses are small, but I have very little income, & I've become so frugal at times that my condo was 59 degrees during this past winter and my grocery bill (instead of a whopping $200 like it was  in 2002) is only $30 a week.  I made sure the condo was nice and warm for my dear fiance when she came home from work. 
This isn't supposed to happen.  I chose another career, but w/ schooling, I can't start it until the start of 2018.  I am anxious, apprehensive, SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT if I fail at the new career? 
This isn't supposed to happen!  I have no freakin' idea why "everything happens for a reason".