So. Not sure where to start. I am a normal, reasonably attractive woman. Though perhaps not as attractive as when I was 20 hehe. Im depressed. I have been my entire life. I have zero self-esteem but over the years I have gotten fantastic at hiding everything. My depression, my self-loathing. I look at my life and I wonder, what the hell am I doing here? I was emotionally torched as a child by my sister who was nine years older than me. Ignored my youngest sister cuz I wasn't as cool as she was and I cramped her style. 

When I was 11 years old, I tried to take my life. I took an entire bottle of my dad's heart medication. Sadly, I took it all at once so I ended up bringing it up. My mother asked if I did it and of course, I said no.

The next time I tried, was after the break-up of a man I had been seeing. He was a great guy. Capt. in the Air Force. I loved him very much and was devastated when he ended it. Again, I tried with pills. I was smarter this time, I took them in smaller doses. I was pretty out of it when I had a call from a friend who knew something was up and called an ambulance. 

Now I was turning a corner in my life. I didn't know why I was on this earth. I can't sing, act, or do anything athletic, I love digital and 3D art but I don't have an imagination for my own work, I have an average intelligence... the list goes on. But I do have a ton of empathy. So I thought from now on, I would be the best person I can possibly be. No matter what. No lie, no cheating, strong, values, morels. Whatever negativity I had experienced in life I would do the opposite, be the opposite.

I met and married a man, I gave everything to that marriage. A few months after the death of my mother. My husband went ballistic on me because I accidentally washed his wallet. My girls 14 and 17 were home for this. I was extremely calm. I kept asking him to calm down in front of the girls. He got angrier. I asked him to please go speak to the girls. He raised his hand and said about my oldest that she needs to stop being a bitch and grow up.

It wasn't until after he left that I fell apart. Not that he had left but how he had left. He called me terrible things in front of our children. It made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to be strong for my girls but I started to spiral. I had been the best possible me I could be and from what my husband had been saying, I was the opposite. But I know I wasn't. After 23 years of marriage, working all weekend at a job where I could have the kids with me, missing the family vacations cuz I had to work most holidays and still looked after the home. Now I was alone with no money, no job, no education nothing.  

I ended up in the hospital 3 times in less than a year. Thoughts of suicide, deep despair, its been very hard these past few years. My ex and I are still in a divorce. At 52 I am living on assistance. He makes 80k a year with the career I helped pay for. He doesnt want to pay spousal support so he is dragging our divorce "that he asked for and pushed for" out for as long as possible cuz he knows that I cant pay for it much longer. I have been using the money from the government for the pandemic to pay for my legal fees. 

Its been a hard fight to find reasons to continue on. Yes, I have found a man I love very much now. But that comes with a whole new set of stressors that I do not kow how to deal with. I believe he is a pathological liar. He is a US veteran. For the longest time I didnt believe this cuz I never saw proof until recently got around to unpack things. I seen his medals and his stories seem consistent. The issue I am having is that he has no money coming in. zero. He said it is because of the VA and red tape. Something about the information on his new bank didnt get to the VA office and then the pandemic hit the week before we had plans to go to the states for an appointment to help get it cleared. He says he has been in contact by phone calls that I am never around for. Or emails from the VA that he never keeps even after I asked to see the next ones and he agrees. I never see proof of anything other than his service.

Ive explained to him that I love him, and I dont care if he has any money or not. And that is true. Ive been supporting the two of us for 2 and 1/2 years now. I finally talked him in to getting social assistance cuz he cant work due to back injuries he got on the job. He wouldn't go on it cuz he insisted he was getting his VA benefits. I dont know if he actually is getting them or if he is delusional on top of being a compulsive liar. There is no evidence to anything he says to be true, but then the things he says seem so consistent that maybe I am stereotyping him with everyone else who has lied to me.

Im writing this cuz I am at the end of my rope. I keep thinking about my death plan. Im tired of not knowing, Im tired of people shitting on me when I give all I have. I wont even talk to my kids much anymore cuz I am afraid to embarrass them. They have their own issues. 

I never thought I would end up so damn alone. No family, no sisters, no parents, no friends. A man I love but I dont trust is all I have. And I am not sure that I should even stay with him if I can trust him. Though no one has treated me so well as he. Its just getting too much and I am feeling overwhelmed again. I cry at night, ill cry in the bathroom where no one can see me. I hide my depression all the time. Im writing this cuz...I really want this to stop. The sleeplessness, the worry, the fear, the growing hate. So much negative feelings. Im afraid of what I am changing into..