I am so sorry that you are in so much pain. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. If something bad happened to you, your family and friends would be devastated. Are you seeing a professional doctor and/or therapist? Are you taking any medication? If you are not, I would recommend that you make an appointment to see a psychiatrist who can evaluate and make a diagnosis. The doctor can refer you to a therapist. If you become suicidal before you can see a doctor, go to a hospital.

I'm so sorry. I was in the same place, and probably will feel this way again at some point in the future; life is very hard, especially with depression. I will be praying for you; personally I find hope in my Christian faith that this life isn't the end, because this life IS very hard, I will acknowledge that, especially for those of us who struggle with our mental health. Please, don't let your story end here! You can text 741741 (hotline number); they are very helpful and caring and will listen to you. You can text them and they will help you cope. Once again, my prayers are with you. I know what it's like to have a mind that obsesses over suicide. Please go to someone if you feel like you can't control yourself and seek help from them. Don't dwell on this by yourself. Try to surround yourself with others so you are less likely to give in to the urges and try to distract yourself by focusing on your surroundings, or search up grounding techniques if you are not familiar with any. Best wishes, I'm very sorry for all you're going through.

I am currently trying to make an appointment with a therapist.. my insurance is making it difficult but for now i have been texting the Suicide hotline.. she actually is the one who sent me here. :( it’s just hard

Yes, I think that's how I originally found this place, too. I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time ): like I said I know what it's like, I have come close to suicide myself. But so many people care about you, whether or not you know who they are- I care about you, simply because you are another human being, and because I hate seeing you have to go through this ): I had a sudden drop in the frequency of my treatment during which I went through a spell of depression and I also had to use crisis resources multiple times. Don't be afraid to do so. That's what they're there for.

I just can’t solve this and beat this on my own and that makes me feel worse about myself. I am a burden to everyone around me and it just feels no one cares. I have people who aren’t in my life anymore bc of my decision, as I know believe I made as a cry for help, but who know. I just want to be happy and better and love my life again. I can’t shake this feeling tho. It really seems life would be so much better without me and my problems. I am complicated and hard to deal with. I want help but it’s so hard to ask for.. :(

I get it. I may not understand 100%; our experiences are different. But that part about feeling like a burden to other people has come out of my own mouth many times. I was hospitalized for like 11 days or so and when I got out I felt like everyone had been better off while I was gone. I often feel like I've ruined people's lives or that I'm just "in the way". But these are just things our brain tells us, and they are not true. I think anyone who will abandon you for struggling just does not understand. I have been accused of doing this for attention. But ultimately those people don't get it, and that is not your fault and I'm sorry you have to suffer for it, because you are brave for still being here in this world and surviving right this moment. I am asking you to please carry on! I know it's incredibly hard and that probably seems unfair for me to ask of you. But I hardly know you and I already know what a loss it would be if you left this world; even if you can't see your worth right now, know that I can! You are strong for carrying on right now cause depression is so hard. Help is VERY hard to get, I went years without it myself. But it can definitely be worth it. And coming on here and sharing a piece of your story is a good first step!
And know you are not weak or insufficient simply because you can't solve it all on your own. Few people with true depression can escape it on their own, and this is not shameful at all. In fact, being open about the fact that you need help is very admirable.

I appreciate that.. you have no idea.. it’s just so hard to tell my brain these things. It is so difficult and takes such strength to deal with this and I don’t know if I have any left.. why is this so damn hard

I feel the same all the time also. Like what someone recommended earlier, text 741741. The dark moments that feel like eternity are in our heads. We just want to stop feeling the pain. I battled with depression and anxiety all my life. I am working towards "living" with depression. You can't battle depression. You'll lose every time. Remind yourself that this moment is not permanent. It feels like it, but it's not.

Yeah ): just remember, like livewithintention said, depression does not stay at maximum severity for too long, so for now the best you can do is keep trying to survive and trust that there may be some hope, even if it is too hard to outright believe that there is hope. Try to remember those days when things weren't quite as bad and remember that they will come again in the future. I'm not sure why it has to be so hard. But as I said I am praying for and thinking of you, and wish you the best.

It hasn’t been this hard .. I know it comes in waves.. but it has never lasted this long so I just don’t know.. it’s awful. I’m just trying to hold on..

You're doing a great job so far. Sometimes the waves are quite long. But you've made it this far, right? I know you can make it out of this.

i've texted 741741 many times and they help. i have been suicidal and depressed for about a year now and it hasn't gotten better. i was at a low for so long one time and i didn't think i'd get out of it. i eventually sort of slowly came out of it and i'm doing a little better. i'm still suicidal though

They do help.. I have had depression for my whole life but it comes in waves for my really bad moments.. it’s always bad but my “good days” are when they are a little less bad.. I just try to hold on until then

And thank you, question.. I have made it far but it’s like every time I pick myself and get through it I keep losing the strength I had..

It's exhausting, isn't it? It's brave of you to keep picking yourself back up, especially when it's so hard. I know what it's like to feel like hope is out of reach. It's terrible. Thank you for trying despite how difficult it is.