Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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belistiwa 12/21/2008

I've tried to hide my depression for most of my life, but sometimes it has been too great to conceal.

I was working at the bank, which I worked at for 13.5 years, when a friend of the family, who was staying with me at the time, killed herself in my apartment.

I was devistated by this I closed up that room for months. Blocked the doorway with furniture and pretended that it wasn't there.

Four months later, my uncle died. Three months after that, my brother killed himself - and I found him. He od' on his meds.

Icouldn't think after that - not for months. I couldn't concentrate on anything or really care about anything - I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

My work fell off, and I ended up getting into trouble at work - I made a mistake that they made me suffer for - for years. Bad mark on my record, all that. Can't really seem to get over that one - even though I persevered until the end, regaining my standing in the department right before the entire division was outsourced.

I look back on the way that I acted, and just think how everyone must hate me; think that I'm just crazy.

I'm not sure that they would be wrong to think that.

Whenever my home life is not right I get so depressed that it spills over and I can't pretend any more.

Right now, my adopted grandaughter keeps telling me that she hates me. She's just 10, and angry, confused, and taking things out on me because I'm here. She's not really serious, but she keeps saying it and it hurts. It really hurts - because I really think that everyone must hate me.

I don't even have any friends. Not a one. I don't think I've ever really had a friend.

And I don't blame them - I wouldn't want me for a friend, either. Kind of like Groucho Marks - wouldn't want to be in a club that would have me for a member...

DeuceBMG 12/21/2008

Yowza,put down the bat,and stop beating yourself up! Sounds like you've had a rough time and you have every right to be depressed on occasion. I know it's easier to pretend that everything is OK,but there are times when it's really not! I've been trying to ignore my depression lately which is really kicking my ass now! I just wanted to make sure to let you know you're not alone! Try to hang in there!!!

deleted_user 12/21/2008

Oh dear, those blows came to you just one after another . . . . after that I"m quite frankly surprised you were holding a job at all.

Although I'm sure that to be able to work with people at all you had to erect walls and a prickly exterior, which in the end would make these people dislike you maybe. But at the same time, you were working there before these horrible happenings in your life . . . shouldn't somebody have caught on to the change? known something was wrong? See your situation with the compassion it deserves. *sigh*

But there are friends for you out there, they may not be easy to find and you may have to be a little more open, than I'm guessing you've been for years. Hurts like those make us want to throw up 12ft thick walls around our heart . . .

deleted_user 12/21/2008

Any job that would not take into account what you had been through is not a job you need anyway. None of this Is your Fault, repeat this until you understand it, None of this Is your Fault

WanderingVet 12/21/2008

I strongly agree with everthing said here so far. You have had more than your share of people hurting you, either directly or indirectly.
Your self esteem is shot, for some reason, .. maybe from the above.

I think your granddaughter needs some professional help. There seems to be more wrong with people who are/have been close to you than there is with you.

I hope it gets better for you. You are not a bad person.

deleted_user 12/21/2008

Good feeling follows good thought. If you will pay forward some good thoughts about yourself, eventually, you will find good feelings up ahead. I am not blowing smoke. I have had depression for 45 years in cycle after cycle. Medicine, therapy, neglect, denial, I have seen it all, done it all, and I am still here, still have a life, and you can too. Just try the positive affirmation. It it does not work, you are not out anything but the effort. And I wish peace for your heart. You deserve it.

belistiwa 12/21/2008

Thank you all for your support. Both my grandaughter and I are in therapy. Druid is right - they should have taken things into consideration, but did not. The three women running the dpt I was working in were under alot of pressure, and they took it out on the staff - many of us sufferred under it. I did have the strength to persevere, though.

That incident happened 6 years ago, and every so often it rears up on me again. It's like that bad penny that keeps showing up, and the mistake that I really made was not standing up for myself when confronted in the first place, but I didn't have it in me at the time. On a good day, standing up for myself is difficult, because I've been beat down most of my life.

Thank you all for your support and comments.

ZAZAS 12/21/2008

sound to me like you were grieving, I went through something similar when my nephew killed himself. For years, I think that shock kicked off a 4 year major depression episode with me. I like Deuce's answer, put down the bat.

ZAZAS 12/21/2008

Sounds like grand daughter is acting out from things she's heard. And, perhaps she is blaming family change on you. She will outgrow it, perhaps you could spend more time with her and help her enjoy time with you. At ten, my grandma taught us to play cards, sew, knit, lots of things you could do.

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