Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi everyone,
I need advice. My relationship with my dad has been strained since I was 12, and we haven't spoken in a long time. I got an email asking me to go to dinner with him. I haven't responded, and I don't think I will go, but I just want advice on whether I am missing something here... I am not speaking to him for many reasons, but he doesn't see any of them!
- He used to (when we spoke/lived together) threaten me verbally all of the time, and he has mocked me and put me down (since I was about 12 - we moved, I guess we weren't insulated by family).
- I was never ever good enough for him. The only time he praised me was to mock me (eg. you never clean the kitchen, wow good job, I didn't know you knew how haha).
- He used to call me names when he was angry and I wasn't even doing anything.
- He has broken my belongings
- He beat me up badly once and he would not stop - the cops were involved.
- He never apologized for that and instead blamed me for calling the cops.... He said the fact that I called him an asshole (during our fight) was much more hurtful than a few "slaps" (I covered myself in long sleeves and pants and makeup to hide the red marks from him beating me so the cops wouldn't get him in trouble)....
- We went a few months not talking before, and then when I finally caved in and went to dinner with him and my brother (his suggestion), he ignored me the first 30 minutes of the dinner COMPLETELY (this is after he had been begging for me to go!) I brought it up and he mocked me telling me that I just didn't get it (life) that I'm abnormal etc.
Am I crazy for wanting nothing to do with the man? I mean, I'd love to have a father, I wish he could be normal....
Also, last year I had a psychotic breakdown at work and my brother was scared and called him to pick him up. I got a couple of ANGRY messages blaming me from my dad... he NEVER wondered why what had scared my brother happened or how I was doing.
I need advice. My relationship with my dad has been strained since I was 12, and we haven't spoken in a long time. I got an email asking me to go to dinner with him. I haven't responded, and I don't think I will go, but I just want advice on whether I am missing something here... I am not speaking to him for many reasons, but he doesn't see any of them!
- He used to (when we spoke/lived together) threaten me verbally all of the time, and he has mocked me and put me down (since I was about 12 - we moved, I guess we weren't insulated by family).
- I was never ever good enough for him. The only time he praised me was to mock me (eg. you never clean the kitchen, wow good job, I didn't know you knew how haha).
- He used to call me names when he was angry and I wasn't even doing anything.
- He has broken my belongings
- He beat me up badly once and he would not stop - the cops were involved.
- He never apologized for that and instead blamed me for calling the cops.... He said the fact that I called him an asshole (during our fight) was much more hurtful than a few "slaps" (I covered myself in long sleeves and pants and makeup to hide the red marks from him beating me so the cops wouldn't get him in trouble)....
- We went a few months not talking before, and then when I finally caved in and went to dinner with him and my brother (his suggestion), he ignored me the first 30 minutes of the dinner COMPLETELY (this is after he had been begging for me to go!) I brought it up and he mocked me telling me that I just didn't get it (life) that I'm abnormal etc.
Am I crazy for wanting nothing to do with the man? I mean, I'd love to have a father, I wish he could be normal....
Also, last year I had a psychotic breakdown at work and my brother was scared and called him to pick him up. I got a couple of ANGRY messages blaming me from my dad... he NEVER wondered why what had scared my brother happened or how I was doing.
Long story, short... the last time I spoke to him was in 2010. He called me and we got into an argument about my brothers. I ended up going off on him and he hung up on me. In March, 2012, he ended up shooting my stepmom and then himself. There hasn't been a day that's gone by, that I haven't regretted that last conversation with him or feltl like I didn't try hard enough to mend our relationship. I tried really hard... but sometimes, I feel like it just wasn't enough.
I can't give you much advice here and I can't tell you whether or not you should go to that dinner. There were several times, when I blew my dad off because I knew if I hadn't, I would end up coming home in tears. I went through a big chunk of my life thinking my dad never loved me. Now, I believe that he did. He just didn't know how to show it, because he wasn't brought up in a very loving home. His father was killed, so he grew up with a stepfather that he hated, and my grandmother was a cold hearted bitch... pardon my French. I believe that the way we treat our kids, has a lot to do with how we were treated as kids. I'm not sure if your dad grew up in a very loving family or not, but if not, you should take that into consideration. I'm not saying, that excuses the way that he treats you. It doesn't, at all. Sometimes, it just helps when you know that it isn't really YOU, it's THEM and they just don't know any better. My dad had a hard time showing his love to anybody, because he was a miserable and angry person, his entire life. I loved him dearly though. I believe you love your dad too, because he hurts you, and the ones we love always hurt us the most.
I'm not trying to preach to you. I know exactly where you're coming from, and like I said, I can't tell you what to do. I honestly don't blame you for not wanting to go to dinner with your dad. Just remember, that he won't be here forever... so if there's anything you've ever wanted to do or say to him, you should do it sooner, rather than later.
Based on your statements, I would ignore him ... forever.
If you do go (and I am leaning to saying to go) protect yourself.
Depending on how much or how little your father now knows about you, you might want to take a taxi there. Perhaps drive to a different location and use a short run taxi both ways to make sure he can not see your car.
Insist that it be a safe place, that you know about in advance. Have a friend go there, but sit at a different table that has a view of you. Perhaps you can have a signal, something like jacket off means you are OK, but hat off means COME GET ME!
Be open to what he has to say. But do not "cave in". Make no promises about the future. If pressed tell him you need time to process what he has said to you.
If at any time you get red flags about things, leave. You can even go to the restroom, and never come back. (If you use the jacket thing, an inexpensive jacket from a thrift shop can be left behind without much loss.)
Now speaking as a father, I believe that we parents owe our children a good start in life. It is not our children's job to mold themselves into the person we want them to be. It is our job to help them discover who they are, and give them the resources (that we can afford) to help them become the person they want to be.
What ever you decide, hold your head high!