Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I would like to start off by first giving you guys a background of what I have been dealing with mentally, before I begin this story.
Currently I am on Prozac (NOT going well, the side effects are driving me nuts). I have been diagnosed with pretty severe depression, and have also have been told that I have symptoms of borderline personality disorder/OCD/perhaps cyclothymia.
Two years ago I got out of a relationship and I feel that during/after the relationship thats when I started acting out/my behaviors started to change and I haven't been the same since. Long story short, I fell in love with my ex after a month. After a week he was asking me to move in, telling me I was the love of his life, that he wanted to marry me and be the mother of his child. He seemed to promise me the world. He was divorced with a four year old child (he hid both from me for weeks after our first encounter until he finally told me). He broke up with me and broke my heart. I contemplated suicide quite a few times after this relationship. I couldn't imagine having every promise within reach and then ripped away from me. I felt worthless. And in many ways I still do.
All while going through this I managed to have a 4.0 and get a Masters degree in film from one of the nation's top film schools. I wrote and directed two films and seemed to use film and art as an outlet for my grief. I made a lot of friends in my film school who I felt, for the first time, truly accepted me, warts and all.
Since graduating film school I spent every single weekend, having a 50+ hour job, working on my friends film sets, sometimes oil 6AM. I would volunteer for free. Direct for my friends, paint murals for their backdrops, do makeup for them. I tried to help in any way I can. I helped, particularly, my friend Miriam.
Miriam ended up introducing me to this guy Travis, whose makeup I did for his film. I found him attractive, and was excited to have a new friend, but didn't see him as someone I wanted to date or be physical with, period.
We started texting and one day Travis (who didn't have a car), asked me to come over and hang out so we could watch each other's films that we made. I came over, he pumped me full of alcohol, then kissed me and immediately started taking his clothes off. I was very drunk (too drunk to drive) and was overwhelmed by everything that was happening. There were a few moments when I paused and was like, Travis, whats happening? What are we doing?
He immediately (while taking his clothes off) said, I just want to fuck, ok.
I was so startled and overwhelmed. I kept thinking that I had to continue working with him for two months, and if I didn't sleep with him and rejected him, working with him might be really awkward. So I slept with him, when I wasn't ready, and didn't want to. I just forced myself to do it.
I left his place the next day and for the next week I felt really uncomfortable about everything that happened, but I saw that he was texting me often and kept asking me to hang out, and seemed to put a lot of effort into wanting to see me again, so I caved. I invited him to join me for my friends party. We slept together again that night, and I kind of convinced myself that maybe he is a good guy and worth dating.
When we worked together on set, he would hug me or kiss my cheek (in front of everyone), and tell me that he wanted to see me when we were done filming. He seemed to want to see me every day, or at least tried to talk to me.
Here's where things went south. I had a friend text me randomly if I was "seeing" Travis. I told him that we had hooked up but that we weren't official yet, but that I was starting to like him. He told me that Travis is BAD NEWS and that I need to watch out for him. When I asked why, he said that he was sitting next to Travis at the time, and watching Travis cuddle with this girl named Dream, who is married.
I was shocked. I come from a family of parents who both cheated on each other for 25 years, so its a really sensitive subject for me. Travis involved in some kind of cheating ordeal? No, that can't be.
I ignored what was told to me until another friend brought it up. Then one day I was told that Travis was going to bring Dream to help him on the movie that I was working on! I panicked and texted him that I was really hurt that he would do that to me, and that we should end things, because I don't want to associate with or date someone who is sleeping with a married woman.
He told me that the rumors I heard aren't true, accused me of not trusting him (like how dare I believe these things, he thought I understood him) and essentially made me feel awful. Then he said that he still likes me and isn't going to let this conversation affect how he feels.
The married woman ended up finding out about what I said to Travis and started going to all of my friends saying that I was a drama queen and being ridiculous. Needless to say she didn't join him on set.
When I worked with him on set that night, he was extremely cold to me. He didn't talk to me at all. Then, at the very end, he asked me to drive him home. I came to his place, he slept with me, and then passed out. I tried to talk to him about what was going on and he refused.
In the morning I wanted to feel close to him again so I was nudging him, trying to get him to sleep with me again. He ended up doing it but, extremely begrudgingly. The very next day he called me and said that I "took advantage of him" and that he didn't want to see me again.
BUT THEN. The married woman calls me out of nowhere a few days later, tearfully confessing to me that she did in fact sleep with him over the summer multiple times and that the rumors are true. She acted like she wanted to be my best friend. And said, this is "girl talk, don't tell anyone" and she told me that she HATES Travis and that they aren't friends etc etc. I texted Travis that night that I didn't want to see him again.
A few weeks later I find out that Dream and Travis are best friends, that they talk badly about me among my friends and think that I am crazy and freak them out.
I have been depressed for MONTHS about this. And I think that my depression and complete embarrassment, and feeling totally betrayed (lied to by Travis then manipulated and lied to by Dream) has lead me to act out in terrible ways, and now I don't know what to do about my behavior.
In the recent weeks I have found out that Dream and her husband have divorced, that now Travis and Dream are a couple, and that Miriam, the girl that I did endless amounts of work for, and confided in regarding Travis, is best friends with both of them. Knowing how I felt about Travis and Dream and how much it all hurt me, she was posting photos of her with them on Instagram, knowing that I would see them. I ended up unfollowing her, because I couldn't bear to look at it all, and then she blocked me, and blocked my number.
I have tried to get "closure" with Travis, telling him how upset I was and that I knew what the truth was, and he blocked my number as well.
I ended up finding messages between my friend (whose Facebook I accidentally logged into) and Dream, talking badly about me, and I was so angry that I messaged Dream from his account and told her that I thought she was the biggest bitch, that she was the biggest betrayer, a liar, and a terrible human being.
It has reached the point where I feel I have lost Miriam, Travis and Dream. And I feel like they have all betrayed me and turned against me.
I know that by "unfollowing" Miriam I acted out. I know that I shouldn't have tried to contact Travis. And that I shouldn't have messaged Dream on Facebook. I feel that I have been SO alone and humiliated in my grief, and now have lost the respect and trust in the people I used to go to school with. I feel like I am completely alone and that everyone just thinks I am crazy. What do I do?? How do I move past this? I just feel like Im losing my grip on reality......
Currently I am on Prozac (NOT going well, the side effects are driving me nuts). I have been diagnosed with pretty severe depression, and have also have been told that I have symptoms of borderline personality disorder/OCD/perhaps cyclothymia.
Two years ago I got out of a relationship and I feel that during/after the relationship thats when I started acting out/my behaviors started to change and I haven't been the same since. Long story short, I fell in love with my ex after a month. After a week he was asking me to move in, telling me I was the love of his life, that he wanted to marry me and be the mother of his child. He seemed to promise me the world. He was divorced with a four year old child (he hid both from me for weeks after our first encounter until he finally told me). He broke up with me and broke my heart. I contemplated suicide quite a few times after this relationship. I couldn't imagine having every promise within reach and then ripped away from me. I felt worthless. And in many ways I still do.
All while going through this I managed to have a 4.0 and get a Masters degree in film from one of the nation's top film schools. I wrote and directed two films and seemed to use film and art as an outlet for my grief. I made a lot of friends in my film school who I felt, for the first time, truly accepted me, warts and all.
Since graduating film school I spent every single weekend, having a 50+ hour job, working on my friends film sets, sometimes oil 6AM. I would volunteer for free. Direct for my friends, paint murals for their backdrops, do makeup for them. I tried to help in any way I can. I helped, particularly, my friend Miriam.
Miriam ended up introducing me to this guy Travis, whose makeup I did for his film. I found him attractive, and was excited to have a new friend, but didn't see him as someone I wanted to date or be physical with, period.
We started texting and one day Travis (who didn't have a car), asked me to come over and hang out so we could watch each other's films that we made. I came over, he pumped me full of alcohol, then kissed me and immediately started taking his clothes off. I was very drunk (too drunk to drive) and was overwhelmed by everything that was happening. There were a few moments when I paused and was like, Travis, whats happening? What are we doing?
He immediately (while taking his clothes off) said, I just want to fuck, ok.
I was so startled and overwhelmed. I kept thinking that I had to continue working with him for two months, and if I didn't sleep with him and rejected him, working with him might be really awkward. So I slept with him, when I wasn't ready, and didn't want to. I just forced myself to do it.
I left his place the next day and for the next week I felt really uncomfortable about everything that happened, but I saw that he was texting me often and kept asking me to hang out, and seemed to put a lot of effort into wanting to see me again, so I caved. I invited him to join me for my friends party. We slept together again that night, and I kind of convinced myself that maybe he is a good guy and worth dating.
When we worked together on set, he would hug me or kiss my cheek (in front of everyone), and tell me that he wanted to see me when we were done filming. He seemed to want to see me every day, or at least tried to talk to me.
Here's where things went south. I had a friend text me randomly if I was "seeing" Travis. I told him that we had hooked up but that we weren't official yet, but that I was starting to like him. He told me that Travis is BAD NEWS and that I need to watch out for him. When I asked why, he said that he was sitting next to Travis at the time, and watching Travis cuddle with this girl named Dream, who is married.
I was shocked. I come from a family of parents who both cheated on each other for 25 years, so its a really sensitive subject for me. Travis involved in some kind of cheating ordeal? No, that can't be.
I ignored what was told to me until another friend brought it up. Then one day I was told that Travis was going to bring Dream to help him on the movie that I was working on! I panicked and texted him that I was really hurt that he would do that to me, and that we should end things, because I don't want to associate with or date someone who is sleeping with a married woman.
He told me that the rumors I heard aren't true, accused me of not trusting him (like how dare I believe these things, he thought I understood him) and essentially made me feel awful. Then he said that he still likes me and isn't going to let this conversation affect how he feels.
The married woman ended up finding out about what I said to Travis and started going to all of my friends saying that I was a drama queen and being ridiculous. Needless to say she didn't join him on set.
When I worked with him on set that night, he was extremely cold to me. He didn't talk to me at all. Then, at the very end, he asked me to drive him home. I came to his place, he slept with me, and then passed out. I tried to talk to him about what was going on and he refused.
In the morning I wanted to feel close to him again so I was nudging him, trying to get him to sleep with me again. He ended up doing it but, extremely begrudgingly. The very next day he called me and said that I "took advantage of him" and that he didn't want to see me again.
BUT THEN. The married woman calls me out of nowhere a few days later, tearfully confessing to me that she did in fact sleep with him over the summer multiple times and that the rumors are true. She acted like she wanted to be my best friend. And said, this is "girl talk, don't tell anyone" and she told me that she HATES Travis and that they aren't friends etc etc. I texted Travis that night that I didn't want to see him again.
A few weeks later I find out that Dream and Travis are best friends, that they talk badly about me among my friends and think that I am crazy and freak them out.
I have been depressed for MONTHS about this. And I think that my depression and complete embarrassment, and feeling totally betrayed (lied to by Travis then manipulated and lied to by Dream) has lead me to act out in terrible ways, and now I don't know what to do about my behavior.
In the recent weeks I have found out that Dream and her husband have divorced, that now Travis and Dream are a couple, and that Miriam, the girl that I did endless amounts of work for, and confided in regarding Travis, is best friends with both of them. Knowing how I felt about Travis and Dream and how much it all hurt me, she was posting photos of her with them on Instagram, knowing that I would see them. I ended up unfollowing her, because I couldn't bear to look at it all, and then she blocked me, and blocked my number.
I have tried to get "closure" with Travis, telling him how upset I was and that I knew what the truth was, and he blocked my number as well.
I ended up finding messages between my friend (whose Facebook I accidentally logged into) and Dream, talking badly about me, and I was so angry that I messaged Dream from his account and told her that I thought she was the biggest bitch, that she was the biggest betrayer, a liar, and a terrible human being.
It has reached the point where I feel I have lost Miriam, Travis and Dream. And I feel like they have all betrayed me and turned against me.
I know that by "unfollowing" Miriam I acted out. I know that I shouldn't have tried to contact Travis. And that I shouldn't have messaged Dream on Facebook. I feel that I have been SO alone and humiliated in my grief, and now have lost the respect and trust in the people I used to go to school with. I feel like I am completely alone and that everyone just thinks I am crazy. What do I do?? How do I move past this? I just feel like Im losing my grip on reality......
Which is of course, the epitome of the movie crowd. I mean.. can you get any more pinko and pretentious than that lot?
Try to remember you're the ocean liner, and this pack of idiots are a whole bunch of tugboats. yes they try to pull you off course. So what. Chalk it up to experience, and keep on your path. you have moment, you have inertia, you have mass. they are tiny, they are fluttery pointless things and quite frankly, they do not deserve the feelings you are having because you are imbuing them with a common shared humanity they just don't possess.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but there are people, and there are people. Ask yourself one question: is this person genuine?
If they are genuine bend over backwards for them. If they are not genuine, do not move a twig for them. you've learned a hard lesson, it has hurt. and it will hopefully last you a long time. But that lot have learned nothing.
Let time pass. let water flow under the bridge. Get new friends. Join a church or a painting group. Make these people redundant in your life.
I think I once believed these people to be genuine, and would bend over backwards for them, but have since felt deceived and that I essentially can't really trust anyone.
I will take your advice and let time pass, I think that would be best. Thank you again
I DONT REALLY KNOW HOW U TOOK PROZAC AND GOT A DEGREE.
I M ON ZOLOFT AND BARELY FUNCTIONING.
I DO HAVE AN INOPERABLE BRAIN TUMOR THAT IS SLOWLY GROWING AND BENIGN THO.
PRAYING 4 U, HUN'.
GBU
DRENA B
;-O
I think we have to go slow... give not too much to start.
find out who are the people who want us for what we give, and who are the people who want us for who we are.
Just keep a weather eye out for being used, and don't let anyone use you. That will actually weed them out quite well.
Stop right there. Even if this had been your long term boyfriend at this moment, is that an acceptable way for him to treat you? That behavior/incident alone shows this predators true nature.
But you thought it would be more awkward to reject his advances and have to work with him afterwards, rather than let him use you?
The way you describe yourself, you sound good at what you do. Now, add confidence that you're good enough that you don't have to cater to others' whims, lower yourself, or put up with their shit. Respect yourself.
Forget Travis, Miriam, and Dream. Those were not friends, and they deserve each other. May they all share the same disease.
Refocus on your job, and maybe hang out with some different people you never thought of hanging out with. drop the social media for a while. Please yourself, not other people...true friends will come along naturally.
One thing I have done is write down things I have done wrong (there are candidly many), be blunt with myself, and then go on. Taking constructive steps and then letting go on, is for me a way to make myself a better person and improve. For you, that list would be the following.
1. Don' t sleep with guys on a first or second date. The old adages ring true, if he likes you, he will wait. That isn't changed by anything he would say- once there is a chance of getting a woman into bed, something clicks, and men feel obliged to try to take advantage and pitch commitment, etc. It's like telling a real estate broker that you are thinking of selling your house, she instinctively asks for the listing. Don't put us in a position of having to lie to try to get someone into bed, simply say you are very nice man, I have enjoyed our date, I am going home and hopefully we can see each other again. Be nice but firm. I really don't think most women enjoy early sex with someone they do not really know, and it is somewhat dangerous if nothing else.
2. Be proud of your accomplishments. You kind of soft-pedaled your successes, tremendous grades, movies, and focused on one relationship issue.
3. You wrote, It has reached the point where I feel I have lost Miriam, Travis and Dream Travis is a player and does not matter. Dream and you were competing for the same guy while many other nice guys without the same manipulative skills go dateless.
As to Miriam, she took advantage of your professional skills and time. You now learned Film 201, charge for your time, that's your stock and trade. And you if anything have a right to be made at her for fixing you up with Travis the philanderer. Stop worrying about what a player and some other woman think about you. It's really not important.
Travis is
And sorry if this is more problem-solving than listening, this is what we men do.