In my personal opinion, there's no need for the dichotomy to be so black-and-white, one or the other. Surely some medications, when they *aren't working correctly*, will sap you of all types of depths of emotions. But the idea is to make the negative feelings manageable, not non-existent.

I see it like this: There's existing, and there's living. Existing is a far more basic, 2-dimensional expression of going through the motions but receiving no sense of "meaning" from the experience in and of itself (not necessarily religious, but "meaningful" in terms of lasting impressions, a sense of having made a difference, a feeling of the usefulness of an event or conversation that made an impact on your life or decisions, etc.).

Living, on the other hand, would entail all of the depth and "meaning," as I personally define it, that's lacking in simply existing. To illustrate - computers exist; humans live.

At the same time, I understand the importance of feeling safe, believe me. But, in my experience, the calm I felt when "safe" was flat, steady, and unchanging, creating the illusion that I was "happy" and at peace with my decision. But once I had the chance (and somehow the guts) to take a risk in the interest of pursuing something potentially unsafe in terms of hurtfulness (love), I experienced a completely different range of far more powerful emotions, much more meaningful, per my definition, than the deadened grey of "safety" and nothing: elation, joy, pride, peace, profound relief, and, to be sure, some pain. But my understanding and final opinion on the matter is that this is not only a much fuller, colorful, and beautiful life, but that I personally refuse to let my anxiety snuff it out of me ever again.

The bottom line, however, isn't how other people think you should live your life, but how you decide to in the end. I say this after those rambling paragraphs because, when my anxiety was winning out over me and "safety" seemed way more important, I was completely deluded into believing that was how I really wanted to live. But with time, and experimentation ranging from tiny risks to huge ones, I saw it all for what it was (to me). In writing all this, I just hope you can assess what you want out of your life (or existence) in terms of what's important and meaningful, minus the fear of pain. Some things are just that worth it.

*Hugs* Hang in there, cloudie.

Elle

I think youve got to go with what makes YOU feel ok at this point in time.
You are living your life, no one can live it for you.
Its always hard for friends and family who see a change in us, those who really matter will adapt.
If how you are at the moment is working for you, then so be it i say.
In time you may feel differently.
I think you need to work out what caused the onslaught of panic attacks and address that.

In my opinion, if you are ok with feeling that way, then its ok. But if the way you are feeling is causing unmanageability in your relationships then it is something that I would discuss with your doctor. It may also help to go to a support group with those that really understand what you are feeling. Have you ever gone to a NAMI support meeting? I would highly suggest it. You can find a meeting in your area by going to www.nami.org. Hang in there and Hugs.

I want to thank you all for you're opinions. It has truely given me a lot to consider. I'm also glad to know that this wasn't an obvious choice for anybody, as the opinions are so diverse. I sat down & talked with my friend. I think I'm going to try to get off of the medication. After all, if it becomes too much to handle, I can always resume it. So, again, thank you all soooo much. It means the world to me that you would take time out of your day to help a total stranger. :-)

>>my closest friend has been basically attacking me for not "being me". There IS some merit to that. I stay to myself, I've become withdrawn & anti-social. Also, my level of apathy would surprise you. I understand that I am not who I used to be.

Nobody is 'who they used to be'. They are who they are NOW.

>>is it better to feel nothing & be content, or feel everything & take a chance to be hurt?

That is totally a judgement call. Only you know what is best for you. Life IS (partially) 'taking chances'. That gives life dynamics.

To what degree you do or don't wish to 'take chances' is up to you.

"As long as I take my meds ...."

I think you are wondering if you should stay on meds or not stay on meds. That depends entirely on what happens if you go off meds. Discuss it with your doctor ... and take his/her advice.

I don't think medication is intended to cause apathy. Rather than STOP medication, perhaps a different medication. Talk to your doctor .. about all of this. I would not advise taking big steps on your own.

while "feeling nothing and being content" may be good for you right now, i think eventually you'll get tired of that and want to add some spice to your life again.

id tell your dr about how its making you feel... and how "thats ok" for now... but i would also tell your dr that they should start thinking about the next treatment... for when you want to experience the highs and lows again.

lows arent always bad... it doesnt have to mean 'rock bottom'