Hi all,

the past two years have been the absolute worst of my life; parts of it i don't even remember because i think my brain was just in total trauma-mode and blocked out the memories. I'm 30 years old, and 2 years ago i called off a wedding just 3 weeks before it was to take place (after a 6 year relationship and a year long engagement). So that led to stress/anxiety, eventually depression and a major identity crisis as well as alcohol abuse. Ultimately, I attempted suicide and eventually landed in a psychiatric hospital for 8 weeks where they discovered a pituiatary tumor, which i just had removed earlier this week. They now think all of these symptoms were entertwined with the tumor, fyi. So, over these two years, i was so fatigued and depressed that brushing my teeth and taking my dogs out was a major effort, seeing my friends was out of the question. I was also drinking more, and even not drinking, I became more agitated and unpredictable in my behavior. My best friend and I had a blow-up fight and haven't spoken in months and I don't plan on rekindling the friendship ever. Everyone who loves me agrees that she is a toxic person, albeit captivating and charismatic, and she's quite selfish/manipulative. But still, she was my best friend for 15 years, and when I got in a bad mental place she just abandoned me. Our group of friends that are connected to the two of us have followed suit and over time completely distanced themselves from me, as well. And it hurts. But my feelings are ambiguous because I know Alex (former best friend) is not a stable, gold-star friend, yet I miss her. and maybe it's that most of all, I'm hurt that she has convinced our other friends to follow her lead. It doesn't say much for my friends, does it? Not much backbone or thinking for themselves; it sounds more like middle school than 30 year old women. So, logically I can see that it's not the worst thing in the world, but emotionally it feels very hurtful; especially having just gone through brain surgery and none of my friends texted or called to say good luck or thinking of you etc. And I will make new, deeper, stronger "adult" friendships, I know that. And, it feels miraculous to feel like my worst depression chapters are behind me now; for that I could cry right now tears of gratitude. So I'm trying not to focus on this friend thing too much, but i also want to process it effectively.....words of wisdom, anyone?