Hello all:
It's been a long time since I've been on DailyStrength; and who knows why, because my depression has been relatively consistent until the past few days. Lately I've been having more intense thoughts of suicide. For several years now I've had those thoughts constantly, but it is just lately that they have become so intense that I've searched online for "painless suicide". I think this may be due to the fact that come this summer I may have to move if my rent increases substantially. Being disabled makes that situation quite complex. I have been fretting about it for months. Also my health has seriously declined. I was in the emergency room three times in March, due to my Addison's disease. The physical and emotional pain are just too much to bear. I don't want to die so much as I want my pain and suffering to end, but I know this is impossible. I haven't mentioned it to my (few) friends, for fear that they may blow it off or just consider it an attention-getting scheme. I do go to therapy once every two weeks, and my therapist is well aware of my suicidal thoughts. I just don't know what to do. Being disabled makes things worse because I spend every day doing (basically) nothing. I stay in my bedroom; I haven't spent time in my living room for several months. I only leave my bedroom to use the bathroom and kitchen. I spend my days watching TV or movies, surf online, read or take multiple naps. I have little to no motivation to do much of anything else. A whole week can go by and I haven't left my apartment. For a few years now I only leave when I have to for doctor appointments or grocery shopping.

I don't know what I expect to come out of writing this post. I just feel that I needed to tell someone, anyone how I feel right now. In a nutshell I am just so tired.