Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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celticnoel 01/30/2014

First off I don't expect this to be productive or anything just writing what's on my mind just now. So I was diagnosed and hospitalised after a failed suicide attempt, clinical depression and anxiety, while in hospital and after a ct scan and blood tests a tumour of my pituitary gland was found, prolactin levels through the roof. I've been out hospital now for nearly 5 months. Back to work full time and enjoying aspects of my life again (sometimes) but still live inside my head, procrastination is always present, decision making at times impossible. Basically I feel like I 'want' to stay depressed because it's easier than being productive, like it's a habit I've gotten into. My day to day living involves waking up and dragging myself out of bed, thinking I can't wait til bedtime to sleep! Constant ruminating, self pity, anger towards myself. I know life doesn't work this way and I'm pretty much making excuses. My wife has been an amazing support but she must be growing tired of my pathetic crying, stories of what's going on in my head and general outlook on life. I honestly don't know what is real thoughts and what is 'depressed' thoughts anymore. I just wish I had my old self back inside my head but for some reason I just keep going with this 'depressed' version even though I'm aware that basically I could ruin my life which then leads to fear and panic. I honestly don't know who I am anymore, I 'survive' day by day, I take my meds, go to counciling and practice mindfulness every day. Stupid thing is I KNOW I've got a good life, I've a great wife, nice house, a job, car, my health, good friends and family who love me and continue to tell me how good a personI am. Any time I think of all the good things I've got my mind jumps to 'Look at what your throwing away' where really I want to be thinking 'Look how lucky I am'. My psychologist is trying to drum into me the importance of being present in the moment (mindfulness) and making decisions by myself and not letting others make them for me ie my wife. He reckons I've prob did this my whole life and that's why I've gotten to where I am. When I think about it he's prob right but living in this protective bubble feels safe, maybe I'm scared that the real me isn't a good guy after all, either way I feel like it's a catch 22 situation, I mean I must have had a good reason to want to end my life but now I know I don't want to die but I'm feeling scared to live. Why can't I just stop with the bullshit thoughts and feelings and live my life. I know I need to get out my own head and man up and face what life's throws at me but in reality I feel like a pussy who needs his wife's arms to fall into and cry, she deserves better than an emotional wreck of a husband which always leads me to saying I want to break up with her but the thought of that destroys me inside which leads to self pity, guilt and a whole host of other negative thoughts. Anyway I've babbled long enough, hope everyone is fighting on. :-)

scg15223 01/30/2014

Been there done that my friend! Be happy you have a supportive wife as mine was not and I couldn't be with someone who couldn't support me for who I am. Anyway, talk to your doc about your current meds. Sometimes they stop working and you need to change to something else.

I completely understand looking at the negative and ignoring the positive. For me it truly was a matter of getting my meds straight as it's hard to be positive when all you see is the negative.

Positive thinking and how we see things is also a bad habit which we need to break just like someone who smokes. I know it's a hard habit to break but you can do it. It will take time and we will have good/bad days. I normally see 2 steps forward 1 1/2 steps back but even a 1/2 step forward it better then nothing :)

Be strong for yourself, be strong for your wife but don't hold back if you need support from your wife as I know if the tables were turned you would be there for her as well!

Take it easy and be kind to yourself my friend :)

celticnoel 01/30/2014

Cheers scg, don't get me wrong I'm waaay better than what I was a few months ago but as you put it quite well like taking forward steps only to go back, for me if I find myself laughing at a joke or having fun ie playing with my dog when we're out with the dog it's like my mind says 'this won't last, I'm gonna make you feel shit after this' I don't actually hear those words but like I'm almost waiting on the downer. I'm very lucky, I actually have so much more respect and love for my wife now (even if my stupid thoughts tell me otherwise) and in a strange way it's brought us closer! Positive thinking I recon is the key for me and taking each moment and situation as is, not auto thinking about past negatives etc which instantly my memory jumps to. Which meds did you change to? I'm currently on 300mg of Trazadone, they helped much better than the previous Mertazipine, they actually made me feel even worse! I need to be careful tho as the meds I'm on to shrink the tumour are an anti dopamine and can CAUSE depression so I'm wary of changing them. Every day is a new day tho, that's going to be my mantra! Cheers, take care :-)

deleted_user 01/30/2014

I totally get how you feel. I experience the same thing.It's easier to stay depressed than happy, its become a habit. Im scared to be happy. I dont know who I am anymore. Im locked inside my head. Im personally tired of the mindfulness thing like it's the perfect catch all for everything. I miss who I used to be which was happy and energetic.

celticnoel 01/30/2014

Sugaboog I get ye, I've not gave up on it yet as I'm desperate to get back to the guy I was, I know he's in there, he must be, I've changed for sure but I don't like how I think, feel and react now. The harder you try the harder it is tho but I used to be very confident, very competitive and self assured. Somewhere down the line I lost all that and wanted to end my life, that scares me now which could only be a good thing, I'm open to trying anything to feel all those GOOD feelings again, this can't be how life is supposed to be it just can't, keep fighting, no matter what just try. If you don't like mindfulness, feck it, walk, jog, do whatever justdon't lie in bed! That's what I tell myself anyway, no matter what I do I KNOW lying in bed is the easiest but most damaging thing to do! Stay strong!

koolman 01/30/2014

Fear of the unkown and fear of the lack of ability to create, sounds like. What do you want to create for yourself that is positive?

1Patriciann 01/30/2014

Yep, that is how we 'work' through it for sure. It seems you have made a lot of progress and perhaps the 'unknowns' are a bit scary -- they are for most of us. Step-by-step and moment-by-moment is all we have to accomplish -- only one day at a time and we can take a rest as needed to regroup and, as you did here, 'babble' as it is working it all out over time.

Give yourself some Kudos -- you are making progress, in spite of the pain and fear that come with that.

celticnoel 01/30/2014

Koolman I honestly don't know. I have everything in place to be happy, I suppose I AM happy, I feel I've just got myself into a way of thinking that now scares the shit out of me. When I was really ill I wrote a note with the headline WHY and I still think that way, why would I bullshit to myself and everyone around me? I believe I've told myself and others that many lies that I believe them now and I've covered up lies with lies now that's all I seem to do because I feel the 'real' me is a nasty evil person and I'ts only a matter of time before I'm 'found out'. I've said all this to professionals and my wife/family and they support me and assure me I am NOT the person I 'think' I am. Basically I think I just need to wisen up and LIVE and stop believing all the shit I come up with in my head and I read on here then automatically relate to myself. I've described it in the past as self mutilation, can I ever truly stop it? I suppose I am the only person that can but when I'm in the mood I am now I'ts like I enjoy destroying my inner self. I know I'll change my thinking later on and ill feel guilt and self pity and tell myself I'm ok and things will improve etc. Has anyone ever intentionally stayed depressed or imitated depression for no reason whatsoever? Why the hell am I doing it to myself day after day? I think I played a game with my mind now I'm 'stuck' with no way out and although I can function and appear fine inside my head I'm always gonna be self destructing. One day I'm gonna lose everything I loved and cherished and I'm only gonna have myself to blame!

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