I went to my Doctors this tuesday for a gyno app, and to get back on the pill. Not expecting much, really. But They noticed I had a extremely low blood pressure, and strange heart rhythm. My gyno just walks in the room, with a concerned look, and asks me if I'm feeling ill. She said I looked visibly withdrawn, pale, and lethargic. She started to examine my body, and told me I looked malnourished. It was at this point, she sat down and started asking me questions. And for the first time, stress was no longer being used as a excuse for my symptoms I had been telling my general Dr for years. She thinks I have a gluten intolerance, but is not sure. I have to keep a food dairy of everything I eat for the next 2 months. I also have lactose intolerance (I have known this for a while) and a tree nut/peanut sensitivity.. Yes, of course I would like [this] to be what's wrong with me because it has a simple solution that doesn't even require meds....But No, I'm suffering enough with food because of past eating disorders. I already have anxiety over what I put in my mouth. It's only day 3, and I'm already struggling on what exactly I can eat, which is making me not want to eat at all. Yesterday I started crying at work because I was starving, and knew the fruit and veg would not alone hold me over. I am flat broke and am worried I will not be able to afford to properly take care of myself, or maybe developing a new eating disorder. All my Dr gave me was a list of books to read, which only overwhelmed me. It's terrifying I basically have to follow a instruction manual to eat. I'm not sure when I see a specialist, or what's next. Watching my boyfriend last night, struggle to find me something to cook that wouldn't make me sick, sank my heart. All of those feelings of being unwanted are starting to come back, and I can't help but blame myself for my past mistakes. Perhaps my past disorders permanently destroyed my body. Actually, I don't question it, I truly think this is my fault. I am doomed to be the "problem" guest at dinner, assuming anyone would dare invite me. I bet there is some kind of Celiacs/Gluten intolerance forum section on this site, and I know there is a eating disorder one, but please excuse me...I'd rather wine where I feel most comfortable :s I don't expect anything, really. Not looking for sympathy. I guess I just feel frustrated and worried. Christmas wasn't anything I was looking forward to, to begin with. But now that I get to sit on the side lines and watch everyone else feast- I just want to crawl in a hole. My mum said she is going to bring me a fruit salad, so not to worry. Oh yay....But I wanted all the cakes and cookies >.<

Thank you for listening,
HUGS