Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Good morning all.
So I busted my ass to move to a new state, far away from the chaos and natural disasters that are my parents. I cut contact with them. I changed my number. I put my foot down with my extended family because the only reason they ever called/emailed is to tell me to please call my mother because she was bothering them. I held firm that that wasn't going to happen and any further messages on the subject would be met with silence.
After sleeping in my car for a few weeks, I found roommates.
At first, we were getting along fine. Ironically the one I thought I'd get along with more is the one that is the problem and I don't know why. I am a late night person. One night last week I accidentally dropped ice on the floor. She came out of her room to ask me to be quiet after 10. I explained that I simply dropped the ice. She said that the house echoes and so even small sounds can be heard.
Things seemed to go back to being smooth until the night before last.
I noticed a change when she sent a polite text to ask me to turn down the volume on my computer. It wasn't up high but this house echoes and this show had gunshots. I have never had this problem before. There are times that I can't hear it and I have perfect hearing. But this place has no carpeting. So I turned it down and put headphones in. I told her I'd start using headphones after 9.
Yesterday her demeanor changed. She barely looked at me to talk to me. I asked her a friendly question about how her homework was going and she had a look on of her face like I was a moron and said that she was actually working at the moment.
She is aware that I cannot work outside the house right now. And she said she had no issue with it and that I work from home atm as I build up my writing business. Now I'm starting to wonder if she really does have an issue with it.
During the last "conversation" that I had with my father, one of the things he said was, "Nobody can stand you! That's why all of your roommates kick you out." That isn't true. I've had a mix of good and bad roommates but the last one "kicked me out" after her on/off abusive and destructive boyfriend picked a fight with me. Then she brought an aggressive dog into the house which scared my dog and made her act out by peeing on the couch. This woman was a vet tech and knew that that was the reason.
She blamed my dog, called my dog a bully to her other dog (she's not. she tries to get them to play with her and they don't always want to. Plus she's got a strong herding instinct which can manifest but it's not bullying. I correct it when it happens anyway.) The boyfriend started the fight over my dog being the real problem in the house, not the dog that snapped at her every time she walked within 5 feet of it.
I'm tired of this. I feel like I have to tiptoe around the house and tried killing her with kindness. I was in my room and she took my stuff out of the dryer before checking if it was done because she needed to dry something. My room is right next to the washroom and she knew I was there.
What am I supposed to do? If I could work a regular job right now I would. But I had back surgery and can't drive for long and sit at a desk for long yet. I am working on getting better every day.
Volunteering isn't an option now. I also have depression that got worse during the time I had back pain and I can't commit to something even a few hours a day because I just need time to HEAL. And that won't solve the problem of me being "too loud" at night by walking across the room.
This morning my dog tried to eat her dog's food when I let her out of the room. I decided to feed her before she leaves the room from now on but my roommate didn't look at me, just said with frustration that she can't watch them while they eat.
This is all making feel like my father was right. That I'm the problem wherever I go. If it wasn't for my back, I'd go back to sleeping in my car.
I've been thinking about buying a van and outfitting it for camping in a way that would work for me with my back as it is. Been reading/watching videos of people who do it and are "urban campers" or people who choose to live on the road. Some like me do it out of necessity as well.
I am taking grad classes online and get financial aid. I will need a new car soon anyway. I was actually thinking about doing this anyway so that I could also do travel writing but wanted to wait until I felt better. Then with what I save in rent and utilities (and hopping from one roommate to the next who despise me) I could get a mobile home and rent a plot for relatively cheap.
I want my own place so badly, a place where I don't have to worry about whether or not someone likes me, where it's my home and no one else. Where my dog and I can just live in fucking peace without being made to feel like a nuisance. She's the sweetest dog in the world. She found a daddy long legs once and instead of killing or eating it, she tried to get it to play with her. And she's well behaved for the most part but she's still a dog. She sees food and goes for it. She wants to play. Amazingly she's getting along perfectly with her dog roommates and I'm the one with the issue.
I'm going to look into van prices and how to convert it or maybe I'll get lucky and find an inexpensive conversion van. Even with more driving and cost to convert, I'd still save in the long run for a place. You can get satellite wifi or install internet in a van as well so I can work from it. But if I can't do that right away, there are always libraries and Starbucks. I'd stay at campgrounds and Walmart parking lots like others who do it.
If not for my back I wouldn't hesitate. I just wanted more time to heal before doing it but I may have to make due. Moving repeatedly isn't doing me any favors either.
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It's National Doughnut Day!Which three would you like? (never mind the calories, fat, or sugar content; just go with what you would pick if none of that mattered and whatever health issues you might have that would keep you from eating one in real life can be cast aside for this exercise as well... have at it!)
Renting totally sucks. Roommate arrangements suck just about as much. In my opinion, you have to get out of your present arrangement. It is not going to get any better. She is WAY too rigid and NOT interested in working things out. It's going to be one thing after another until it blows up.
Military service saved my butt. I really hope you CAN find something that works for you.
I want to say that your roommate is not being a good person. So even if she WERE to kick you out right this moment, it would NOT reinforce that awful comment that your father made to you.
I am not sure what you are able to do, but my advice would be to get away from where you are as soon as possible. She's not good for your healing as she seems to be just a painful, critical extension of what you're trying so hard to leave behind.
And your dog sounds like one of my dogs! So much so that I laughed out loud.
You seem to be the one in this situation who isn't screwing up. Keep up the amazing work.
Yes, renting does suck majorly. I guess writing and traveling are what will save me.
@NoseBoop You have to be inhuman to NOT love my dog. She loves everyone lol. Thank you for saying it isn't my fault. I think I know that deep down but you're right, previous history is coloring my view.
This whole arrangement has started to feel like a hierarchy. She's the owner (top dog) followed by the other roommate (her longtime friend) followed by whoever takes this room, which happens to be me right now.
Thinking about staying until the first week of February because that is when I can buy the van. Part of me is so tempted to just go camping for a month.
Another thing: if I keep giving money to roommates, like or hate, then that is money that I cant save for my own place later. Which is why I figured in 3 to 6 months I'd be traveling and writing. I guess I have to move it up and add travel writing to the resume sooner.
This was every one I stayed in. He also came down with mange because some of the parks were filthy from people not cleaning up after their animals.
It wasn't cheap either.