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really do not understand this, trigger

orion777
orion777

I went back to my college to get some information about work and work placement and happened to pass by the counseling center because I felt stressed.  I have not been to counseling in a long time, but I thought I would just stop in and see if they had some resources.  I am seeing my doc tomorrow.


I'm not really sure what happened, but I started talking and then I started freaking out.  I just started to ramble and ramble and ramble, I wasn't even sure that I was making sense to myself.  The appt. was free because I am an alumni.  Fortunately I was making sense to him.


I started crying and shaking and freaking out and then said that I didn't really know if this was relevant...but I'd finally left an abusive relationship two years ago.  I didn't really do anything after that helpwise, except go to support groups, but it seemed that my feelings are probably beyond a support group.  The person I had for counseling a few times ditched me, so I just quit.  But I was freaking out, talking about how guilty and numb I felt, like even though I had left, that I'd done something wrong, that I should have saved him from his issues no matter what he was doing to me.  I felt like I was going to implode.  I really didn't know that I was thinking this or feeling it, but I started getting more and more heated and just talking about all of  this stuff that I could not cope with, such as finding out a couple of months ago that now one of my family members is a registered sex offender.  I thought all of this was something that I could just file away...like bad information...and forget it...but it's pushing all kinds of buttons and making me crazy.  I never realized that I was storing up so much anger and I am just not understanding the guilt part..  I start therapy the day after tomorrow.  The last time I was in counseling it was when I was with the abuser and the situation, and we just talked about how much I was being abused and how much it sucked.  I never knew what I was in for after leaving it all.  It's like fallout, I really don't know, I feel like I'm in some sort of mental bomb shelter. The lady insisted that I come in, so I will be there.  Tomorrow is my Dr. appt. This sucks, I feel bad a lot, feel exhausted, like I want to cry and get angry all the time. The appt is Thursday.


Sabrina
Sabrina
Orion, it sounds like you didn't realize you had all that built up and I'm glad you were in a safe place to let it all out at a free appointment! I too was in an abusive marriage although it's been some time ago. But the scars are still there and it still profoundly affects my life. I have an old childhood friend who married a sex offender and swears he was framed. I can only imagine having one on the family. I too felt an obligation to "fix" my abuser. He was a pro at turning it all around to where he was the victim in the situation and of course always gaslighting- making me think that I was mentally unstable and hence, not really seeing what I was plainly seeing. It's what his kind does. It is a severe sickness and it leaves an aftermath like a tornado has gone through. Big hugs, good for you seeking help for yourself and letting it all out in therapy!
SimpsonsOK
SimpsonsOK
Orion, sounds like you sealed all this away. Unfortunately, it comes up at some point. Sometimes bubbles up piece by piece; sometimes lid is totally removed. Abusive relationships change us at a deep level. Agree with Sabrina's reply. Glad that you can now begin the healing process. Lots of the places for abused women do free classes to help you understand that you are not alone in the fall out after escape. Comforting hugs.
mlj6019
mlj6019
I think it was a good thing you stopped in that counseling office. I’m guessing subconsciously you felt led there for a reason. You needed to vent and rightfully so. When we continue to stuff things in, eventually we are going to implode. I’m very glad you decided to go back to therapy. I don’t know what happened with your original therapist, but it seems you were just left hanging. You may have some PTSD from the relationship that needs to be dealt with and worked thru, to completion. You need healing and time to get there. Thank you for sharing your story and experience. I hope this therapist is a good fit for you. Sometimes we may have to see more than one to find the right fit for us. I wish you the best.