Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Apologies in advance. I am on my phone and i am not very smart phone savvy. This ous also going to be long. I'm in bad shape.
Life has caught up with me. Brief history, my husband had transplant surgery a year and a half ago that has not gone as planned. during that time i was working weekends as a cna and going to nursing school.
Nursing school went bad fast. Terrible and abusive school. I finished off my first 2 semesters, but i was deeply depressed and strongly considering suicide, so i needed to make a judgement call to stop and find a new school.
In the meantime i did a phlebotomy certification to maintain my skills and have experience as more than a cna. It ended up well, i ended up getting the kings of job i wanted without having to go back to nursing school to study the things i didn't need. ACurrently i am working as a doctors assistant, and i love what i do, but it is a small and very busy practice. Any mistake is a glaring mistake, because only 4 people work there. I feel like i am a constant failure, the later hours are making evening routines difficult. We have not set up my phlebotomy department, yet. So, i am not using my skills and it is giving me anxiety for when i start again.
My husband put studying for the actuary exams on hold for me to go to school. He recently found out he missed the first exam by only a couple points with almost no studying . He hates his current job and is now holding a lot of resentment toward me regarding it.
Our kid's both train in their sports about 7 to 10 hours a week. Usually it is my husband taking our son and me taking or daughter. Occasionally our neighbors are able to help.
The house is virtually all me. I wake up at 6 in the morning to switch out laundry or do dishes before i start getting ready for the day. I come on my lunch break and do dishes, switch out laundry, vacuum or meal prep for dinner.
My husband can't help. He is in constant pain and cannot help me around the house at all. He will occasionally do a load of dishes or put his laundry away. The kids do a little. They have to unload the dishwasher and put away their clean clothes. If asked they will vacuum, sweep, clean up shelves, and bring down their dirty laundry, but only if asked.
I average about 6 hours of sleep a night. I work about 8 20 to 6 four days a week and a half day Friday. The practices i go to are tues, wed, thurs, fri nights and Saturday mornings. I usually cannot even start making dinner until 8 at night. My husband and kids have celiac disease and my husband is doing keto diet right now to try to take off some weight since he cannot be more active with this botched surgery.
Last week i strongly wanted to commit suicide again. I can't snap out of all this. My house is filthy. I feel like i am a failure at everything. I didn't finish school, I'm not doing well at my job, my house is nasty, i am not being a good wife. I dont feel like i have any value or serve any purpose in society. I am a waste of space.
I hate how i look. I hate everything about myself. My OCD is out of control. I am picking at my skin like crazy. I am exhausted. I went to my daughter's volleyball practice last night with 2 totally different shoes on and didn't even notice until i was there. My front lawn is a disaster, my car is leaking oil, my brakes need replaced.
Last week i just basically stopped eating. I do a meal replacement in the morning and something like a bagel for lunch. Usually i am so tired at night after cooking my husband's and children's meals i just dont bother making something for myself.
The bright side? Ive lost a good chunk of weight. The downside? I am enjoying it. My old friend anorexia had snuggled up to me and keeps reaffirming me that eating so little is good. Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
I dont know where to go or what to do. I am stuck on auto pilot. No enjoyment. Numb. Worthless.
How do you get along with your fellow workers. Perhaps you could give a slight reveal that you are dealing with a lot of stress and could use extra support.
You did not mention what your husband's transplant was or why he resents you for not liking his current job. The later sounds a little complicated and I am uncertain as to why he would resent you.
Kids not helping enough sounds like many families and again too I always find it best to come clean with the family and tell them you need more help and raise your expectations.
Cannot comment on anorexia but I do know it as a major issue given that I had an acquaintance with the same problem. Please be aware that I heard all of your issues and wish you the best. I wish I could give some of my strength to you right now. I cannot, but thoughts of your predicament will stay with me.
Don't know is you are new to coming here, come here often and be frank and honest. There are a lot of good people here who want to help.
As for your husband he should be proud and happy for you for doing all that you do and especially keeping with the "for better or worse" part of the vows. If he hates his job so much tell him hang onto it while he looks for what he likes! I get that yes money is needed but not with stress/headaches, etc., but hey maybe it's just me in the fact I don't care if I was offered a cool million if it's a s****y job with super stressors no thanks.
Have you ever thought about taking some of those things off your plate? As much as we want to be Supermom and have/do it all, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our own greater good. My oldest when he was 10-12 years old (he's 22 now) hated me like no other when I stopped killing myself working at WalHell. I had 2 LONG years of coming home crying/tired/stressed from working 12 hour shifts. He was po'd because the money was good, but my health was slowly deteriorating, so I said no more.
Are your kids teens because unfortunately the majority don't like to do anything, but be waited on hand/foot, but that's when you have to really put your foot down and say,"You're not going to get/do A,B and C if you don't start helping." Always remember YOU'RE the parent not them; trust me I had to learn that the super hard way of a s***y attitude being thrown at me all the time.
I hope I'm not coming off as not empathetic/compassionate, it's just I've been there, even to where you are about suicide, so much so that in 2011 I went to counseling one day and she was so worried about me she had her supervisor drive me to the hospital to have me admitted. Those were the best 3 days/2 nights I'd had in a long time and when I got home I did make changes; no my son wasn't happy, but like my nurses/docs told me first and foremost I have to take care of me because if I didn't I'd be no good to my son or anyone.
You're going to have to sit down and have a pow wow with your family and make some serious changes or you're going to spiral yourself into an early grave. Big hugs!
You have accomplished a great deal. Congratulations on going back to school, having a great job and family! That's a lot of plusses.
I'm sorry your husband is sick. Bless you for taking care of him.
A clean house is not important in the grand scheme of things.
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. It's easy to get depressed. Hang in there.
As for school. I started with my CNA AND the plan was for a bachelor's in nursing. Instead, i have an associate's in liberal art - sciences, my CNA certification, and my phlebotomy certification.
I have expressed a little at work, but i am the bottom of the barrel and cannot risk losing my job. It is 2 doctors, the office manager, and me. Not really people i can express a desire to kill myself to. Kwim?
The kids are 12 and 9. So, they can only do so much.
My mom is also battling cancer. She is my best friend, but i haven't seen her in a year and a half, because i can't take off work and i HAVE to be home.
I have a psychiatrist and i have a script for Zoloft and valium. There is simply no time for therapy. I barely have time to shave my legs!
I don't have a global solution ... to everything that is upon you .... can only suggest a hiring of someone to (deeply) clean your house, then a housekeeper to come every couple of weeks. That would improve something.
Zoloft and Valium have their purposes, but neither will solve your problems.
Seek a job AS a phlebotomist ... since you are certified and ready to go ... assuming that would be an economic improvement. There should be several job opportunities for that depending on where you are.
Tell husband to get off your back .... you are doing the best you can ... and, by the way, with no help from him. Since he can't help, if he is unhappy with you (or anything else), he can certainly leave. Scare the hell out of him but be ready for him TO leave (in case he might .... after the 'talk'). No false threats or suggestions. Talk to a lawyer about a divorce FIRST ... just in case. He is at the disadvantage ... not you. In his condition ... child support, alimony, a place for HIM to live ... etc would/should scare him enough to treat you right. Get tough .. but go slow and be wise.
Screw sports. Those kids need to spend MORE time helping you out. They CAN do a lot more. You are SUICIDAL and they are playing soccer. There is something wrong with that picture.
Get serious about demanding what you need .... or you may die. Your situation cannot afford getting worse. Life and the people around you are (unintentionally) eating you up. Gotta figure out a way to stop it.
Do not harm yourself over the circumstances of others. Do not harm yourself.