hey,

i joined this group a few days ago because some of my friends and family saw the self-inflictment cuts that i have upon myself (even if i do them in places to conceal them because all i really want is the pain and i dont care if that is either on my arms or legs. 

i have been really exhausted these last few weeks because i havent been able to sleep well at all and ive just been miserable all of the time (even if i do smile and laugh sometimes, my insides are burning with the will to just go back home and cut myself). because of this, despite what i wished for, i have not been very regular here. i have tried to take a read at what you all write but i havent been very successful, and i have been even less so at expressing what im feeling. so for this, im sorry, i will try and be better, since last time just saying what i felt helped me greatly  

i have been really miserable for a few minths now but i think that i havent been depressed for more than a month and a half. i know that it may seem pathetic to complain about it since there are people here who have been suffering for much longer than i have and therefore deserve to be helped more than i. 

however, i started to cut some time ago so as to feel something. at first, i could control my urges and would take a knife out one time every two or three weeks, however it got worse and i have become addicted to it  it just takes all of the pain away for a while  however, this stopped happening not long ago

i can be miserable, cut myself, and contunue to be in a terrible state  which was nothing that i had felt like  i stared to cut myself every timeni would feel sad and even kept a knife in my draw as well as some desinfectant so as to be able to hae access to it at all times  

one day however, i found that i no longer had the knife and saw it downstairs  my parents, whom i still live with, have not confronted me about it, even if they know that i have cut myself before  i dont think that they can deal with thinking that i have started again  because of this, the fact that my grandma died last year and would dissaprove of me doing this, my sister and my friends, i really want to be able to stop doing everything, because it really has been taking a toll on my life, especially my writing, which i used to do nearly all the time and my numbers went down when i started to feel terrible and cut  

the other day i needed to cut myself, so i got some razor blades  i had cut myself with these before, but not so deep, and this made me realise (the last two times that i have done so) that it might help me stop, for the cuts are much deeper and i only have the force and the will to do one, and then i feel a little better  

because of the fact that i am not yet of age and live with my parents, i have not gone to a doctor or someone who would be able to prescribe me something that might help  i dont know if i should risk it  

thank you for taking the time to read this, just writing it made the rock on my heart loosen up a little bit  i hope that you will tell me whether what my temporary solution is alright or whether it will just make everythign worse  i will frequent this page some more so as to do my best to help you all too  

thanks