Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I just want to let it go, let go of all this turmoil, give myself back to the world. I've had many beautiful moments, but now I am tired, life is more difficult than I ever could have imagined. I want to lay me down and say enough. I am grateful for all the things I have been able to do, and wonderful people I have been able to meet. I am just so, so tired, of living. Dying feels like it could be so easy. In the grand span of history no one will remember me anyway. Why should I not give my energy back to the earth, and let it be used for some new, beautiful growing thing? It's not fair to whatever God made me, to squander my life stuff for years. Why can't I just give it back to them? I tried to fight it for years, tried to find some reason to be here, but I haven't encountered anything that is stronger than the pull I have to just let my bones be. My body is so broken inside and out, my soul is so tired. Imagine what it would be like to just not have to fight anymore, to cease to be. Most of the time, when people ask me if I am suicidal, I say no, because if I don't then they will have to call people and notify people and make a big fuss. The truth is I guess that I am on this night, suicidal. The strange thing is I don't feel that sad about it. It actually makes me sadder to think about staying here on the planet and enduring one more day, when it would be so easy to just give it up. I don't have a reason to stay. My life is a circus of physical therapy, to mental therapy, to doctor's visits, to prozac, to ativan, to zoloft, back to prozac, to new therapists, to more doctors visits, and doing it all again ad nauseum. For what am I? I tried to love, but it either has not found me, or it has and I have not been able to let it in. I wanted to at least finish my book before I die, but what for? That's just ego, and wanting to leave something to be remembered by I guess. Why does the story of my life have to get put down for others to read? It certainly hasn't been exemplar in any way. I could go on for hours, but I wish I could sublimate tonight, no more struggle, no more strife.
I understand the frustration that you feel. I do. I've been dealing with this shit for over 20 yrs. Would it be easy to just give up and take your life? Sure it would, but what about the turmoil that you would leave with your family and friends? Is that something that you really want to do? Is that how you want to leave this world? Listen to me. You're not in the right frame of mind right now. You're caught up in the fog of depression. You can't trust your thoughts and feelings right now. I remember how you came across to me when we talked before and I assure you it was nothing like this.
Living with mental illness is hard, but so is living with cancer and many other illnesses out there that no one asks for. It's ok to feel upset, but I encourage you to get those emotions out. Paper to pen, posts on here, working out, etc. Right now it may feel like things will never get better, but try to remember the times that you came out of a depressed state of mind. I would imagine this isn't your first time being here. There will be ups and downs, but the important thing to remember is that it does pass. Depression is a bully. It's full of lies and it attacks our very being. Ask for support when you need it. That doesn't make you weak. People who suffer with mental illness are some of the strongest people you will ever know. "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." I pray that you decide to not give up and that this depression lifts soon for you. Hang in there.
Don't give up. You are worth whatever steps you have to take to find
what will help you -- and there is something that will help you.
You have so many interests, and even though you may not be up to
pursuing them right now, remember the time when you were able to
focus, and care about things, and how much you enjoyed writing, playing guitar.
People often are really skeptical about feeling how they used to feel,
and just exhausted from the battle, but you're young and strong and
what's more important and worth fighting for than your own life? If
anything else was threatening your well being, other than your own
thoughts, you would fight it until you won.
I hope you will research everything you can find out about depression,
alternative therapies, articles by people who have been exactly where you are, and are now living a life that they once thought they could
never get back. A case of it being great to be wrong.
Please take care of yourself. Ask yourself: has the depression gotten worse at all since you started taking what you're currently taking. People don't always notice because it's very gradual.
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"Every positive thougth propels you in the right direction."
On another note, Prozac did nothing for me. I too felt worse. Zoloft gave me the shits, literally. My dr said he'd never heard that side effect before, but within two days of going off it, it was gone! So, for your dr to say he's never heard of someone feeling worse doesn't mean it can't happen. My son is ADHD and also deals with depression. His pediatrician put him on Adderall several years back and he was NOT himself on that crap! ...point is, keep trying til you find something that works. I too am looking for something new. I made the mistake of going off my anti-depressant (Celexa) in the fall. It was giving me tremendous headaches. Big, big mistake. I wanted to try without since I'd been on it for about five years and I was feeling good, or so I thought. I will never, ever go without them again. But because of the headaches I was getting from the Celexa (and I know it was from that because when I finally weaned off the headaches were gone within two to three days) I am looking for something else to try. I've had Lexapro in the past, so I may try that again.
I too, hope this deep, dark depression lifts soon for you!! Be good to yourself. Go for a walk, call a friend, take a relaxing bath, anything. And get plenty of rest! God Bless!
You've gotten some really good advice from the others who have commented. I must say that it bothers me that your Dr. is telling you that how you're feeling in regards to the Prozac doesn't make sense. I've experienced feeling more depressed while on a med and I've never had a Dr. say that to me. It doesn't need to make sense to him. Nothing that you feel is a side effect you're experiencing due to a med that you're taking has to make sense to him/her. We all are different and can react very differently to a med. His/her job is to listen to what you're experiencing and to help you with that. Now I think you should give a new med a decent amount of time to see if the side effects go away, but if they continue longer than they should or if what you're experiencing is too bothersome for you then you should stop taking that med and try something else. Stop with your Dr.'s help I mean. If I were you, I'd be looking for another Dr. The most important lesson that I've learned over the yrs. is that you're your strongest advocate. You know your mind and your body. Speak up for yourself. You don't need to follow everything you're told because someone has a PhD. Work together with your Dr. Then you'll make more progress.
I hope this doesn't come across to you as being negative shit. I'm just trying to give you some advice because I'd like to see you get the treatment that you deserve and it sounds as though you're not to me.